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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on a rope. Fathers are biological necessities, but social accidents. My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

Funny Dad Sayings and Quotes

My father makes money the American way. He trips over stuff and sues people. My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football, and my father tried to get a free x-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage. Whenever I fail as a father or husband, a toy and a diamond always works.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: Dad taught me everything I know.

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Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows. Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.


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