Right now, the future may seem daunting and uncertain. Moving forward may feel like an impossible task. But let me tell you, no matter how hard life seems at this moment, know that you can and will get through this. Just like many before you, have. Just like many after you, will. This is especially true when the separation involves children.
This fog makes completing the simplest tasks feel monumental. Perhaps this state of being can be likened to experiencing an error that occurs on your personal computer. Sometimes, the only way to regain control of the system is to use the combination of these keyboard keys: This also happens to be the one action that you can take right now to get you moving forward.
Reboot your operating system. Shut down and restart yourself. To shut down means to allow yourself to sit with the despair. Allow yourself to feel the gravity of your loss.
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Allow yourself enough time to grieve. Acknowledge that this will be a challenging period in your life. Accept that you may come across obstacles and setbacks. But, realize that these setbacks are mere speed bumps on your road to the perfect destination. Take each setback in stride. Resign to the fact that on some days, exhaustion will get the better of you.
They are treated as normal persons and well received by everyone in the island. My parents divorced when I was quite young and I was raised in Pakistan from the ages of I can safely say that I have never once felt like I was missing out on anything, my mother explained to me that people might ask me questions about the separation and she told me what I should say in response to it. She made an effort to include other male role models in my life uncles, older cousins, my grandfather and was honest with me in an age appropriate way about why my parents had separated and told me that I could always talk to her if I was confused or had questions.
Far more damaging than a "Broken home" is witnessing an unhappy, unsatisfactory marriage and knowing that it is because of you that the marriage has continued. For any parent out there who feels guilty for what their children are going through, remember that in any sane world it is better to have a single loving and involved parent than to have a mediocre married "family" life. I am a man and successful professional in USA I have a sister who got divorced and not only the friends , our own family disowned her and her children.
I have a unsuccessful; marriage but I and my children still suffer from pain every week if not every day. I dont find courage or confidence to take the step to have a better life for myself and may be for my children. Brave, Courageous and an excellent role model for your kids. There is noting to be ashamed off They'll be a lot better off growing in a happy home. You just need your kids to make you happy not some other Amber, I admire your courage. Divorce is an option only after sincere reconciliation efforts fail and no other options remain.
Life of a single mother is hard but not impossible. Many women decide to divorce not for selfish reasons but actually for the sake for their children. It is a misconception that children are harmed due to divorce. There are many instances where children are harmed and psychologically impacted for life, by living with parents who are abusive to each other and live miserably together only due to societal pressures.
I guess people overall have been unsympathetic and compassionless to the writer because our society, when it comes to personal matters, is relatively chauvinistic, male superiority dominated thinking. So it is very difficult to expect understanding from such shallow mindset if you divorced on genuine grounds, which I am sure you had. Both males and females in educated societies have the right to decide the long term consequences of a relationship, but that's some far fetched imaginary expectation from our society as it hasn't yet fully embraced the meaning of educated enlightening.
My son calls me "wo admee" instead of "abu" As someone who went through a painful separation and divorce, I can safely say that no disagreement is worth it. Life is full of compromises - the job may not be everything that you like, the house you may live in may have horrible tiles int he bathroom, the driver may not shower everyday but he is a good, dependable person. So why cant people give others the benefit of the doubt and talk openly about whats bothering them.
Job stresses, horrible bosses, abrasive coworker, limited career prospects. There is nothing in this world that cannot be resolved by talking openly. That is what we dont do or encourage. Talk for Gods sake. I have a friend, he is married and lives with his family in Germany. I never saw that he brings his kids to park, movies, museums or spend quality time with them. He is present at home and is with children but he is not really spending time with them. I also have another friend, who is divorced.
He meet his kids every 2nd weekend. He takle them out for sports, parks, spend quality time with them and takes much care about them. In reserach, it has been shown that divorced kids are emotionally strong, successful and self made as they have to start developing their personality early. Agree with you and that is how it happens in the West - no divorce is final unless there is agreed upon plan for raising kids and dividing finances, otherwise the judge makes the decision and fathers always get visiting rights. Infidelity, impotence, abuse, violence What is there to talk in any of these.
Thanks for your kind words. I know this is wrong but I madly loved him and still divorce seems such a difficult step. I know he's wrong and he probably won't change but I am giving in my best in hope of a miracle. Pls do pray for me a lot. Sorry to hear this story. Especially with Imran Khan divorcing today.
Marriage is a gamble. No explanation can be put to ensure success of a marriage or cause of failure. As much I feel sorry for the woman in a divorce, I feel more sorry for the man, because men can't live alone. Syeda Ali having female friends is different than having girlfriends! If you are sure he is cheating on you, get out now because believe me no matter what you do he won't change.
You are smart not to have kids with a cheating husband. I can relate to your experience. Those horrible questions that make you feel compelled to justify your decision. Did he hit you? Was he gonna kill you? Like any expectation of love, respect and peace of mind was idiotic. Thank you for writing about your experience. You are a brave woman for saying what you are saying and a wise woman for choosing what is best for you and your kids.
We all owe it to ourselves, to give us the best chance in our lives. Yes you are better off without a person who wasn't right for you but I won't say that I hope you find a good man because your happiness and self esteem does not depend on that. I wish that you lead a happy and fulfilling life. Right comes along, fine, if not, you should feel content and proud in knowing that you took charge of your own life and happiness and didn't associate it with finding a husband.
The writer has touched a very complex problem. Divorce has davistating effect on children west or east does not matter. Do not go for children unless you are sure that you could live together rest of your life. Though children will suffer but you can not suffer either by living with someone who is abusive.
You took the right decision and Inshallah you and your children will grow with dignity and respect. You are lucky to be in west, at least you had an option to leave your husband. What people will say should be your least concern. According to western laws, assets must be divided equally between you and your husband so you wont be living on street. Your husband cant take the kids from you and will have to pay child support till they are I see you are an IT professional, so you can take care of your self financially as well. If they want divorce, its not only the people they have to face, but they have to go to courts for years, if they are lucky to get a divorce, they will be kicked out of the house because its considered "husband's house".
If a woman is not from a powerful family, husband will snatch the kids from her. Most probably she wont be trained by her parents to be on her feet financially, so what options does she have? THOMASD, the reason why divorced father spends quality time with the kids is because they feel emotionally deprived and meet the children to fulfill their emotional needs. How can you get statistics of children with single parents Vs a full family.
It's not possible because of the numbers composition. It's very easy to try to override common sense by using fancy statistics that no one can debate against. Would be great if we can read about the other side of story as well. I wonder if DAWN can reach out to husband and he show willingness to uncover his experiences too. I believe that decisions like these are equally hard on both. Cheating, toxic relationships, submissiveness, heat of the moment, a lot of people are commenting but I don't think any of it is the case here as far as what I get from it. It's a pure choice decision, and I am still supportive of it but I would not jump to assumption and sympathize with her for her 'choice'.
The best thing she did though was moving on with life afterwards. No point in holding on to the past. I hope life has more sunshines for you. I think we should do whatever it takes to save your marriage, no wonder people in abroad have big ratio of divorce, Marriage is all about sacrifice not getting into this debate of of who has to sacrifice more.
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I know in most cases women has to. Kids suffer the most in this. You would not be able to tell this only if you have been trough this and had lived your life with one parent. I wish and hope one should never have to go this.
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Give your spouse enough space and time so they can prosper in their own personal lives if you are too close that breeds resentment I I have seen in the West a lot of times after a poor quality marriage the spouses are best friends but after the divorce point to ponder. I am a moderator on Alienated Fathers of Pakistan. You mention about your own experience and feelings and I absolutely respect that. However what is the visitation schedule that you have worked out with your ex. How are you helping your children understand the new dynamics of their relationship with their father?
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I am sure you are inculcating in them a sense of respect and love for their father. How long have you been divorced and what efforts have you made during this time to actually get the children to meet their father? Humz why is it always "you"? If you wanted everything for yourself, why did you have children? Did it ever occur to you that your children need both parents? Shying away from a divorce is not a bad thing since it's the last resort to unsolvable martial issues.
They never discover their own blind spots and fix them thus they again meet the same fate. Blaming others and not realizing where we are wrong is easy I agree what is written, not only a woman but also a man goes through the same psychological torture. It takes very very long time to heal the wounds.
Severing the links with the environment you both used to live in helps, that is how I coup with it. Talking to friends and even relatives will not help. They only look at your life as a soap opera and a "juicy" TV drama. It is a "topic of discussion" amongst their friends and keeping them away discussing their own problems. I salute your courage in writing this article. Divorce is a very personal matter. You don't owe anyone any explanation. If somebody irrelevant wants to talk about it to you tell them its non of their business.
Staying together is not always a sign of a successful marriage. Often it is a sign of one maybe both parties being unable to get out of a marriage, howsoever painful, humiliating, degrading, stressful the decision to stay together. All those marriages which heap pain, stress, humiliation and degradation on one or both partners are unsuccessful. All the people, and I mean all including close family, who bother you with these questions should be told first politely, then firmly - "None of your business".
You do not owe any explanations to anyone. The children will understand, one day, if you do not continue to become negative in talking about your marriage or your former spouse. Move on positively with confidence that the past is behind - never dwell on it. When people engage you in such talk They are provoking negativity about the past inside you. You do not owe anyone any explanations - in real life or online excuse my saying so. Do this, discover yourself fully and be happy. Then maybe, share your newfound happiness despite the inevitable turbulences of life with those who are in the state you find yourself now.
Interesting perspective on this topic, I agree in Desi culture the view on divorce maybe a bit extreme. However, in comparison the opposite may be true for the Western culture. Getting divorced in the west is more common then taken too lightly and too frequent , hence accepted as no big deal. This is what causes divorces over small indifferences or compromises. We can take the best from both cultures: This is not a big thing anymore within and outside Pakistan.
Not sure about your social and family circles. I am sure you made the right decision if you feel satisfies that you did. You will find someone better or someone better will find you I think you are being too hard on yourself. Generally People dont care what others are doing.
Divorce is painful and it will be nomatter what others will say. Best thing after divorce is to take some time away from most of the People and function one needs alot of time for onesself.
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It's a Muslim practice with different interpretations. Divorce is a very personal thing. Marriage is a contract between two individuals not two families. If they feel like it's not working out for some reason or that they are not truly happy together they can break it off. I don't think it's against the religion or the society. It's between two individuals families need not get involved. I absolutely hate it how families try to control and get involved in our society.
They should act sensibly and let the couple decide whether they want to live together or not, that's the most sensible approach. And honestly one shouldn't care what other people think or day about you it shouldn't matter it's your life. Stop giving a damn if you want to live happily. Get remarried or stay single that's your choice just don't listen to people do what you feel is right.
People will always talk no matter what. Totally agree with you. A divorce may be tough, but it definitely is not the end of the world! Being a divorcee myself, I can totally relate with you, the side way glances, the questioning stares and the cheeky remarks which torment you! But on day one, I had promised myself that I shall spend my life with a head held high and shelter my children as much as possible from the cruelty of the society!
Move on with your life without caring for the insensitive attitude of people who feel it their birth right to interfere in your personal matters! The wagging tongues will tire and stop if you refuse to be agitated by them. I respect women who get divorced. Pakistani society has made this a shameful thing for women by the constant judgement and the, "Ohhh, bechare!!
I'm married fr 17 years now to a pakistani man and honestly I'm telling u frm self experience my life is a living hell. Dear reader, online ads enable us to deliver the journalism you value. Please support us by taking a moment to turn off Adblock on Dawn. Pakistanis have a strange obsession with not getting divorced Amber Rashid Updated October 30, The women are the worst.
They look you up and down and you can almost hear their minds whirring: Was he hitting you? Did he want to divorce you? But you left him although you have children together? People who would not have dared to tell me what parenting style I should choose had I a man in the picture, now freely dispense their pearls of wisdoms. I read somewhere that attitudes towards divorce are changing amongst Pakistanis.
Comments 81 Closed Popular Newest Oldest. Oct 30, I really hope you find someone that meets and suits your expectations and lifestyle. I have sympathies with women and children and the family life. From my experience, our society is not mature enough for divorce. Age factor matters alot.
Psychologically, people who are past 40s, they are well bonded. Pakistanis should learn something from Imran Khan.