Product description About the Author Valerie J. She is actively involved in the ministry of her local church and serves as the administrator of the Pastoral Care Ministry schools held in the United States and abroad. Share your thoughts with other customers. Write a customer review. Most helpful customer reviews on Amazon. Many times in marriage, ministry and with relationships in general, "things can go south for unexpected reasons" and the more one does to correct the problem seems to only make it worse.
There could be a relational transference occuring. This book does a great job in identifying such and provides steps to take for healthy resolution.
Good expose' on what can happen in our lives and with those we are in relationship. Penney rated it it was amazing May 20, Kim Winkleman rated it liked it Oct 02, Tina Mcintire rated it liked it Jan 18, Chris rated it really liked it Aug 03, David rated it liked it Jul 21, Agata rated it it was amazing Jun 29, Philippa rated it it was amazing Jul 01, Brian rated it it was amazing Sep 18, Jodi Q Hill rated it liked it Oct 20, Dave Wainscott rated it it was amazing Mar 04, Vanilla Chai rated it it was amazing May 08, Sarah Kortright rated it liked it Jan 04, Ellen rated it it was amazing Feb 12, Megan rated it really liked it Jul 19, Matt rated it really liked it Apr 13, Dena Andrews rated it liked it Jan 19, Ruth rated it liked it Feb 26, Paul rated it really liked it Jan 13, Rebecca Hicks rated it it was amazing May 06, Kent rated it really liked it Oct 19, Sandi rated it really liked it Jun 06, Marsha rated it really liked it Aug 02, Sandi added it Mar 21, Claire marked it as to-read Mar 04, Kim Boldt added it Apr 14, Gearhartor added it Jul 16, James Mincy marked it as to-read Jul 28, Her story for her Father is that she cant bear to speak to him because he let it happen to her.
It is known she has a sister but Claire has never really opened up about her so nothing is really known. Claire begins referring to my mum as the mum she never had as a child the relationship grows stronger and eventually when the lease runs out on her student housing she moves in with us, starts calling my parents mum and dad and me and my other siblings are encouraged to call her our sister to make her feel welcome. This at first seemed odd but after a while it all slipped into normality. I'm typically British and all this sharing lark wasn't really my game.
If its not falling off its not a problem. But my mum always shares everything and despite some mild discomfort at some of our new dinner time discussions I eventually get used to it. A short while after this Claire starts having fits, so they go to a doctor and to the surprise of everyone including Claire seemingly she has epilepsy. Which is eventually controlled with drugs and put in its rightful place. Though she lost her driving licence for a while life then continued on as normal. I believe it was at this point she killed off her dad and again quickly after her sister.
Obviously not literally, just in her fantasy world. Again, not long after she was 'diagnosed' with cancer although none of us ever went to one of oncology appointments with her because she always had a story lined up about someone else taking her and though this bugged my mum massively that Claire wasn't letting her help her through it she had moved out and had a life of her own. Up north, another place she had been to university prior to going to university here. I think she was supposed to be doing her masters down here. Who knows if that one is true.
We never met John he was always busy but he definitely existed, we had seen pictures of them, with engagement rings and it all seems legit. But obviously we are pushing to meet him because, she was family and by extension so was he. John quickly disappeared from her life after this, she moved back home and explained it as, he wasn't right for her and she didn't want to make a lifelong commitment to someone that she wasn't sure about.
At this point I was making jokes about her flair for the dramatic it never occurred to me that any of this was fabricated. But my other sister lets call her Kate was clearly starting to get massively suspicious. Claire and Kate fell out, in a big way and because of the things Kate was saying about Claire it seemed like Kate being horribly malicious and cruel.
Why would anyone fake cancer that's just sick But Kate had been doing research and a lot of the things weren't adding up so deciding to put my mind at ease I disguised snooping around as mild intrigue and asked what her chemo pills looked like, whether they had to be kept in a special container to prevent contamination into anything else etc.
When I asked, Claire was capable of producing some medication, which I now believe to be her epilepsy medication.
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My mind was set at ease. I've seen the pills of course it's real you can't just fake that. I didn't even think to check on the name of the pill or whether anything else she told me was true. Maybe I was too trusting I don't know. I already felt bad for doubting her. Somewhere in here, a new man arrives on the scene lets call him Phil. Phil seems a bit dodgy from the start and I'm not entirely sure of him. Not dodgy in any malevolent sense just a bit cagey with some cagey family background.
Which was probably all fabricated by her but he was untrusting of us and us of him. Which probably suited her because we never really exchanged a lot of information between us. We were careful what we said to him and the same the other way.
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Eventually Phil and Claire get engaged. N'awwwww, she seems happy maybe not everyone's choice of bloke but really he's harmless and she is in love so we accept it. Fast forward and Phil and Claire have set a date for July plans are in full swing. Claire has told us that because of her employment with the Salvation Army she won't be with us Christmas Eve and Christmas morning because she wants to get an early night at home and go to work.
Phil and Claire don't live together so mid afternoon Claire drives to Phils's and they come to us for Christmas dinner. Everything is lovely and we have a great time. And here comes the twist. Fucking Bruce Willis is a ghost and Claire's natural mother and father happen to be walking to a church service when they spot Claire's car parked up. Not only are both Claire's natural parents alive and well but also, by all accounts lovely people happily married with 2 daughters. This sets off alarm bells for them because Claire told them she was up North with friends.
They ask, where she is, how she is, what she is doing and she responds saying that she is as they thought she is up north. But remember at this point she is no more than 5 miles away eating dinner with us. At this point they start to dig because they want to know where she is and that she is safe. They find a friend who they know who she was at university with who says she seems to recall a guy called Phillip who she was very friendly with and perhaps he would know. So after a quick facebook search they find Phil, and with it pictures of him with her and engagement rings and wedding plans and all sorts.
All of which they knew nothing about. Again her natural parents text Claire with a line of inquiry, who is Phillip? Are congratulations in order? No, she replies, why? At this point her parents go a right fuck-a-do and track down Phil and his phone number. Claire has been telling Phil that my parents were her birth parents too. And that all the stories of abuse were about us. No wonder he was off with us.
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I've dealt with it by literally never talking about it again. I guess I never got any comeuppance or closure, I saw her in a city not far from where I live the other week. She didn't see me so I just walked on as if I hadn't but she looked well and she was with a guy and I hope she has got her life sorted out and is happy. How much do you think Hollywood would pay for this? I reckon I could turn it into a reasonable script. Because essentially what you've just said is that my life is so tragic you would pay good money to watch it as light entertainment.
When you put it that way it sounds like i am an ass. But yes thow in a side love story and you might have a hit movie.
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People love watching drama about other familys. Does anyone else remember that redditors comment about how getting lost in space would be a terrible way to die? That new movie with Sandra Bullock seems oddly similar. Wow, it's lie in a lie, wrapped up in a lie.
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It was hard to keep up with just reading about it. If you ask me how I am I will say fine. We british don't talk about how we are. For context I will show you a conversation between me and my best friend following the death of his Mother and follow it with the subtext. My mum just died don't ask me how I am That sucks dude, do you want to talk about it? Please don't want to talk about it No, I'm fine I'm dying inside but I'm not going to tell you Is there anything I can do?
Do you want a beer? No I'm good No, I don't think anyone can help I've fell into a pit of despair Well, if you want to talk just ring me Please don't ring me Thanks man don't worry I won't. Sorry this happened to you and your family, but I really want this to be a book. I would read the shit out of it. This sounds like a movie only somebody would get killed near the end. Also you would have sex with her. My ex-boyfriend was a compulsive liar. He lied about his age, his family, schools, everything. He even lied about his sexuality and took a guy to his formal while we were dating.
I am not the friend, but rather I'm the "evil" one, or at least I was. See, I am a nice person and I could never hurt anybody. That's me when I'm clean. This story is from my days of active addiction. It was senior year of high school, and I was part of a tight-knit group of friends who all played sports and would eventually all go to college. And we partied hard, and we experimented with drugs together.
Well, the experimenting didn't stay at that for me, I dealt with my underlying social anxiety issues and negative self image by taking painkillers. My parents always gave me more than enough money, and I would do odd jobs to support the habit for people I knew. But the tolerance grew, and the withdrawals started. And I started stealing pills from these houses. Shitty, I know, but I was truly desperate. But one weekend the party is at my buddies house. I spent the last of my money on a few beers and pills that just ran out.
I go to take a piss and there is a bottle with hydrocodone 10mg pills. My friend soon knew, and he and I fought but I never gave him the pills. They were soon gone. Turns out his mom legitimately needed those for pain after surgery. They all turned on me, for good reason. Every time they gave me a chance I stole something else or showed up so high I couldn't stay awake. I couldn't stay clean for more than a few days no matter how hard I tried, I was just too damn sick. Over the next few years, I did a similar pattern with college friends, graduated to heroin and needles, and lost everything.
I'm clean now, by six months. I hate to talk about these things, but it's an interesting perspective for y'all I hope.
Just know that through it all I hurt myself more than my friends. I betrayed the people who would have taken a bullet for me. I used to hate anyone who did drugs. I thought they were a idiots who had no lives. As I got older, all my friends became addicts, and although I never did or haven't yet , I realized that drugs didn't have to define your personality, and you can always change. You are one of those people that prove to me you can still be a good person and have common sense, while being an addict. I hope you continue to stay clean.
It's funny because I had the exact same ideas about drugs right up until I got into them when I was about If you scare the shit out of them from all drugs regardless then they see people smoking marijuana with no problems their perception of drugs will change. It's easier said than done. You can't just "stop" doing drugs. And there is always a road back that you can take. You just gotta find it. I've realized how stupid the whole "drugs are evil" thing is, but still prefer sobriety.
Glad your clean buddy and best luck. Just a third party perspective, but man Don't hate sharing stories like this. You're a fucking warrior for getting clean and it's important for people to understand the consequences of things like substance abuse. I used to feel really horrible about my track marks until one day, when I was in rehab, this guy came up to me and said "Don't be ashamed of your scars. You're a warrior and those are battle wounds. I know it's not the same, but I feel like this regarding my self harm scars.
There's no shame in overcoming a flaw or surviving a bad decision. Rather people should be proud they endured where so many others didn't. Seriously, I am so proud of you. I cannot imagine how hard that was. You amazing, wonderful person. Congrats to getting and staying clean, it's a tough thing but stay strong: I've never personally been a victim, which I believe is because I'm extremely paranoid. However I have seen someone fall victim, and I've been a passive observer as a friend became a perpetrator.
Interestingly, the original victim became the oppressor. Flashback to sophomore year of high school. One of my friends let's call him Al just met a kid who called himself Hiiroke, who was obviously in a bad situation. Dirt poor, living in a tiny-ass basement with his whole family, his mom's a whore literally and he's just generally fucked. My friend offered to take him in for a bit, help him get his shit together and get on his feet.
So far, so good. As time goes on, I notice Al is starting to get into harder drugs we'd smoke and drink on occasion, but nothing like a serious habit. I ask him about it, and it turns out this hiiroke kid is doing and selling drugs while living in Al's house. A red flag goes up in my head, but I figure it takes time to readjust from his kind of situation. Skip forward a few months, and Al is completely and hopelessly addicted to heroin. Hiiroke disappeared in a poof of smoke, along Al's computer, savings, and his mom's jewelry.
We later find out that his mom is an exception, and this kid had plenty of relatives who were well-off that could have helped him. The entire reason he refused to go live with them was because he couldn't do drugs if he was living with them. Once this hiiroke kid was out of the picture, Al decided to pull almost exactly the same thing on his girlfriend. He fed her a sob story about his mom being mean and abusive not true at all and told her he needed someone to help him get away from his mom. She was mega-rich, so of course they were able to, and Al was is a damn good liar.
Fast forward 3 months, and now his girlfriend is hooked on heroin, the family's valuables are disappearing, and Al is starting to look pale and skeletal. It was at this point that I expressed interest in meeting his heroin dealer. At first that sounds like the opposite of what you'd want to do, but I had tipped the cops off as to where and when.
Dealer gets arrested, Al gets booked into rehab, and his girlfriend disappears to california with the guy she was cheating on him with. I think you should have done something earlier. Not blaming you, if that story is true then you are an awesome dude but I think with an earlier intervention things could have went differently. That really comes down to an internal debate between one's freedom to chose their own actions, and the potential drawbacks of that freedom. For quite some time, I cut contact with him and told myself it was his choice to get involved in that life.
It wasn't until I saw him later, while I was with other friends, that I realized he had become subservient to his addictions. That was what prompted action. So, yes, you're right, but I still don't regret it. He learned his lesson and has been clean from that day since -- I'd consider that a win. My wife's uncle was a seemingly nice guy. Always seemed to be a on a string of bad luck, but nevertheless, a nice guy. Last year we found out he was wanted by the FBI for child molestation really little kids.
He was convicted last month and sentenced to 15 years. My wife spent almost every weekend growing up with him cause her parents were drunks. He never touched her, thank god. Once he's out of prison, he'll have to stand trial in 2 other states for his crimes there. Even to this day, I can't get the thought of talking to him and shaking his hand out of my head. I know that feeling, man. I used to go camping with my boy scout troop- a couple years later one of the leaders was charged with every charge under the sun involving CP.
It's scary shit, once I look back. Reminds me of an episode of Always Sunny when Mac was pissed off and jealous that his gym teacher didn't molest him. My cousin dated this guy that no one in her family approved of, she told me that it was because he was double her age but they were in love and he was a great guy bla bla bla, I even spent a day with the two of them together. Turns out her parents were freaking out about it because he was a convicted paedophile and had tried to get to her little sister on more than one occasion, but my cousin didn't care.
They have two kids together now. I know it's not the same because your wife had extended contact with him but it definitely reminded me of how freaked out I was when I found out. I was friends with two of them at the same time, and then they ended up turning on each other because one was a cheater and the other was a gossip monger. Imagine Joan Crawford and Bette Davis' rivalry if they were something boot licking hipster girls with a high school clique mentality They totally split a close knit group of friends completely in half. They'd be completely sweet and awesome friends one minute, then the next minute they'd have absolutely no problem throwing you under the bus once they felt you didn't stroke their ego enough.
My group of friends all are so fucking kick ass. I still love these girls like sisters, except one. Let me tell you about this bitch. It starts out with T, the crazy one, liking a guy, K, who was interested in but just friends with G. T eventually gets K to like her, and they end up dating. K and G are still friends, and of course so is the friend group.
As time goes on T starts to say negative things about G and how G is antagonizing her. I've known G since 4th grade and this sounds out of character, but I dunno whats going on. T got more manipulative as senior year progressed and had almost completely alienated G from the group god I can't believe how blind we were. High school ends, we all go to college. Over time M notices several peculiarities in how T acts as a friend and as a girlfriend to K.
T starts doing small, bitchy things to M throughout the semester and M complains to me about it via text and FB messages. Then called the cops on us.. I was currently living 3 hours away.. Because SHE invaded someone's privacy and went through their accounts trying to find negative things about herself. What's fucked up is how she would always act so BFF-y with us and said how much she loved us, invited us to parties at her house, etc. And then it got back to M and I that she would do noting but talk shit about us, when originally M and I never said a word against her.
The whole time knew this girl she would talk about how her parents were mean and abusive and called her fat she MAYBE weighed , after a surgery or made her uncomfortable, but she always had the best clothes and make up, etc. I know material possessions don't constitute for a parent's love, but I really doubt she would have a collection of Coach bags if they didn't like her as much as she claimed. No time for her. I just want to speak to your last point. I have a friend whose parents were horribly abusive. They were verbally, physically, and sexually abusive.
However, she had all the newest everything. Her hair was always perfect and her nails were always done. Just ignore the bruises, suicide attempts, and mental health medication, and you'd think she had the perfect life. Fucking rich junky alcoholics. They didn't take care of her but damn well made sure the world would think they did.
You definitely have a real point there. It's true I don't know the extent of her home situation and never will, but when you hear so much BS from someone, you kind of look back and wonder what else might have been, you know? Yep, the girls I knew demonstrated similar behavior; shit talking, privacy invasion, being a sycophant It was very difficult for me because we shared mutual friends and I ended up in the middle of unnecessary drama and couldn't find a way out. I was walking on eggshells and I had to bite my tongue so much I nearly severed it right off.
The cheater ended up hooking up with my boyfriend's best friend; he already hated the gossip monger so they had an automatic alliance, much to my chagrin because I thought she was no better than the gossip monger. The last straw was when she was getting antagonistic with my sister because she was still friends with the gossip monger, and while she was starting fights with her she was running after my boyfriend to get coddled. Best friend turned roommate. Turns out she's a pathological liar, systematically isolated me from all our friends by telling them lies that made them hate me, never paid what she said she did to our apartment office, and then packed up and ran out on me while I was at work without ever telling me she had any problems with living with me.
And she didn't even leave a note. Now I have to find a roommate asap or risk losing my dream job and having to move back in with my mother. She then manipulated the various committees and connections her family controlled to have me run out if the church. I was so hurt that we my family and me just left.