Completing Relationships Gracefully

I'd always advise getting some professional help. It's so easy now to set up a session with an online licensed therapist. It matters not what time it is or what device you're using. You may have lost a grandparent or pet as a child. Or you may have suffered a family breakup with all the losses that entailed. Your previous experience of endings can become a template for those that follow.

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Your thoughts, feelings and actions are based on what happened to you before. Therefore, I'm really chuffed that you're taking the time and trouble to find out how best to end your relationship. It's not an easy thing to do - so the more help and advice you can find, the better. Even if your spouse or partner is expecting bad news, your delivery of it needs careful thought and courage! Being sure and well-prepared will help you do it more confidently and with empathy and compassion, when you want to leave your relationship.

When we get bad, or even shocking, news our brain takes more time to comprehend what is happening. There's so much to remember - things to avoid, to do and not to do.

I highly recommend you prepare yourself with self-hypnosis. Discover more about this affordable, effective and user-friendly aid in my article: Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads. Don't start waffling on about something else or say lots of reassuring things you don't mean. Don't offer to stay friends either. This will help you both to recover much quicker. Yes, you too - even if you are the instigator of this ending. Doubtless you've been through a difficult enough time already. Divorce Advice for Men and Women - discover what to say and when.

Of course, what you're going through does depend to some extent on why you married or stayed with your partner in the first place. Assuming that the two of you were together out of true love, you may find that the whole split is going to be more painful than you'd anticipated.

Even if you have been falling out of love over a period of time. You may have already experienced that - or it may come to realise that later, when it's over and all the 'practical' stuff has been dealt with. However, you may have been so focused on all the trouble and the actual separation that the meaning of the end has barely registered. No surprise then if it 'hits' you a little later. Unfortunately you'll probably have to deal with loads of unwanted negative emotions during the breaking up process. Fortunately, I can help you with this a little. Much of it depends on what led to the decline of your partnership.

You may just be adding to your lawyer's bill. Particularly if you've been living together, you have joint assets and you're considering moving out. If there's any chance that you might get into difficulties about that, make sure that you're aware of both your legal rights. How to find a lawyer. What are your own expectations of how long you'd want to carry on seeing your ex-partner?

It speaks for itself that if you have children, you need to be prepared to be parents together for the rest of your lives. And incidentally - any future partners will need to know that you come 'as a package'. If your children are still young, clearly there's likely to be regular contact to ensure that their needs are met. So there you have it! You now know how to break up with someone in the most compassionate and reasoned way. Your problem is never too small or too big, too silly or too complicated to ask for help from a licensed therapist.

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How to End a Relationship. How to Get over Someone you Love. Expert relationship advice Expert mental health counselling Expert breakup advice Contact me. Exclusive Member of Mediavine Parenting. Just in case you've landed on the wrong page If your partner wants to break up your relationship or marriage, then have a look at my page: How to 'make' your partner love you again.

Holding on to anger and resentment costs too much precious energy. When and how not to end a long-term relationship Avoid causing more hassle , pain and a potentially longer lasting and more expensive process. Take heed of the following advice No problem is ever too small, too big, too silly or too complicated to discuss with a Better Help therapist.

Don't end a relationship during a telephone conversation. Don't leave a voicemail with either a hint or a clear message about ending. Don't let someone else do the dirty job for you. Don't deliver the message in a public place.

Honest Communication

Ending a relationship in a public place should only be an option if you're worried about abuse see my article: Signs of an abusive relationship Don't tell friends, family members or colleagues you're ending your relationship or marriage before you tell your partner or spouse that it's over. Don't end the relationship during a row - your partner may actually be pleased - it may be what she or he was hoping for! Don't write it online in any shape or form - email, Facebook status update or any other way.

Don't give any kind of ultimatum. When you're absolutely sure your relationship can't be revived, it's perfectly right to end it. There's more help and advice on the following page For more information, tips and advice on breaking up, see my pages Before you Consider Divorce Whatever you choose to do, you must be confident in your decision. Of course, once you know that you have to break things off, do it. Anticipate His Reaction There are four main reactions that you can expect when you break up with someone: Silence sometimes followed by your partner leaving Sadness and crying An outburst of anger or rage sometimes dangerous Questions about your decision Think about which of these reactions you can expect from your partner and how you will deal with them.

It is a good idea to prepare yourself for any and all scenarios when ending a relationship. Find some place where the two of you will have the privacy to freely express yourselves and show your emotions. Restaurants and other public places are generally a bad idea.

The last thing you want is your partner weeping, yelling or calling you names in front of a live audience. On the other hand, if you are afraid that your partner may react violently, definitely end your relationship in a public setting where you can call for help if necessary. A few other faux pas to avoid: Never break up with someone at work.

If you are going to end a relationship with someone, have the courage and the decency to do it face to face. Choose Your Words Carefully Start by letting your partner know how much you value the good parts of your relationship. Maybe he is a great listener. Maybe he has a killer sense of humor. Some people feel that a relationship is a gauge of their own self-worth. If someone breaks up with them, it is because there is something wrong with them.

You can help ease the blow by telling your partner that you simply do not or no longer feel a connection. This way, you are offering a strong reason for ending the relationship without finding fault with or placing blame on your former partner. Most importantly, be clear. The last thing that you want to do is give him false hope that your relationship can work.

At this point, it will sound trite and meaningless.

If the two of you are able to be friends in the future, only time will tell. Prepare for Backlash Your partner may be so devastated by your break-up that his only recourse is to hurt you in return. If your partner starts throwing out verbal and emotional slings and arrows, resist the temptation to fire back. Understand that he is only trying to hurt you because he feels hurt. Be the bigger person and hold your tongue. If you are addressing the situation honestly, without placing blame or judgment on your partner, there is no reason to feel guilty.

You are attempting to end the relationship as painlessly as possible. But the truth is, his feelings will probably be hurt. Just know you are not obligated to take responsibility for his feelings. All you can do is be honest with him and with yourself. In the end, you have to do the right thing. Make a Clean Break A few days, weeks or even months after your break up, you may start to reminisce about your ex-partner.

You may start thinking about all the good times you had, or wonder what he is up to. These are normal and natural feelings, but it is important not to act on them.

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There is a reason why you ended the relationship in the first place, and starting things up again will only reopen old wounds. Keep your distance, at least for a few months, until you can get back on your feet. And no matter what, do not drink and dial. Booty calls are strictly off limits. Allow Yourself Grieving Time Ending a relationship means losing a person who used to be a significant part of your life. Even if you are the one breaking it off, the loss is bound to hurt. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and grief that naturally accompanies a break-up.

These emotions are nothing to be ashamed of and signify the real feelings you once had for another.