I thought we were going through a slump, that it was normal. The contents of that envelope marked the end of my marriage. It is nearly impossible to describe the depth of pain you feel when you suffer a loss. In one instant, I had lost my best childhood friend, the boy who took me to prom, the person who could articulate my thoughts better than I could. My dream of teaching our kids to ride a two-wheeler outside our home together had just vanished, along with our plans to take our kids on an African safari when they were teenagers.
I will never forget his pasty complexion when he was forced to admit his year-long affair with a waitress. His face was so blanched it was as though he had doused it in flour. I had never felt so disappointed, diminished and humiliated. I hated myself for being so unlovable, so unwanted and so goddamn dumb.
My feelings just died. He said that he and his girlfriend had split and that he wanted to give our marriage a second shot.
I wanted to feel sorry for him, to put myself in his shoes, but I just felt dirty. People are supposed to be born with a conscience. There is right and wrong; there is no in-between. I never would have had the nerve to lead a double life, to constantly lie to the person who loved me most. I hope our kids grow up to be nothing like you.
The next morning, I tore all his expensive suits off the wooden hangers in our closet and shoved them into crinkly black plastic garbage bags. I ripped our wedding photos off the walls, took down family photos. Suddenly I hated the big one of us kissing while our kids smiled, perched on our backs. Had he been sleeping with her when that photo was taken? How old was Isabelle when the affair began? I was constantly trying to work out the math. And then I wondered: What the f—k was I going to do with the 10 pads of personalized letterhead I had just ordered with all the members of our family cartooned across the top?
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Everything went into the garage. I took my wedding rings off for good. They say there are five stages of grief: I felt everything at once. My body physically ached. My chest heaved with sobs. Snot dripped into my mouth. As the weeks dragged on, Bruno Mars sang to me. Did they hold hands? Have their own special memories and songs? Had they ever thought of me, even once?
How I survived after my husband left me
In those first few weeks of single motherhood, my family rallied around me. My brother Jarrad was constantly at my house, fixing whatever my kids had accidentally pulled off the wall that day. My sister came over and helped me put my kids to bed on days when I was too empty to do it myself. She raided my closet for frumpy clothes.
I liked that store. My parents helped with the kids, reassured me that things would be okay and came with me to meet with lawyers. Well, f—k you too. I pulled up my big-girl panties. I started seeing a therapist, one who would not let me feel like a victim for long.
She helped me realize very quickly that my kids needed a happy mother. That was not going to be our life. No matter what it took or how hard it would be, I was going to get back on top. Some have a mommy and a daddy, and some have two mommies, or no parents and just grandparents.
It just happens sometimes.
My husband has left me for another woman. How do I let go? - Grief & Bereavement Issues
I wanted to let it all go and just move forward. The gym became my outlet. I punched so hard in my cardio boxing class that people stopped and stared at me as though I was the Hulk. His girlfriend got a hit to the face. Punch punch punch punch punch punch. I hoped people would think I was just sweating from my eyes. I am still hanging on, still hoping, still praying, despite how much more ill I become each day.
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No one has a crystal ball or can foretell the future. But what do I do to get over the incredible hurt, the pain, the disbelief? The lies I now feel I was led all those years? She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual s.
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This is a situation that comes up in relationships sometimes. A very painful situation, but not an infrequent one, unfortunately. One partner in the relationship loses the attachment to the relationship, while the other partner does not. Then, one day and seemingly out of the blue, the partner who has detached from the relationship announces that he or she is leaving and that there is no possibility of further discussion; no ambivalence to play on; no possibility of salvaging things.
Adults being as partnered up as they generally are, when you are suddenly alone, it is easy to feel terribly lonely, and to feel like a complete failure. The kind of grief associated with this loss is similar certainly not the same to the kind of grief that someone who was suddenly and unexpectedly widowed might experience. In terms of what you should do, the advice I have to give is simple but hard to follow. You need to let this husband of yours go, in my humble opinion. Not because you want to do this, but because he clearly no longer wants to be with you, and to not divorce yourself from him emotionally at this time is to decide instead to suffer in a more intense manner than is absolutely necessary.
People get obsessional when they are in your position.