Yes, in the short—term, you have gained a momentary blood-related ally, but in the end, you tear down the integral fabric of safety and genuine, pure love that the child feels for the targeted parent.
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Furthermore, involving your children into your second-hand hate for your ex-partner sets the foundation for how they will interact with their future partners and children. I have seen this scenario over and over again.
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I think the real challenge for people after a divorce is to stay respectful toward the other parent in front of the kids. Do not ask your kids questions when they have come home from being with the other parent, in every which way, in order to set up a false scenario.
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Try to remember that your children are 50 percent the other parent; if you hate the other parent, your child feels that hate and therefore feels that half of them is unlovable. It all boils down to this: Being a parent means that sometimes you have to be selfless, and that includes sucking it up and handling yourself as an adult for the sake of your kids. Yeah, yeah, I know all about it. I know all about how bad it can be when two people, who once loved one another, no longer do.
I get how hurt feelings and deep disappointments can turn kind, loving people into crazy voodoo-chanting psychos who sit with tiki dolls and needles, casting spells on the offending partner. This goes for parents of all aged children, not just parents of young kids. It took time to really figure out what my blog would offer you and how it would be different from everything else out there. Here it is… this blog will provide you with a daily dose of advice, inspiration, spirituality and of course beauty… along with real life thoughts throughout my zen-centric journey into self-awareness.
How did you manage it?! You sense a certain amount of glee at being able to express such forbidden feelings about their stepchildren or "skids" as they're not so lovingly referred to. The dilemmas are ones that usually remain hidden: Another asks for advice on how to deal with a teenage stepdaughter who "can't even stand to hear my name being mentioned". Another confesses, "I'm worried because I hear so many of you love your kids and I, well, don't.
Bravely, or possibly naively, Alex hasn't been afraid to air such dark thoughts. One newspaper headline after the launch ran with her admission, "I wish my stepchildren had never been born". Yet three months later, she still doesn't regret her candour, modifying it only slightly. If you take that to its literal conclusion, yes, I suppose you could say I wish they'd never been born. However, that's not the case - I do enjoy their company. They're intelligent, bright young people. But it is the case that I wish Matt and I could have got together before any of this.
Alex met her partner Matt, 43, over four years ago when they worked together on the same radio show. They became friends and slowly realised they had serious feelings for one another and, after much deliberation, Matt left his marriage. When Alex first began to see his children, Chloe, nine, and Tom, five, every weekend, she enjoyed her new role. Then one night, something shifted; it suddenly dawned on her just how excluded she really felt. I felt really uncomfortable, totally on the outside.
Normally, I'd cuddle up with Matt and now I saw something that was stopping me from doing that. He was giving his affection to someone else and, yes, I felt jealous, resentful, miffed. The fundamental conflict is, he's at his happiest when he's with me and the kids.
Do You Love Your Children More than You Hate Your Ex?
I'm at my happiest when it's just the two of us. Sometimes she'd try to embrace the new "mothering" role but much of the time Alex felt it "just wasn't me". There was the first camping holiday when she realised how intense parenting could be; the exhaustion and continual demands. Then the kids' unwitting mentions of shared moments with their mum; that holiday in France, the quality of her cooking as Alex served up a family lasagne.
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- I love him, but not his kids;
Sometimes, she wishes, she could just be left alone. Is she sure she's not just moaning about mothering in general? Parenting takes an enormous amount of hard work, so does step-parenting - but the difference is that step-parents are doing all these basic practicalities and it's not through love.
Do You Love Your Children More than You Hate Your Ex?
As brave as it may be to say such things, didn't she worry about what her stepchildren would think? The fact that those feelings are "out there" doesn't appear to concern her. Nor is she worried that it could appear to some that she put her feelings above her stepchildren's in being so brutally honest. I still had problems. Just because mine weren't as far up the scale as theirs doesn't mean they're not worthy or don't exist.
We are in the sitting room of their modern home in a village outside Reading, conspicuously free of child clutter save for one bedroom given over entirely to toys for when the children stay.
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On the mantelpiece behind her there is a small framed photograph of Chloe and Tom grinning, either side of their dad, arms entwined around him. Alex's candour is appealing but at times heartbreaking - from a child's point of view. She relates a bleak moment when she was looking after Tom on her own. It is the casual indifference that can sound so hardhearted - no wonder most stepmothers wouldn't dare to admit as much.
Yet Alex does just that in an attempt to explode the myth of the wicked stepmother, not conform to it. I thought, 'Am I really the evil stepmother here, wishing these children away?