We mark other rites of passage like graduations, marriages, births, retirements, etc. Being the youngest of my family, I only knew my grandparents in their later years, not long before their deaths, so I only knew one facet of them. I learned so much about my grandmother at her funeral from the stories of those who knew her at different stages of her life, and who knew her as something other than my grandmother.
Some 25 years later, I still remember them, and they are dear to me. Grandmother started the first kindergarten in the small town where I was raised and taught elementary children for some 4 decades. I heard stories from those who knew her as friend, devoted member of civic organizations, beloved childhood teacher, massive fundraiser for cancer research, member of a faith community who mentored and encouraged young clergy, and so much more. It soothed me then, and does so now, to know these things about her. Rituals do even more. Suffice it to say that we need the time and space of rituals to give us room to grieve collectively and receive support without being shamed, squelched, or hurried up in any way.
I believe the two are not mutually exclusive, and will speak to the way to balance these two needs in a later post as well. We need to gather, give and receive support, share stories, give ourselves and each other permission to share our emotions, look back on what was and re-story a new relationship with the one who is no longer there.
How we go about doing that is both an art and a science. Through her Carla Cheatham Consulting Group, Carla provides training and consulting for professional caregivers nationwide. She is the author of Hospice Whispers: Her next book, On Showing Up with Suffering: As hospice and palliative care matures as a field, we will naturally face growing pains, which can be traumatic for the patients and families who fall through our cracks.
As hospice and palliative care grows as a professional field, we face the same growing pains and challenges of any other industry in its relatively early years:. As big fish swallow up little fish and the industry becomes increasingly corporate we get the advantage of huge well-oiled machines with resources and systems along with the challenge of figuring out how to keep creativity, personalized and hands-on care, and the mom-and-pop family feel that keeps the hospice heart in our agencies. When they wake from one, we teach them to decide as quickly as possible how they wish the story had ended, instead.
For instance, instead of catching them, the monster chasing them turns into a cute puppy and they sit down and play with it. They visualize what they wanted to happen and claim that new story rather than perseverate on the nightmare and wear that grove even more deeply into their brains. Re-storying as a way of creating new meaning is a powerful tool in therapy and also in working with grief. Meaning-making can be one way we way of transforming the proverbial lemons into something life-giving, not to deny what happened or try to pretty it up, but to not allow the tragic be the end of the story.
A woman whose son drowned in a lake now devotes her life to raising awareness about the high rates of deaths in dark waters and the need for life jackets. Adult children of parents who die of dementia become some of our most fierce and effective advocates for research and higher-quality care. We can make a tremendous difference if we push for greater education about end of life care in medical and nursing schools, social work programs, seminaries, and nurse aid training.
We can demand that legislation support rather than inhibit quality medical care and palliative support. There are numerous ways all of us can help that happen. Ira Byock wrote a great opinion piece a couple of years ago in The New York Times that speaks to this very issue. We can accuse and blame, we can get defensive and make excuses, or we can use our energy of frustration and anger to make things better.
Together, we CAN make things different. As a hospice chaplain, bereavement counselor, and collector and teller of stories, I hear a lot of awful ones about bad deaths, made much more traumatic by the fact that they need not have been, for anyone involved. It drives us nuts when it happens. Without meaning to, we deflect their very real experience and lingering pain caused by a complicated death when we do that.
Quotes on Grief
We humans do this. Certainly, there are a LOT of misunderstandings lay persons sometimes have about the dying process that can play into this whole dynamic:. A lack of education and emotional support that allows families to be misinformed in these ways can be just as traumatic, and is just as much our responsibility, as actual service failures.
I so wish folks had shown up better for all of you, in the way you deserved. We must be honest that failures do happen in our field. We screw up, we have service failures. Poorly-trained, poorly equipped, and flat-out dysfunctional teams that have no business being in business DO exist. Yes, they are the exception and not the rule, but to deny their existence is to deserve the loss of our halo. For the dedicated men and women who are hospice and palliative professionals, or other healthcare providers, our halo is not gone just because some of our colleagues, and even we at times, fail to get it right by omission or commission.
It may have slipped, gotten a little tarnish over time, and be in need of repair, but we are still hospice angels in the best possible way who bring peace and comfort and quality of life and death to millions of persons across the globe. With continued vigilance and effort, we will only get better with time and industry maturity, so long as we do not lose our hope or our incredibly tenacity that would make Dame Saunders proud.
How often do you clean your house before someone comes to visit? In fact, I often joke that I pay her not so much to clean my house but to keep me accountable for decluttering and putting things away. We do something similar when we share ourselves publicly. Even before walking out the door we shower or at least put on a baseball cap to cover our bedhead. When we share on social media, we cannot help but follow the same model. Some things stick with us.
How many of us hurt ourselves, with aching backs and restricted breathing, by walking around with a way too tensed up torso trying to hide that our muffin top exists? We put the best of our smiling lives out there for everyone we know to see. In fact, increasingly research tells us what many already instinctively know—comparing ourselves with what we see of our friends on Facebook can leave us feeling depressed.
Check out her incredible book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Of course we want to put our best foot forward. Of course we want to present our best selves. Shame holds us back from vulnerability and authenticity, and when we avoid these two things, letting people around us know how we are really REALLY doing, we rob ourselves of the support we need and deserve during tough times.
Certainly there is great wisdom in carefully choosing to whom we bare our soul or expose our belly. We protect ourselves, out of deep wisdom, from sharing our tender selves with those who have not yet earned that sacred right. Each of us has our own story about trusting the wrong person and winding up on the receiving end of their own deer-in-the-headlights abandonment, judgment, shame, or other betrayal.
We are allowed to be judicious with our sharing and protective of our grief process. We MUST be mindful about whom we invite into our shrunken and shaken world when in the midst of acute grief. Real bravery in grief is to feel it, experience it, express it, and let it be what it needs to be without fear of shame and without judging ourselves.
Let them wrestle with their own misguided beliefs about how grief is supposed to act. Let them face their own internalized shame about expressing what get labeled as negative emotions. Find safe places to let your grief be seen, really witnessed, and cared for. Sniff out the people in your circles who get it and are able to sit with their own discomfort well enough to be with you lovingly in yours. She also writes beautifully about the role a dedicated meditation practice has had in the last several years in significantly improving her depression and ability to manage it in her book Sit, Stay, Heal.
During one of these recent bouts she shared daily on social media, she noted that some were really worried about her and wanting to fix her pain rather than let her be with it, experiencing and caring for it as she needed to. Silenced grief can sometimes be just as or even more destructive than the original source of our pain itself. We have to lift the veil and help teach each other that grief need not be prettied up, hurried up, airbrushed, edited, or silenced. There is no shame in grief.
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- So There I Was...: My hospital adventures.
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- 64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief.
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For each of you who takes the brave step of letting your grief be seen, thank you for giving others of us permission to be real and give our grief the space it needs to breathe and move, and find healing over time. Read more about coping with and owning your grief in Sharing Our Stories: Creatively Holding Onto Memories. Each one had a story, of the 42 years she had with him until 3 years before, and of their 4 kids and 8 grandkids. My friend was exhausted from long weeks at the hospital until the doctors said it was time to go home with hospice care, but she was determined to get the tree up for her mom.
As her mom slept off the ambulance ride home in the next room, with a baby monitor on her bedside table, my friend directed us in putting together the tree, covering it with twinkling lights, and making sure the favorite ornaments were front and center. The durable medical equipment company arrived and set up the oxygen unit and other equipment in the living room, with the hospital bed sitting in the middle of all the activity, directly facing the tree.
After the nice young men left, we worked together to get her mom into the electric bed where she could be adjusted to both her comfort and that of those caring for her. She was too weak to do more than smile at the dazzling display in front of her, but her eyes caressed each story hanging from metal hooks and yarn loops and glistened with love and pride for those whom she loved.
She absorbed all of this with her eyes now closed, lifting her nose to catch wafts of freshly popped corn, dressing, spiral-sliced ham, and pumpkin pies brought and shared around her by family and friends. Three days later, more nice young me came in and carried her mom gently from her bed, as the family quietly wept and walked her out to the dark van. The medical equipment and unused supplies were packed and moved.
The bed went last. But the tree still stood. Her beloved had an idea, and invited our help. From a box in the attic, construction paper hearts cut carefully by small pairs of stubbed scissors and two generations of tiny hands over the course of 40 years came down. Macaroni necklaces on red yarn, and other valentines, found their way to dangle amongst the twinkling lights of the tree. We carefully wrapped Christmas on February 13 th , putting the boxes not too far away just in case this was too much, too soon.
Too full of emotion to speak, her eyes caressed each story hanging from metal hooks and yarn loops and glistened with love and pride for the memories of the mom whom she loved. For a full year, family and friends in various groupings would come take part in this ritual of re-decorating the tree for holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays.
With each one, there was more laughter, fewer tears. And it was all perfect. This is a month-long series to support persons grieving and those who love them. As this 31 Day series draws to a close, I want to say a bit more about the intersection between Trauma and Grief.
Grief related to loss is an expected part of our lives. We know that we and others age and that changes will come, including the death of others and even our own. Trauma is not something we naturally expect. Traumatic experiences or events that cause physical or emotional harm can overwhelm our capacity to cope and the effects can be lasting, leaving us terrified and feeling vulnerable, powerless, and unavoidably distracted. Some grief experts believe that all loss results not only in grief but also trauma, as the loss is traumatic in and of itself.
Therefore, not all grief will contain trauma but some grief could be traumatic. More agreement exists that the experience of trauma will naturally result in grief in addition to traumatic distress. Trauma often involves a lack of trust, safety, feelings of normalcy, and it challenges our existential beliefs about how the world should be. Those losses contribute to grief that must be mourned in addition to the trauma from which the person must recover.
Therefore, most agree that all trauma involves some form of grief. Teasing out the relationship between trauma and grief is important because the treatment interventions differ between the two. When both are present, the key is determining how to treat both and in what order. In some cases, treating the severe distress of trauma must come first so the person can feel safe enough to do any further work.
There seems to come a point, however, when the person must grieve the losses resulting from the trauma before they can let go and continue healing. I spent a great deal of time healing from a traumatic event and was doing pretty well, but then deep grief arose to which I had to attend. I want to also add that after you move on, she may feel that her arms are empty. My son and his wife buried their newborn baby this past June. We knew she was going to die when she was born as she had no lungs. She lived for about an hour. Their arms feel empty, They are incomplete until they all will be together again.
I believe that you will still be you beyond the veil and that the veil is very thin. Cross with nothing left unsaid. That is your greatest gift to them. My brother, the computer guy, is setting up the auto-good bye message for me. Take Care and Go Red Sox! My Grandfather thought they would never win! If there is an afterlife, to see my beloved grandfather again would be so great! Still, is there anyone there who can tell me how to stop my mother from crying?
I realize that I am now making this about me. She, and my father, are the ones that have to deal with the aftermath. Yet, I can not stand it anymore! He was elderly and his health was failing. He died in his own home on his own terms. And that only made me feel guilty. That you would never thought that families would break apart. Other children make you feel like your nothing and splits the whole family by taking sides.
Fighting all the time. I lost my mom and 15 year old dog within a month of each other this year. All of these people promised to be there for me and to help me. She was my best friend and my eveverything. I have three girls and I gave birth to my third girl less then 12 hours after her funeral. I never thought I could make it a day without her and yet here I am. My advice to you is screw your family. They will never understand what your going through.
Live in honor of your mom. Choose to forgive them and move on from the hate and anger. I learned that when my dad passed 6 years ago. I had so much anger and hurt. People suck sometimes and no on has been there for me they way I was there for them. Guess what their loss! We have everything we need to deal with the death of our moms. Just reach down inside you and make a promise to be everything you can be to make her proud and yourself proud. Smile and rejoice and give honor to her.
She would love that. For me; loss of my spouse is more painful than any other loss of a relative or pet that I have had to endure. The pain is so deep. I just lost my best friend and husband of 48 years. Today swimming in tears. I feel so utterly alone and unsure of what to do. I am trying to somehow get back into feeling normal, but maybe I never will. I have no appetite for travelling, visiting, nothing…. Thank you all for sharing…. Death sucks the life out of the survivors. Life is difficult but keep breathing and smiling. I once was in your situation, almost moved to another province, but it didnt work out Thank God Now I realize, nothing else matters, live life for the minute.
Maybe you made a mistake by moving, but it is only a mistake. You will get through this but it takes time…yes lots of time…there is no rush. Keep breathing… Yoga helps but believe me with each passing day…life gets better. I know you can do it. The self-punishment is just too much to bear at times. When she lived with me, she was abusive, she kicked me, threatened to burn down my house, kill my dog, broke windows and sold my electronics.
Life has no undo button but I keep thinking what could have been different, had I stayed. How do I get through every day? I feel just trashed, no good for anything. I know how you feel! My Son died of and OD that then as soon as he was taken off life support and hooked up to morphine like your putting down an animal after they gave me his Mom that decision to make!
He had been in jail and had only been out less than 27 hours but He had had a problem with Pain Pills and other things before but it was on and off until the Pain Pills that he started that was prescribed by a Doctor for his surgery on his shoulder but I know that rage when they are high and how painful it is! Any pain and anguished that you know from that completely is gone when you are holding your dying Child and so Much Pain Your Heart is about to explode out of your chest and you start the nightmare that never goes away!
Seemed like every time I was trying to do better someone or something brought me right back to almost where was! Add this one to the list. All those people who said: Call me if there is anything you need. I want to help. But most do not. The ones who mean it will help you. You will think that they probably are saying yes, just out of embarrassment. So things to do pile on. You feel helpless and paralized. You will feel worse in the night when it all gets quiet. You may have trouble falling asleep and also getting out of bed.
Your grief will physically hurt. Your stomach will hurt. Your chest will hurt. The lump in your throat will hurt. And your head may feel like your brain is swollen. Pack it up, store it and when you are ready, let some of it go and keep a few representative things of their life. I kept a crystal bowl my mom took to parties filled with her popular fruit ambrosia.
She was a good cook. Gave away stuff that was not my taste and obviously will never wear. I kept one really nice, tasteful blanket. Giving away her clothes was as if she died again. It will come back to bite you. It has a life of its own and you have to respect it. You must allow yourself to pass through it from time to time. I struggled with my husbands stuff and I still do. He was just a person who enjoyed doing stuff so he collected the stuff he enjoyed.
So my basement was filled with boxes of our life together. I did get rid of the things I nagged him about, but everything else lived in boxes. So I have recently started to open some boxes most of my stuff and pack some things to Good will. So I decided to find the rare pictures that have me and him having fun at the same time and make a little memory board that I can look at every now and them.
I am sorry for your loss, I am not sure when it will get better, but I hope we can all maintain. He was malnutrition bad and they turned the horse into a grand champion over the years they had him. Then THEY lost their mother from a long battle of cancer. It hit my brother his wife and their son very hard. Then our family was struck again with our nephew. He was in a horrific car accident after 10pm. In his honor he chose to be an organ donor so others could live on if he could not.
After trying to put some pieces back together in our family. My brother and his wife AGAIN were hit almost 4 months later that their brother passed away unexpectedly. Or say to make things any better. We were going numb. We were wrong again. Our family once again learned that our family had more devastating news that we never wanted to hear. My brother and his wife of over 21 years. Who just lost their horse who was like a child to them.
Who just lost Their mother who was one of the greatest people you could ever meet. Who just lost their only son together at just 25 years old. Who just lost their brother very unexpectedly. To finding out my brothers wife was diagnosed with rare myeloma and their is no cure. Although she could have many years to live with managed treatments. Today marks 1 year of their son and my nephew passing away. And no matter what we grieve everyday. Some days are very hard and others are harder. What we do know is that through all of the loss our family had within a year.
The one we grieve most is their son who was only 25 and my nephew. Nobody has figured out how to move on. Our only hope right now is that their son and our nephew will watch over his mom and Dad and give us a miracle and keep his mom around for the next 50 years ATLEAST so my brother will be able to keep the love of his life around him since everyone else has been taken so suddenly.. I lost my husband, the love of my life, days ago. He had a multitude of health problems and was sick for a long time.
He was in hospice 18 months. We were married 30 years.
Obviously I knew when his time was getting short, and I thought I was prepared for his death as I was tired of seeing him suffer. I miss him so much and grieve constantly. I miss his voice. I read your letter and can I ever relate. I too lost my husband of 47 years just 8 months ago. We too went through a very long illness cancer. He was sick for 18 months as well.
I too was so sad and tired of watching him suffer. I too thought I was ready to release him to God so he would be free of all he was going through. So hard to watch. I would have cared for him the rest of my life just to have him here. When your life partner dies and you are left behind, you are missing your other half. You become lost and so alone. They call it separation anxiety. There are so many things to go through emotionally. Such a long hard journey. You wonder if this will ever end.
I feel for all your going through. There is nothing worse than child loss and it happened to me 2x. I am been through tremendous loss in my life, but nothing compares to losing a child. I guess I am cold now to any other person because my children were taken.
When an old person dies, there should be no grief, period. Yes, I have been through that so I know what I am talking about. I was so sorry to read your post. We lost my brother when he was 37 years ago. She did nothing else. I took care of her until the last five years and she passed at It was not fair.
I am so sorry and wish there was something that I could do to ease your pain. That pain never went away for my mom or the rest of my family. Prayers are with you regarding you and your children. Is it because they had a long life compared to a child or young person that dies? We miss our parents, we loved them. My mom died in May. He passed 22nd Jan My family was very close up until mom died. Thursday 24 May I was off work because I was writing exams. I wanted to visit mom because she lived 20 mins away but I told myself that preparing for my exams was more important.
I called her and she told me she was eating then dropped the call on me. My sister who lived with my mom sent me a message at 6pm that evening saying my mom had a stroke. I rushed to the hospital to be with her. During the CT scan they made me pin her down even though she was in so much pain. The monday the doctor told us my mom was fine and that she would be discharged. There was nothing wrong with her. We took her for all her check ups prior to the stroke.
A week later Thursday, 31st May my mom died. They said she was coming home. They said she was fine.
April 1992 General Conference
My mom was not ill so why. I lost my father and mother within 10 months of each other also. It was a horrible experience and continues to be a horrible feeling. I try to make it everyday and am making some progress but it hurts so bad. I was 57 yrs old and still cry like a baby. Try to make time to go through the grieving process of shock, disbelief, anger etc.
Miss them so much!!!! I lost both of my parents within 14 months. My mother died April 30, and my Daddy died July 1, Thank you so much for this post. Losing my dad December 1, , I never knew how hard my heart would continue to break. I miss what our future was to hold, sharing memories with my boys. Nothing can prepare you for the loneliness of grief. I avoid most get togethers and holidays due to sadness. I hate those that have parents even thought I still have and cherish my mom. The emptiness never goes away. I think these are all awesome and spot on. I lost my wonderful soulmate -best friend-lover of 37 years marriage and 44 years of love from first sight this August 9th.
She had stage 4 lung cancer that spread t her brain. We were downstate NY for it and we had to wait another week to leave and come home upstate to Buffalo where we had just moved into our retirement home, So yes we only got 2 months of retirement starting March. We bought our dream home- to have 20 or so Golden years- our time for the good life. But the grief is never ending- the regrets- anger- denial all the stages hit at various moments-days-times- I can no longer enjoy the home that is now just a house or even better a tomb for me.
I too feel as if family has already moved on and forgot. I could be wrong but I dont know- I am so alone but nobody calls. My daughter tries and gets me to go with my grandchildren to events but its not the same- I just feel bad because my wife is missing these times she came up here to have- she lived for the time to be with the grandkids and she was robbed of it all in only 2 months after diagnosis she was gone! I came here to retire and live the good life and all I did was come up to bury her along with all our hopes and dreams.
I have now lost my past-present and future! I am 64 she was only 62 and now its all gone! Why not- you already took my life-now take it all-please. When I see morning sunlight it just awakens the pain all over again. But again all your points here hit the spot! I hear the hope in your words. I once was in your shoes. It takes a long time to work thru the healing process but it is worth it. Just keep going thru the motions, try to make the best of the day, see the beauty in being alive somehow. I know it sounds weird but it is the only way thru this.
I felt like I was walking 2 feet off the ground for the first 2 years and then I came back to earth…I didnt know it at the time but I do now…and now even though I still grieve my loss I am in control of my grief. I know what I am dealing with. Please try to keep going for your dear loved one. She only wants you to go foreward and enjoy all that life has to give. She is watching from above. All the Best, Gary! Many of us seem to be in the same boat. Who ever thought it would come to this. I yelled at some family members during the days after my husband died.
He lingered for twelve agonizing days in ICU before passing away on the operating table. Not even a phone call to see how I was doing.
I guess they will probably wait until hell freezes over! I learned some important things from this situation, however — family cannot always be counted on to be there for you in your darkest hour! And some family members are pitifully weak, selfish and ignorant when it comes to death and grieving!
They have no children, so I wonder, who will be there for them? I had two wonderful sons who made my grief much more bearable — but who will be there for these so-called family members of mine? I lost my mother three weeks ago to lung cancer she was I honestly feel I did most of my grieving whilst she was going downhill over the summer.
Love to you all. My father passed 10 years ago, and looking back as I get older I realize just how difficult it was to process. I had a complicated relationship with dad, and when he passed suddenly it deeply affected me. In the months following his passing, I wrote a song expressing the very feelings I had and complex grief I was enduring. I decided not too long ago to actually go in studio and get it professionally recorded.
My mother and father have both passed in the last three and a half years. My mother suffered with kidney,heart, and pain everywhere for 10 years. She became unconscious, on a ventilator and life support. They say the hearing is the last to go. I told her I would be alright because it was time for her to go to heaven and she had been sick long enough and that I lovedher and what a great human being she had been. I did not have to have them pull the plug. I think she was trying to hang on forme. After they pulled the ventilator she had a slight smile on her face.
I cried and rejoiced because she is in heaven. How do I know this.? They had to take it and she hemoridged. My dad was in the waiting room not knowing any thing was wrong. He was not mental. He saw a vision on the wall of my mother in a white gown walking up a dirt road. He saw the pearly gates and Saint Petey. Me and our 4 kids need her. The doctor came out soon after and told my dad they pulled me out with forecepts and all her veins collapsed.
Another Dr came down the hall and said the biggest vein is in her foot and saved her. With my dad he had cancer. He got his final wave of energy and thought he was being healed. I didn,t have the heart to tell him this is part of dieting so I never got to say goodbye. Although I told my mother to tell him when she was dying. She was finalising the estate of her mum who died last November — she died the day she was due to fly home. Her burial was incredibly rapid — she died in the Monday and I was at her funeral on the Thursday. There is no rule book for grief and mourning- but a lot of the stuff on this list is right.
So many people gave me advice — alot of it was because they wanted to help. I wish someone had told me that people would rather avoid you than comfort you, and that most of your tears are shed alone. My GF died 8 weeks ago and it is by far the worst period of my life. Everything, everyplace reminds me of her. After 5 years of marriage I discovered that the man I love so much started acting funny and suddenly changed his password that he has been using over the years now and always keeping his phone to himself. He is always on calls and getting his phone off him is like trying to take a bone from a hungry dog.
I told my best friend about it and she told me about a particular hacker. This has been wonderful to read. I lost my rock, strength, my everything my husband on August 4, We have two wonderful boys. I try and not see me cry all the time. But they have been my rocks through a lot. Grief really changes you. He was 49 and it was sudden and out of the blue. I have to keep reliving that day, because I keep thinking he is going to show up.
It is a living nightmare everyday. Crying yourself to sleep every night, and waking up crying!!!! It was very sudden, being a car accident. Anyway, the knowing that you will never get to talk ever again ever. Knowing he will never come home and walk through the door ever aha is terrible. I have now started grieving for the next two closest people to me — my mom and my husband — even though there is not a single thing wrong with them, save for bad genetics. I have realized that anxiety is simply an impatient version of grief waiting for its cue to enter — and it is perpetually waiting in the wings for me.
Usually at the same time.
64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief
As an atheist with no children, I truly fear for what will become of me when the last two that I love the most are gone. What do I do with me? I have no faith to hold me here. No children to be obligated to care for. The last two people keeping me tethered to this world will likely die before me. I am certain I will not be able to find joy without them here. I will only be a burden to anyone who is left. My mom just passed away almost 2 weeks ago. She was 57 and battled stage 4 metastatic melanoma for 9 years. Little did I know this was the last text my mom was going to send me.
Crying in fact DOES come in waves and completely out of nowhere. I cried when I told her my goodbyes in the hospital, I cried when everyone said their goodbyes to her. I cried at the viewing and funeral, very little. Now i catch myself crying very little and very randomly over the smallest things.
I lost my mom on All my other siblings had the time to say their goodbyes and have their conversations but my niece and I were on duty. I made myself take a few moments alone to say my goodbyes but the other thing no one tells you is that the person you are caring for may become angry with their caregivers. Mom did and that could not be the furthest from who she was normally. I had been her primary care giver for her 6 year cancer battle, and it was an honor to be by her side. Though the last 2 weeks were different brutal really.
I relive that final 24 hours more than anyone knows. Not sure I will ever be able to let those go. Oh… Hospice… who knew how little help or guidance you really get from them. I sure as heck did not. Family feuds— from what i know now are not uncommon but lord are they unnecessary and horrible. I lost my beloved husband.
It comes out of no where. She found out May 10 four days after her birthday that she had pancreatic cancer that had spread to her liver. We were counting on chemo but she died the week she was supposed to start treatment. She took a major turn for the worse mainly because of acute liver failure and lived for only six more days after going to the hospital. I talked to her a lot and made her as comfortable as possible while she could still tell me what she needed. Not being able to talk back and forth with her was particularly sad because we had wonderful, heartwarming conversations over the years.
Like the loved ones dirty socks still lying in their bedroom floor or whenever you see their favorite candy. The biggest surprise for me was the physical aches and pain. The physical sickness I feel from grieving. It like the flu almost. But last much longer. My mother has only been gone 2 months but the waves keep pounding me. Sometimes, without even realizing it, you not only mourn the loss of a person, but you mourn the loss of a life you thought you were going to have.
My mom died a few months ago. We were very close even though we had a difficult relationship. My whole body aches. I recently lost my husband of 10 years. He died of hypertension just 2 days in hospital. He died 15 June ,I am still in shock. He left me I was 9 months pregnant and was due the following week he died. I could not do body viewing and I did not go to bury him. I have recently been blessed with a baby boy and I have 2 beautiful girls. T have lost my dad but death seem to be new. I have all the feelings and emotions you can think of,my world is upside down.
This is also a very good post which I really enjoyed reading. It is not every day that I have the possibility to see something like this.. With havin so much content do you ever run into any problems of plagorism or copyright infringement? Do you know any methods to help prevent content from being stolen? I definitely love reading everything that is written on your site. Keep the tips coming. I wish I had known how physical grief could be. I thought I had some kind of disease until I figured out it was literally the weight of the grief I was carrying. No one really understands how deeply we hurt for our loved ones, it makes you realize how alone you truly are.
I watch her videos almost every day, I touch her on the screen, wanting to feel her soft skin and warm breathe on my face, her smell….. She passed on March 19, , I held her in my arms on the way to the hospital and kissed her and told her I how much she meant to me and to our other family members, she brought them up, she nutured them and helped to make them whole. I told her that if she cannot breathe I will breathe for her. She is mine and I am hers and that will be forever.
Such a great list. I really appreciate with this. I will must share it to others and also to my facebook page. Thanks fo rthe sharing such a informative article. I lost my brother in law, Chance, more of a big brother less than a month ago. We were very close. I never knew I was going to feel crazy when Chance died.
I tune out the world and hear songs and his voice so clear like he is sitting right next to me. I still send him messages telling him about my day and how his daughter is doing. I miss him and I will love him forever. I do wish I would have let him stay in my house where he would have been safe guilt. I told a close friend that I intended to create a page on instagram directed to other males that very close to their mothers.
Itreally a great and useful piece of info. I am satisfied that you shared this useful info with us. Please stay us up to date like this. The dream always finds a way to rear its ugly head and you grieve it all over again. In 17 years, through guilt of being alive, I have systematically lost everything my beautiful husband and I worked so hard for, that I now have nothing. I ruined my relationship with my beautiful girls, and I am still so very lost. I wish my doctor had visited me after my husband died… or someone had put me somewhere for my own protection from myself, until I could cope.
I still cry everyday with grief for jom. I lost my son on June 24, I was devastated to say the least. That scared me because at that time I was doing good just to breathe. So maybe people should be careful on advice to a person who is in the beginning stages of grief. I was afraid that if I was never going to get better then I may have to be placed in an institution.
I know now logically what people meant but at that time I was not thinking logically. One day at a time and I manage to get out of bed, work and function. Just hold off on advice the first days afterwards. I lost my absent dad a few months ago. So when he died suddently I just feel like the restablishment of contact came too late, when things were just getting better he left this world. It feels like a cruel ending. She was very functional and we had a loving life. We had both acknowledged that I would outlive her, so should have been prepared?
No, sudden unexpected death of even a terminally ill person hurts terribly; maybe more so in the fact that we knew the end was nearer than we would have liked. People may mean well, but this is about YOU and what you need right now. It sounds like his toothbrush is important to leave where it is, so leave it, my dear. These responses really are as bad as we think they are. Let me assure you that there is nothing wrong with you at all, Dawn. Please find ways via the internet or other, to be with people who can support you, and listen instead of telling you what to do xxoo.
I am so sad for you that you believe you can do nothing about whatever wrongs you feel you may have done. I believe that you can do so, and I believe your wife already knows how much you love her, and the great sorrow you bear. John, have you heard anything about continuing bonds? While this is a problem, it also suggests a solution, as you can seek resolution through working to make amends to her, just as you would have in life. He passed away suddenly at 53 and since then, I feel completely lost. He is the first thing I remember when I wake up, and the last thing before I fall asleep.
I was crying all night and then I found this site accidentally. But I think the only thing that gets better with time is your emotional control in front of others. It still hurts so badly and you miss that person so much. English is not my first language, but I hope you will understand me and some could maybe find yourselves in my words and feelings.
Suddenly losing a beloved has not only the grief but the shock too. Losing my mom was an ongoing affair…years of sliding down the path of dementia. Outbursts, and her struggles to stay in control, could be intense, sometimes with her striking out. But there were times of exquisite sweetness; I slept with her several times, to keep her safe when my father was away. It always made her smile and the energy in our hearts would glow.
I sang her Sufi chants several nights a week, while she was in bed at the nursing home in her finally year, readying for sleep. These memories of loving more then, have sustained me in her loss. She is Always with me! For some of us, writing thank you notes and letters after a death and funeral or memorial event is part of the healing process. I wanted everyone to know how very much I and our son appreciated their caring thoughts and deeds. It is not always a cruel thing as stated in this list and is an incredibly personal decision whether to write them or not. As I read through these posts, my heart is broken for each one of you.
Our grief is so individual and so real. My fiance, the love of my life, my soulmate passed away suddenly on March 22nd. Like so many of you, we had so many beautiful memories and so many plans for the future. I find myself pretending to be okay. I go out to dinner with friends.
- sharing our stories :: Hospice Whispers;
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- The Day Jarod Met Jesus?
- The Chase is Better Than the Catch!
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I pretend that I am happy. I, too, have experienced this. I cling to the people who are there and who do their best to the best of their ability. So now I sit and I wait and I fear for the future. I know that I will never have another, I know that I will never love the way I loved this man. My heart is broken. They do not know. How can one be strong when half of her heart is missing, one of her lungs is gone, half of her soul and spirit are gone… And the other half that remains is so deeply wounded.
I do agree with all of the ideas you have presented in your post. They are really convincing and will certainly work. Still, the posts are too short for newbies. Could you please extend them a bit from next time? Thanks for the post. She was not diagnosed until weeks before she died. Im a ONLY child and Her 2nd husband passed in of a stoke and we did not know. We thuoght it was just a flu since he had flu like symptoms.
We missed the arm not being able to lift up. Im not even a Christian anymore and this person just keeps on saying this stuff and it does not help me. No it does not. I miss my mom everyday. Sometimes my days ate good. Mothers Day im with a friend and mother. And ppl expect you to be all gine and happy like nothing ever happened. May be if that person lost their brst friend and mother abd was her catetaker of 2 lsst years…. I lost the love of my life on January 26, he had turned 55 on Jan The dearest kindest man I have ever known. I was married to a Monster for twenty years then alone for 13 years before finally agreeing to date him hesitation being my strong suit.
I had four years , one and and half married to the best man anywhere before god took him home. I am so thankful for the people I grew up with it Oregon who truely understand. I feel changed, older, and have missed her since the moment my dad called to tell me. But it still feels unfair and too soon.
I want to talk to my friends about it, and I do to some extent, but the harder stuff.. I buried my best friend, soulmate, and husband of 28 years on March 5, He died two blocks from my worksite in a horrible car crash, coming to pick me up from work. He was only I was not allowed to see his body until the funeral service; the funeral director and my father said there was too much damage, I would regret seeing him like that.
My brother had the car towed away, our brand new sports car, and I never saw it. My dad and brother said it would be too traumatic. And everyone around me is pushing me to pack up his things. I cried for hours after having to wash the glass he left on his nightstand because it was growing mold. Has anyone else gotten angry at platitudes well-meaning people spout?
I visit the cemetery every day, and my brother told me I needed to stop doing that. Nobody understands the depths of my grief; he was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Will anything be right ever again? I wish someone had told me I would feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong puzzle. I also wish someone had warned me of this whole new culture of widowhood. Some wives act weird when I speak to to both wife and husband.
I am thankful for this post and appreciate all of the comments. They have helped me! I lost my Dad on 28 April I know he had been really ill but he seemed to be defying all medical people and just kept going. The next couple of weeks went by in a blur. When I finally got there I then became mediator between sisters and our mother who divorced Dad in I was always really close to Dad while my sister was closer to Mum I know they have always spent a lot of time together and I assume they still do.
I still miss Dad every day even though when he was alive we could go for weeks without speaking at least he was there at the end of a phone. I wish it was still that simple. My Mum had died at 32 with kidney disease…i was 9, my sister 2 and brother I became Mum…4 years later , living in a troubled N. We were rehoused about 3 miles away and I knew no one, Dad , bless him spent all his time working to keep us..
I wish that you could report spam comments. I enjoyed reading this list! Thank you for your time and effort you put into this! Its something I have never experienced in my life before and certainly a life changing experience. My Mother died four months ago now and I miss her so terribly. Although she was old and her death was inevitable, the loss and grief goes deep into the core of ones soul. We just had the funeral for Daddy 1 week ago a Saturday- Feb 24 He was barely I am the oldest of the 3 children- My dad died unexpectedly while in the shower- he had a Tonic Clonic seizure.
Among some other pieces of advice I will mention: I was at my DDS when my grandma called and told me. I was just about to get work done and letting novacain set in. I was all alone, feeling judged and hyperventilating. I had to have my husband come get me. So then I had to start the planning of the funeral.
I pretty much stayed awake from that Tuesday night til I crashed that Saturday evening. My Dad was my BBF. The first man who loved me, and adored me. We were so close that we would talk on the phone for hours times a week and constantly fb message. He ended up receiving over guests. He was much loved. He was a knockout-rockout musician of many instruments and sang better than any country singer, maybe only rivaling Garth Brooks. And he could rock the house, impressing the most bitter critic doing Skynyrd lead vocals and electric guitar.
Have barely cried since the funeral. But I know the thunder is rolling and the storm is due very soon. God bless each and every one of you. My husband died two years ago, it was his 38th bday. It was ruptured brain anuerysm, i only had 9 hours with him at the hospital. I was just 29 back then. Two years later, hid clothes are still hanging by the closet, his bathroom toiletries are at pur cabinet, some of his things are still neatly packed just they way that he had left it.