7 Key Habits For Building Better Relationships
Armed with more detailed evidence, we escalate our barrage of criticism and complaint. Almost everybody who criticizes, though, is convinced that if they keep it up long enough it will have the proper motivational effect on the other person. The cycle of appreciation, another ingredient for how to make love last, goes as follows:. We look for things to appreciate about our partners. We discover new ones or notice old ones anew.
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We speak our appreciations clearly. Living in a cycle of complaint consumes the very energy needed for creative expression. Living in a cycle of appreciation frees up energy that each person can use for individual and mutual creativity. What most of us need to know is this: We have a choice about which cycle to live in. What most of us really need to know is how to shift quickly out of the cycle of complaint and into the cycle of appreciation, which has the power to create long lasting love.
One of our research associates sent Gay a note a while back in which she articulated her own reaction to something that happened at a dinner with us. Embedded in her observation are important insights into how to make love last and a new paradigm of relationships. This latter observation distinguishes the art of appreciating from the related art of praising. There is no question that praise is a useful and important skill—many books are available on how to do it effectively.
The key to communication in relationships
As we will show later, the paradigm in which appreciation occurs is not linear, nor is it intended to produce a specific result although it is one of the factors that builds long-lasting love. It does not fit within a reward-and-punishment schema. You shift into the new paradigm by making a conscious decision, a commitment to base your relationships on an ongoing flow of positive energy—of genuine love.
Things change for the better the moment either of these skills enters a relationship. We believe that concepts such as conscious committing and active appreciating constitute a shift in context that fundamentally alters the way in which people regard intimate relationships and contributes to how to make love last. Up until very recently, the context of intimate relationships was clouded by survival fears, rather than a desire for lasting love. Although survival is not the main priority for millions of people when they wake up each day, it still is for many others.
Fears about hunger, deprivation, and other survival issues still shape the nature of relationships.
In times past, our ancestors paid less attention to psychological or spiritual fulfillment. Techniques for problem solving were essentially nonexistent. Things changed as the twentieth century gained momentum. Movies, literature, and other arts began to celebrate the transcendent possibilities of relationship—symbolized by the graceful dancing of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
The Freudian revolution promised to offer tools for handling problems when missteps caused us to tread on each other painfully.
In the survival context, life is lived in waves with things like fear and hunger as the crests and periods of relief from those things as the swells. In the fulfillment context, life is lived in waves of fulfillment and the hunger for more. We believe, however, that the context is about to make an even larger shift, opening access to a new force field. This new force is electric with previously hidden potential. We believe that relationships in the new millennium will shift toward a focus on appreciation and celebration. The focus will be on the flow of connection. The couples who come to us now want more than traditional relationship tips and problem-solving skills.
As people become more sensitive to the flow of energy inside themselves and in their relationships, they are looking beyond traditional therapeutic techniques to truly create long-lasting genuine love. They want life skills they can use to awaken and enhance the flow of connection. A single act of skillful committing or appreciating instantly shifts the relationship into a greater sense of flow and creativity.
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Seize these opportunities to grow and flourish with your partner. Instead, assess the present situation and identify what you can do at this moment. Finally, be honest and open — say what you mean, and make your feelings and your needs clear. Walking away from an argument is a temporary way to deal with an ongoing communication issue. When you disagree with your partner, you must be able to trust that what you say will be heard and respected, and so does your partner.
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If you or your partner or both of you is averse to conflict, you may find yourselves burying your emotions to please each other and avoid problems. The happiness and intimacy you used to share will gradually erode, and it will take the relationship with it. Experts on communication and voices break down the way we talk into pitch, pace, volume and timbre. A voice that is overly high-pitched sounds defensive and immature.
Speak calmly and clearly to get your message across. In fact, if your partner is speaking, you should listen. Pay careful attention to this, and watch for red flag timbres like sarcasm that can lead to a lack of communication and cause distrust in relationships. When things do get out of hand, break the pattern: Be playful and use humor in a way that keeps the conversation flowing in the right direction.
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Injecting humor into the situation can make it feel less dire and can yield amazing results for the two of you. It also relieves stress and improves your physical happiness in your everyday life. The biggest benefit to laughing in this context is that it reminds you that you love just being together with your partner. It reminds you that you can enjoy your time together, even when things seem challenging.
For example, when you catch yourself raising your voice or being sarcastic, change your tone. If you were born before the mids, you remember the Cold War. It was a defining period of world history when two superpowers, with opposite ideologies — i. It was not a productive relationship and in the lates the leaders of the two powers met in a series of talks that would forever shape the course of human history.
But, the story of how Reagan, president of the United States, and Gorbachev, leader of the Soviet Union, resolved the conflict did not start as well as you might think. Gorbachev and Reagan found themselves in the middle of a heated discussion on the merits and demerits of capitalism and communism. Like any discussion on politics, it was going nowhere.
Breaking the pattern is a powerful way of reframing the discussion and bringing it back to a level where you can get to what matters: Remember that you are together because you make each other smile. Listen to your partner, discover the needs they value the most, and fulfill them. Remember that communication is key, and giving is the secret to fulfillment. By entering your information on the Tony Robbins website, you agree that we may collect and use your personal information for marketing, and for other purposes, as set forth in our Privacy Policy, which we encourage you to review.
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And it will cause pressure on the relationship. Be open and honest with yourself, your needs and what you can and cannot give. Be honest in your relationship from the start. It will save everyone time, unnecessary pain and heartbreak. Sign in Get started.