She would and will not listen to me. Advice falls on deaf ears. She is now living in a nice assisted living community. She still buys online and her little apartment is looking like a landfill. I have given up. I refuse to go into that apartment anymore, although I still pick her up and have her over to my house. It has fallen on me to get her house ready to sell. My life consists of trying to undo all the poor decisions that she made for her life.
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And I have kindly confronted them about it and yet they still go back to doing the same exact thing. I even wake up to my parents chatting across the room at 5 am or the tv volume up way too loud. These are just a few examples of how they irritate me. I pointed her mistake and she starts yelling and argued with me, and her usual words when I pointed her mistake. So you saying that whatever I do is wrong! She just judging and guessing it.
She judges people by how they look, how the food are, and complain is what she do best and insults. My Uncle and Aunt understand what I mean, because they know how my mother is. My mother is too stubborn to trying to understand. But only the child know. So anyone who is a Parent here, you better know what you are doing. Be a good example to your child and not like my mother.
Just do what you can make your whole family happy. A family without happiness is not a family. My Mother is even worse. Its driving me insane. One day after another she keeps asking how is everything. I was like getting tired of her asking that same question and I answered: And she immediately scold me and say why am I so rude. And she said that I cross her mouth. What is even happening. Clearly she is the one who is being rude. A person have the right to not answer a question. But when I changed school and live in another place With my Aunt She is acting like she cares about me in front of others.
If you really care about your child. You will be caring the child at home even when your alone. Not when people are watching you. Form 3 for us in Malaysia. I was looking at my computer. When she returned, all she does is asking the same question. That is one bad excuse. Hopefully no mother would make this mistake as my mother did. Because you are doing a big mistake. This is an advise from me. Do not do whatever my mother doing. She never looks around before she do something.
People could tell what are you doing wrong. Thank you for this web content. Has anyone taken videos of their loved one when they are in bad moods etc? This can help when they go to the doctors and the ER and you have proof of the other ways they behave. My mom would not bath, change cloths, complain about too much food in the fridge and became verbally abusive and many times could not make it to the bathroom. She would also repay bills I set up on auto pay.
Every bill became a secret and I would have to rush over because it was urgent I see the paperwork. Too many falls, rehab place and times a month were urgent doctor visits or the ER. We were able to get her tested for memory loss and were able to move her into a assisted living home which she hates. It was a act of God that we were able to get the POA all signed and the others revoked. She kept changing them the past 5 years. We were planning on disconnecting the car so she could not drive. We did not need to since her mechanic stopped adding fluids and we had a gasket go on the car. After she could not drive for a few weeks and found another car she could not drive the new car loss of memory and familiarity.
They do not tell you what to do but everyone shares what they have done and they can clarify YOU are NOT loosing your mind. They care and will share possible things that have worked for them with aging parents that are loosing their minds bit by bit. Now is the time to meet with an elder law attorney. At least receive some counseling so you will understand the steps going forward. And, believe me, there will be many.
I had worked in elder law and should have known better than to wait so long. At least I knew enough to know I needed advice from an elder law attorney.
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Although my Mother lives thousands of miles away. My Aunt lived in NYC which is a few hours away from me. She had no children. She had a heart attack. Luckily a good samaritan noticed something wrong and got her help right away but she had done nothing to prepare for her old age not even sign up for Medicare! I ended going back and forth on the train. I will probably let things go on as they are until my niece throws in the towel. Cowardly, I know, but I am being honest! Conservatorship-guardianships are not so easily overturned, primarily because the persons become wards of the court.
8 Expert Tips for When Aging Parents Won't Listen
No, these situations are not always rational. So what will you do? Give in to your mother because you fear enmity? Or do what is best for her. My Mother does something similar but to my niece who lives with her. She makes up stories of abuse. Social Services has confirmed they are not true. I live in another state. Her only answer is for me to leave my home and children and move to Fla to take care of her instead. Which is just unreasonable. I offered to move her in with me when she was more mobile but she has now reached a stage where that is just impossble since she is unable to get out of bed on her own, go to the bathroom on her own or climb steps.
I am not really able to lift her either since I have Lupus. It is wearing down my niece and I am at my wits end. I can understand wanting to stay in your home but not at the expense of everyone around you. Can you imagine the feelings of enmity that would result? My Mother refuses to give anyone power of attorney and those can be revoked anyway. This is truly a drastic suggestion. Sometimes one has no choice. Children and grandchildren can only do so much. Take it from someone who knows. Her children caring for her may not be in her best interests. Absent appropriate powers of attorney a conservatorship-guardianship may be the last resort.
But would anyone want to do that to their parents? I know my Mother who can not care for herself physically in any way needs nursing care but will not hear of it. She says they will kill her in a nursing home. I think we give too much credence to autonomy. I disagree with the idea that parents need to be encouraged in their autonomy, especially on ill women taking their demented husbands overseas, twice, and having to be brought back twice. When parents stop acting like adults it may not be time to start treating them like kids, but acting as if they have complete freedom to make life threatening decisions because they refuse to accept their reality seems like a bad old crop from Suburbia that needs to be turned under and forgotten.
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences and that information with us, Beatrice. We will be thinking of you and your mother and are wishing you both the best on this journey. My mom also suffered the same behaviours when sundowning. She would open her passenger door while on the freeway, break down doors, etc. The satisfaction for them is in doing what they set out to do. After trying several different MDs, each with their own ideas about what dementia is, we were fortunate to finally find the right one.
This MD put my mother on Zoloft, which alleviated the sundowning. Because yes, sometimes it IS very similar to dealing with a stubborn child, since reasoning will not work. My mother is no longer aware of her limitations. I do treat my mother most of the time as the amazing woman she is and has always been.
I have to keep the doors locked and hide the keys over the night in order to prevent her from getting out and away alone. Or when out of the blue she gets very, very aggressive and starts loudly cursing at me or — worse — at workers at a grocery store. More than once she made cashiers cry after loudly accusing them of stealing change from her. My mother has always been very independent, controlling and dominant, so her current situation is indeed heartbreaking to all of us and it seems to be a full blown augmentation of what was already there.
Your right, totally unrealistic advice. I certainly would not have helped them twice. You get caught between they are an adult and they act like a child. I would take my mom to a store and we would have an agreement as to how long she could stay there. When it was time to leave, she would refuse. The police would have been called. My mother would not have thought of the consequences to me of doing this. She had multiple warnings from me that her behavior would result in me not agreeing to take her to any store. Once I got her out of the store, I told her I was never taking her to the store again—and I kept my word.
Former drivers will usually accept that they cannot drive once a license has been revoked. Borrow it and never give it back? This method will not work. She demands to drive. She will hound me for that car. I do appreciate your advice thank you. Is there anyway that we can protect my husband and I from my parents poor decisions in the very near future?
For example, someone gets killed while one of them is driving. Or whatever…Should my father put something down in writing absolving us of any responsibility due to them saying that they are caring for themselves and not us? Just watching my aunt with dementia go down hill is making this all to real. Both my parents are fairly independent and still get around quite well. But my mother has dementia with a terrible short term memory and some cognitive decline.
And her caregiver is my father who is a borderline diabetic with terrible blood sugar swings. He still likes to drink his martinis and wine each night. I have kindly made suggestions to help my father…and have mentioned that he take breaks from Mom at times. My mother if left on her own would need help reminding her to take her medications. It is what it is right? My sister is down south and is helping with the care of her in laws who are way worse than my parents, physically.
I worry about them and see that they are struggling and are doing their best given the situation with my husband and I. Someday soon, I can foresee my dad burning out and then asking for part time help to come in and help with cooking and cleaning. They are on a tight budget…. I just pray that nothing bad happens to them. This is what my cousin did for my aunt who has severe dementia. I looked after my Mom for 15 long years, as an only child I had no help.
I found thee first week that by taking time and sitting down and talking to her we worked everything out. Being high handed and nasty would have made those 15 years hell.
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Just remember you are going to be old one day too. Karma is really miserable. I am so sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation, except that it was a very close brother who died. Right when he was dying, my mother had several cerebral strokes that left her with vascular dementia. She needs round-the clock care: I could not believe this man. To make a long story short, I was never able to grieve the loss of my beloved brother. I MOVED … to their house, so as not to uproot elderly folks in their 80s … from NYC to the Caribbean, giving away my furniture, winter clothing, and just everything, including my independence.
I love my mother and do not want to leave her because she will be the one to lose out. I cannot bear the thought of my beautiful mother being with strangers, where I know she will not thrive, but deteriorate. You are present and no one can ask you to do more. Especially so after your own personal loss. Everyone has differing circumstances … family, property, careers. But this too shall pass; nothing is forever. On the other hand, my mother is very appreciative and a joy to be around. I hang on for her.
And we were supposed to be that ONE in ten families who makes it through this intact! My father is livid but that was his choice.
Dad or Mom Won’t Take Your Advice: Now What?
I will now begin to totally ignore his geriatric temper tantrums. I am here for my mom, which he was all too intent on discarding like an old rag. Needless to say, he never earned my devotion. Hang in there, do what you can, and never feel guilty about your choices. You are present and that is enough. Assisted living sounds like the right avenue for your mom. Try visiting a few places with your mom. If she has a friend or family member already in assisted living, they may be able to convince her to join that community.
Knowing someone there will help ease the stress of moving. If you are not legally tied to her no shared bank accounts, property, etc. I suggest walking away for a while—long enough that she can see for herself that she needs help. You have your own life and health to think about!!! She could just as well choose to be reasonable unless there are underlying reasons for her behavior if she is as healthy as you say she is and she is choosing not to be.
I say let her reap what she is sowing and walk away. If your siblings give you trouble, tell them they are welcome to take care of her. I work across the street from her house. I check on her before work, have lunch with her, and provide or take her out to eat for the evening meal. She refuses to consider Assisted Living. To date, I have no solution! Oh my god, my case almost exactly.
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What have you done to get help?? Also I just now see below geriatric care manager. I am going to look into that tomorrow. Please email me at laidebug76 hotmail to give me more specific advice please. Kate, i wonder if you have advice for helping me with my resistant declining mother. I need help and have a resistant elderly mother making bad decisions.
Help me someone with more specific advice please. Who to go to to help me with helping her and helping me cope with her resistance. My email address is laidebug76 hotmail. She is only 71 and in perfect physical health with the exception of her AAA which she has refused to repair. She is mean, spiteful, bitter, angry, and lies. She said I am responsible for caring for her along with her home, car, yard etc. Oh and I have a disabling health condition and the dr has told her she should be helping me!
Grandchildren refuse to talk to her and the rest of the family avoid her. This last week has been a nightmare because she was briefly hospitalized with pneumonia and Drs were calling me constantly because she was refusing treatment. I do not like my mother and do my best to stay away from her. I must be nuts. Please make the appt for a physical for him. Someone has to be present to request a mini mental status exam. Otherwise, the cognitive decline can go undetected with patient confabulation. Perhaps your husband can speak with him and reassure him that he is loved and that no one has any intention of institutionalizing him.
He also needs to complete a mandatory advanced directive under the heathcare reform. This is a medicare requirement and allows patients to express their wishes for end of life care. He has dementia, and she mother in law has some kind of personality disorder that causes her to need to be in control of everything. My FIL did make an appointment for himself last Sunday called the doctor at home , then cancelled it on Monday.
My husband would gladly take him to the doctor if he would just agree to go! My husband has made it clear that his dad can stay at home for as long as he wants to, but if my MIL is telling him he will be committed to a facility, then he will be too paranoid to go. Also seem to want the POA. Attorney said that we could be held financially responsible, and his doctor was making sure to cover all bases so that he would not be sued either.
This just shows what you are up against if you must get someone off the road. You have another option. As an attorney you know or should know that one can petition the court for appointment as conservator and guardian. Upon appointment as guardian and conservator you will have authority to make parents do the right thing. You will have authority to make medical and financial decisions for parents. Have I ever had an experience where my mother DID listen? Even as far back as when I still lived at home and she decided to paint the bedrooms.
It was painted pink. My mother has been mentally ill for years and years. I have other responsibilities that are more important than enabling a stubborn old woman who will not listen to reason. My mother has the means to just buy another car and threatened to do it, when we first took her keys.
She is now driving again. It seems at this point that our hands are tied. She is still driving, she lives unsafely at home, was in the nursing home for rehab, but went home because they said we cannot force her to stay there.
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She has been a hoarder and her home is not fit for someone to come in and help. I certainly can let her be unsafe; I have no choice. She has always been difficult and hateful to me. At this point, I have nearly cut off contact with her. She tells everyone she is fine and can take care of herself, so I say let her do it! Mary, this is a very difficult situation, but definitely NOT your responsibility. I hate that the hospitals, rehabs, social workers try to always pin the responsibility on ANY family member that can be made to feel guilty enough.
You are NOT responsible for either of your parents unless you have been named their legal guardian by court order. You have a right to tell the rehab center that you are NOT available and that you live 65 miles away. Force them to do their jobs by making yourself unavailable. This same scenario happened with my niece. She was constantly being pushed to sign papers and nothing was ever done without her signoff.
She was very stressed and 9 months pregnant when the hospital began insisting she sign a DNR for him. What did the hospital do? They released him, without her knowledge or signature. He died alone in his home that night. She found out three days later when she went to visit him in the hospital. I tell you this story so you know to avoid the bureaucratic nonsense. Make these folks do their jobs and do not feel guilty about it. You can have both your parents placed in the same nursing home. Speak with their MDs about making this move.
Your lives will be less stressful. They also have a hotline you can call … You are not alone.
My mom has dementia and dad has had several falls as his legs are very weak. He is coming out of rehab yet again. I was told this time that if I left them alone that I would be put in jail. My dad has all his wits about him and he insists that him and mom are ok without help. I go up several times a week a 65 mile drive one way and take him shopping, bank, hair cut, etc. I also cook for them. I also had knee replacment surgery and have many health issues so taking care of mom and dad is so hard anymore.
I am so resentful and feel guilty about this. I have had all kinds of nurses, therapists, etc come in and they are fired by dad. What am I to do. I am so worn out. His wife has no right to bar him from seeking medical treatment. What happened two years ago? Did either of them receive a perceiveably negative diagnosis? His body is his responsibility. Please help him get the medical treatment he needs. I have a somewhat different issue. Neither of them have seen their general doctor in 2 years, and my father in law wants to go because he is having problems with his ulcer.
Except that they drag everyone in the family down with them and make life hell. And sometimes there is only 1 child, or two to try and take care of both parents. My heart goes out to everyone trying to do the right thing not just for their parents but for society at large. The system as is is awful and the toll it takes on everyone is only going to escalate as the boomers age.
We did this with my mother and got her off the road. She was turning left on red lights…. Putting other people in danger. No matter how many times we spoke with them about it, they refused so we played hardball. Felt like s—t but the right thing to do. If these parents were 40years old, no one would be putting up with this nonsense more than once. This advice is very unrealistic. It is difficult to have someone who is legally an adult, but who society and possibly the law says you have to rescue because otherwise you are accused of neglect.
Sally, this is all too familiar. Just this morning, I shared more of my story here: Used it to discuss these type issues with my daughter my only child. What kind of unlimited cash pool do they have in that family? As a lawyer certainly you would know or should know of attorneys who specialize in elder law. Your siblings could contest your petition and it could wreck your relationship with them going forward. But at least you will have taken a good first step toward stopping your father from being a danger to himself and, worse, others.
IMO that overrides your relationship with your siblings. They then send the person in question a letter stating that they need to pass 3 requirements: I am so sorry. This is a horrible place to be in. I have lost precious time with my kids waiting on an inveterate liar who creates chaos for kicks, then tunes everything out to watch TV. Tan, my father is one of those with a vile personality and I can totally relate. Life has changed and his wife is ill, but he refuses to accept that.
He retaliates with geriatric temper tantrums. What father does that? As his daughter, it hurts me that he treats me like the enemy because I refuse to cater to his whims. I believe he has his own form of dementia. My mother is a joy in comparison, even with her occasional demented beligerent behavior. I am struggling to remain strong emotionally, spiritually, physically for my mother. She is doing so well and is very stable. I have thought of leaving, but I know my mother would quickly deteriorate … she loses.
This is ridiculous advice. Not all aged parents are victims of disease. Some have personality disorders, or just bad character, that worsen with time and they are content to use and torment their adult children. I bet it was easy for Dr. Kane to make this statement. It is much harder for a lot of people to work that into the day to day battles with people who you care about but who act like your enemies. This causes confusion for persons living with cognitive decline. Your mom will likely feel displaced. Your mom has to be on-board and believe it was her decision to move. We have a piece of land here where we can put a trailer home where you and Dad can live.
Remember, they are not children and will quickly pick up on negativity. The very thought can be overwhelming. Definately speak with an attorney. If your husband has a durable POA, he can purchase a trailer as a primary home for your dad and mom. The point is it will be used to provide care in lieu of a nursing home. The other property can then be sold and funds added to the estate. As a final note, we should all downsize our accumulation of stuff as we reach retirement. We should just unclutter our lives and accept that one day we will all likely need help from our children. The effects may slow the person down initially, but that tapers off in abour a week or two.
His mom is resentful of what their lives have become. Mom has lost another 5 lbs and both of them are so thin. Neither one of them can afford to lose any weight. Mom is very controlling of Dad. Was like that in earlier years too but its definitely worse. Its getting to a point where we need to do something else and going into a retirement home with care is so expensive.
Also, check out a few of the annual great quote roundups I've put together the last couple of years: That can be your greatest strength and ensure that you do things differently from everyone else. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them. You just keep pushing. I made every mistake that could be made. But I just kept pushing. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits.
Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny. I never gave or took any excuse. If you stay positive, good things and good people will be drawn to you. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Giving up is what makes it permanent. Wayne Mackey Jason Gray-Stanford Randall Armstrong Shauna Johannesen Sheila Armstrong William MacDonald Sheriff Caldwell Harrison Houde Bobby Coker Aren Buchholz Brenda Woodworth Reilly Jacob Dusty Dewitt Jaiven Natt Edit Storyline After suspecting that their police officer neighbor is a serial killer, a group of teenage friends spend their summer spying on him and gathering evidence, but as they get closer to discovering the truth, things get dangerous.
Edit Details Official Sites: Official Facebook Official Twitter. Edit Did You Know? Trivia When Davey cleans his closet, just before finding the G. Goofs A maroon-coloured Chevrolet Caprice parked on the street is a model. Caprice receives the composite headlamps for model year. Even serial killers live next door to somebody. Tough pill to swallow, I know, but it's true. If I've learned anything, it's that people hardly ever let you know who they really are. Just past the manicured lawns and friendly waves, inside any house, even the one next door, anything could be happening and you'd never know.