How to talk to anyone: A Short Guide to Improving your Social Skills in Any Setting

Maybe your conversations tend to sputter out prematurely, and you're not sure how to keep them going.

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Or maybe you want more meaningful connections with others, but you're not sure how to take your conversations beyond small talk and into that deeper level. Whatever your struggle is, I can help. In this section, I explain the principles of "Invitation" and "Inspiration" and how these two principles work together to create smooth, comfortable conversation. Read lesson one now! Invitation, The Art of Good Questions Invitations help to add structure to a conversation by clearly communicating to your partner when it's their turn to speak and giving them a topic to speak about.

In this section, I discuss invitations in depth and teach you how to use them in your conversations. In addition, since most invitations are questions, I explain how to ask good questions and show how you can build rapport with others using questions. Read lesson two now! Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?

Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I talk to people that I like.

I talk to people that I don't like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But I still have a great conversation with them.

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So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen. Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, think of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget all of that. There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.

Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life. So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people, and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists. Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody. We've all had really great conversations.

We've had them before. We know what it's like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly understood.

There is no reason why most of your interactions can't be like that. So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you'll already enjoy better conversations. And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.

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I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it. If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog. Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring. If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.

If they're liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. And you don't want to be like that. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener.

Again, assume that you have something to learn. Everybody is an expert in something. In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you, "Were you terrified? I would like Susan to choose the restaurant this week. Being passive means always agreeing with others, always allowing them to get their own way, giving into their wishes, and making no demands or requests of your own.

Behaving this way is no guarantee that others will like or admire you. Much of the time, however, other people will be interested in what you think. Think how you would feel if everyone always agreed with you. A central part of being assertive is setting and keeping personal boundaries. This is difficult for many people. But other people cannot possibly know how busy you are, how much you dislike a particular task, or what other plans you have already made unless you tell them.

Below are links corresponding to the three areas of communication just outlined. In each section you will find information described in two important steps that can help you get started in identifying your specific difficulties, and improving your communication skills to help you begin building successful and meaningful social relationships. For more information on overcoming social anxiety, effective communication, and increasing assertiveness, see:.

Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook: Proven Techniques for Overcoming Your Fears.

The Communication Skills Book. Skip to main content. Unfortunately, one of the consequences of avoiding social situations is that you never have the opportunity to: