When Emmett spoke I thought my knees would give out on me. I'm sure Bella and Edward would love a chance to catch up a bit. What do you say? I noticed the ring on her finger — it was Edward's grandmother's ring, the one that should have been on my finger. As Emmett and Tori danced away, Edward and I stood awkwardly near each other, neither one knowing what to do. Sadly, in his arms was the one place I dreamed of being, and the one place I never thought I would get to go again.
He took my hand and pulled me towards him, curling his other arm around my waist, placing his hand on the small of my back. I put my hand on his shoulder, debating on whether or not to lean my head against his chest. He stepped closer to me and I could feel the line of his body against mine — his leg against my leg, his hip against my hip, his chest against my chest.
My heart beat rapidly, knowing that it was home, yet also knowing it couldn't stay there. We began to turn in slow circles, swaying with the music. The simple movements brought to mind a memory of the first time we had held each other like this. It was two months into my senior year and I had settled into Edward's house rather comfortably. The other roommates were very welcoming to me and Rose and I still got together every week for dinner. I was happy and actually enjoying the school year. As Homecoming approached, the house began to fill with chatter about the football game and the dance.
Everyone seemed to be going, with the exception of Edward and me. He was in his 2nd year of law school and didn't feel that it was right for him to go to the dance since he had gone each of his first four years there. He questioned me nonstop about why I wasn't going to the dance.
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It took several days of pestering before I finally broke down and told him that no one had asked me — that no one had ever asked me to go anywhere before. He seemed stunned by my words and muttered to himself that it wasn't possible. When the night of the dance approached, I happily saw off each of my roommates and their dates, somewhat looking forward to spending a nice, quiet night alone in the house. Jessica had tried to set Edward up with one her cheerleader friends, so I assumed that he would be taking her to the dance.
I was slightly taken aback when Edward walked through the front door, holding a bag full of Chinese take out, a 2 liter of my favorite soda, and several DVD's. He smiled at me, taking in my confused expression, and said, "Izzy, I can't bear the thought of you sitting home alone, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to spend an entire night with you all to myself. We spent the evening sitting on the living room floor, laughing at one of the movies Edward had rented, stuffing ourselves with Chinese food.
It was one of the greatest nights of my life up to that point, and had I known ahead of time how it would end, I never would have believed it. As the movie came to an end, the credits began to roll, accompanied by a beautiful love song. Edward quickly stood and offered me his hand. I looked at him like he was a crazy person and he softly said, "Iz, would you dance with me, please?
I stuttered and stammered through excuses before finally standing and taking his hand. He pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me and leaning his face down, burying it into my hair. We swayed to the music and after several minutes I realized the song had ended, but we were still dancing.
Edward must have noticed at the same time I did because he began humming the most amazing tune I had ever heard. I was swept away in the moment. I clung to him, never wanting to let go, flying at the feel of his body molding to mine. Each curve of my body seemed to fit perfectly in place against his; we were like two puzzle pieces made to go together. He raised his hands to brush some of my hair away from him face and then cupped my cheeks. As his thumbs ran over my cheekbones, I felt myself falling into his stare.
When he lowered his mouth to mine, my breath hitched, and I froze. I felt his lips move into a grin against my lips and he quietly whispered, "Izzy, is this okay? I was confused, how could he think it wasn't okay with me?
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He must have misinterpreted my response, so to make sure that didn't happen again I dug my fingers into his bronze hair and pulled him roughly to me. I kissed him with all the passion I had built up while watching him over the past two months, trying to show him how I felt about him. His hands grasped at my back, pulling at the edges of my t-shirt, bringing me even closer to him. I was on fire. Every inch of my body that touched him felt as though it was being burned by a raging forest fire, and like that same fire, I was out of control.
I knew there was no way I would be able to stop our sudden progression, and I didn't want to. My body craved him. I would push until he stopped me. I can't stop myself when I'm with you," I said breathlessly. He didn't stop me that night. He didn't stop me the next night or the next. For almost four years he didn't stop me. For almost four years I was on fire, raging with desire for him. I could never get enough.
I was happy, but I knew he wasn't. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't ever seem to make him feel the way I felt. I couldn't make him as happy as he made me, and it tore at my soul. As time went by he would often ask me, "Izzy, are you happy? It just wasn't true for him. As we danced around the hotel dance floor I was pulled away from my memories by the sound of his voice asking a familiar question, "Izzy, are you happy? Do you want me to lie to you? Because I will, if that's what you want. My lungs wanted me to tell him that they couldn't really breathe without him by my side.
My eyes betrayed me as they began to build up tears. My life ended that night you left me; you wouldn't even let me explain. After everything we had together, you said those things to me and just left. Why did you do that? How could I ever be happy when the last memory I have of us together is that night?
He looked at me with confusion in his eyes, as if I had said something wrong, as if we both didn't know what happened that night. There was nothing to explain that night; it just happened. I couldn't take things the way they were anymore, I couldn't keep living like that. I tried to help you Iz, for over two years I tried. It nearly killed me, it really did, but I couldn't do it anymore. You know I didn't mean the things I said, and I know you didn't mean the things you said, but I just had to get you away.
I saw the pain in his eyes as he slowed his swaying almost to a complete stop. His grasp on me had tightened, as if he was afraid to let go. I searched his face for any hint of hope, a sign that maybe he would forgive me and it wasn't too late for us. He sighed a loud breath and let go of me.
He took a step away from me and his eyes held so much hurt, I couldn't breathe. I can't stand here and watch this happen anymore. It's my fault and I've tried and tried to make things right, but I can't. You can't help someone who doesn't want your help. I had to let you go, I had to walk away from you Izzy, it broke my heart and I will never love anyone the way I love you, but I can't do this.
I'm so sorry I couldn't be stronger for you. You just broke me too many times Iz, I can't do it. He turned and quickly walked out of the room and into the hallway. I stood there on the dance floor, stunned. Was he trying to say the break up was my fault? Was he trying to lay the blame on me, when it was him who said all the horrible things that were screamed that night? How could he blame me? I raced after him, needing to know what he was thinking. I was desperate to have him in my arms again. I ached to feel his skin under my hands, his warm breath on my neck, his voice moaning my name, his body moving deep inside of mine.
I needed him, I knew I couldn't live another night without him. I ran from the room, not caring who or what was in my way. As I burst through the doors I looked frantically down the hallway towards the lobby, but he was not there. I felt a scream building deep in my gut, yearning to break free as my soul split in two. I spun around and saw him pacing at the other end of the hallway, running his hands through his hair the way he always did when he was upset.
I recalled the first time I had watched him pace this way. It was late in the afternoon on Christmas Eve. It was the first Christmas Edward and I were spending together. We had been dating officially for a few months and things were prefect; he was perfect. The house was empty since all of our roommates had gone home for the Christmas break. Edward's parents were in Europe for the holidays and my dad was working, so we had the house to ourselves.
I was excited to be cooking Christmas dinner for him and we had spent the better part of the week going over the menu, planning all our favorite foods. I returned from the grocery store, having battled my way through the crowds to pick up the last few things I needed, and was surprised to not find Edward anywhere in the house. His car was parked in the garage and it was too cold for him to have walked anywhere, so I knew he had to be around somewhere. I opened the back door, glancing out into the backyard and was surprised to see him pacing back and forth in front of the old swing set that sat on the far side of the yard.
He was running his hands through his hair and mumbling to himself. I feared the worst, something had to be wrong. I stepped out onto the porch, the door squeaking closed behind me. Edward looked up, his eyes meeting mine, and stopped mid stride. We stood staring at each other for several seconds before I finally walked towards him, worried about what he had to tell me. The look in his eyes was one that I hadn't seen before and I was scared.
Had he changed his mind about us? If he asked me to move out, where would I go? It was my last semester; would I still be able to finish school? I felt my hands start to shake and my breathing speed up as the blood drained from my face. Edward always loved the blush that would creep up over my body when I was nervous or embarrassed, but that wouldn't be happening today. I walked to his side, my eyes never leaving his. I took a deep breath and brought my hand up to his face, running my fingers along his cheekbone.
His skin was frozen and his nose was red; he had been outside a long time. I realized that he wasn't wearing a jacket, just a t-shirt, his pajama pants, and slippers. I reached down and took his hand, pulling him towards the house. I don't want you sick for Christmas. He stood still, not budging at my request. For just a minute, please? I buried my face into his chest as I felt him lower his to my hair. He had called me Bella, something he rarely did. He usually called me Iz or Izzy, his special nickname for me, but when things were serious he would call me Bella.
The dread grew in my chest as I contemplated what was happening. I loosened my hold on him and he pulled me towards the old wooden swings that hung silently in the chilled air.
I gently sat down, not knowing how strong the ropes were or even when the swing set had last been used. Goodness knows college kids didn't spend a lot of time on playground equipment. He held my hand in his, his thumb rubbing circles over the back of my hand. I looked at him, waiting for him to say something, anything. When he finally spoke, it wasn't what I expected. I was stunned, how could he ask that?
A million reasons ran through my head in that instant, as he waited for my reply. You're the first person who ever saw me for who I am, and liked me enough to keep looking. You have no idea how much that means to me, how grateful I am to you for that. His brow creased and he swallowed before he asked, "Is that the only reason? Because I paid attention to you when no else did? No, it's so much more than that. You take care of me, you help me, you talk to me, you comfort me, you make me feel happier then I ever thought I could feel, you make me want things I never wanted before.
When I'm with you, I'm a better person. I know it sounds stupid, but I feel complete when I'm with you. When your arms are around me, I'm safe. When you smile at me, my world is brighter. When you kiss me, every inch of my body screams out with joy. When I'm with you, my life is what I know it should be, what it never had any chance of being before you came along. Do you know that? I can't imagine even one day without holding you, or kissing you, or looking into your eyes, or hearing your voice.
I don't want to. What is this about, Edward? You can tell me," I pleaded with him. My heart stuttered, trying desperately to figure out where he was going with this. I mean, I've had feelings for girls before, but…I'm at a loss right now. I've never felt what I feel for you. His eyes peered into mine and it seemed that the green there intensified as he continued to stare at me.
He leaned towards me, ever so slightly, and licked his lips. I am wholly, totally, completely, thoroughly in love with you, and I'm scared to death that you don't feel the same way about me. He dropped his eyes from mine, looking down at our hands. I saw a tear fall down his cheek as his breath hitched. Had I heard him right? He had really said it? I had never heard it before, except for a few times from my dad, but not since I was 9 years old. I watched him, swallowing before I tried to speak.
I know I do. I've known for a while, I just had to be sure. I didn't want to hurt you, I need you too much. A smile slowly crept across my face as I reached my free hand out, taking hold of his chin and lifting his face until our eyes met. It scares me everyday, the thought of feeling like this for someone; I don't know what to do with it, but I love you, I know I do. You're everything to me, you always will be. He grinned his crooked smile at me, "You know this is it for me, right? I'll never feel like this about anyone else, no matter how long I live?
You okay with that? A laugh escaped from me as nodded my head in agreement, "Me too, no one else. His hand cupped my cheek and he kissed my lips gently several times before pulling back. You and only you, my Izzy. You're my one, now and always. Let's go back inside so I can show you how much I love you. He held my hand as he stepped away towards the backdoor.
I stood still for just a moment, realizing what had just happened between us. He loved me, and I loved him, and it was okay. He was mine, and I was his, and he wanted to show me. I smiled as I stepped towards him, anxious to be near him again. I slowly approached, not knowing what to say. I had played this scene so many times in my head, but now that it was happening, I was at a loss for words.
I took a deep breathe, holding it in my lungs, hoping to erase the feelings burning in my belly. My heart was racing as I came to a stop within an arms length of him. His step faltered and he came to a stand still. I could see the agony on his face and it broke my heart like nothing ever before. I know you still love me, can't we talk about this? He looked up at me, squaring his shoulders, and spoke, "Iz, do you remember that night? Do you remember what happened that last night that we were together? Do you even have any recollection of what I went through? That night haunts me, Izzy; I can't ever allow myself to go back to that.
It doesn't matter how much I loved you, or how much I still love you, all that matters is that I can't be with you. Having you here, this close to me, letting myself smell your perfume and feel your skin, be awash in your whole essence, it's killing me. I can't be here, not with you. Please, let me be, Iz. I'm happy, please don't erase everything I've worked for this past year. Please, if you love me at all, like you say you do, please let me go. There was so much pain in his eyes. How could I deny him?
How could I stand there in front of him and blatantly ignore his request? It was self preservation that kept me there. I knew I couldn't live without him, and in a last ditch effort to save itself, my body refused to move. The details of that night were hazy to me. I had tried over and over again to figure out exactly what happened, but there were too many holes in my memory.
I just remember that I felt really good until you started screaming at me. I knew I had spent the evening home alone while Edward worked late on a case his law firm had assigned him to.
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I remembered feeling happy and kind of euphoric. Then I remember seeing Edward's eyes burning through me, feeling his grasp on my arm, pulling me away from where I was. I remember him throwing clothes at me and yelling so loudly I thought my eardrums would burst. Then I remember him turning and walking away from me, leaving me huddled on the floor, sobbing for him to come back. What else could there have been?
How could my pain have affected him so much? You know what happened. Somewhere in your brain you remember what was going on that night. Think harder Iz, I can't tell you, you have to remember it. I racked my brain but found nothing. No hints of the supposed horrid events that transpired that night were left for me to find, no clues to solve the puzzle. I looked to him, begging with my eyes for him to tell me, to put me out of my misery and just tell me what happened.
His face twisted into a look of fury and his voice poured out in a hushed roar, "You do know why you can't remember, Isabella. You know perfectly well why you can't remember. I want to hear you say it out loud. I think after four years together I deserve that much from you.
Say it, Isabella, out loud. I started to panic. He couldn't be doing this to me here, in a public place. This was something between us, something that no one else knew. How dare he say these things to me! I looked at the floor, tears flooding my eyes, and slowly shook my head. I mouthed the word again and again before Edward finally stepped forward, grabbing my upper arm, turning me towards him. Is that what you want?
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You want me to tell you why I can't be with you? You want me to tell you why you broke my heart? You want me to tell you what I walked in on that night? You really want me to do that? He reached out and grasped my face, roughly turning it up to look at him. Once our eyes met I saw no more sadness in him. Instead I saw hatred and anger, years of frustration built up, exploding out of him towards me.
He seethed, "You, Isabella, are a drug addict. You know it's true, I know it's true. I hate you because you let things get so far out of hand. I hate myself because I let this happen to you. I hate Eric for exposing you to this, but most of all I hate that for two years I tried to help you, I tried to make things right, and you wouldn't let me. I hate you because you aren't willing to change for me. You can't stop yourself, I'm not enough to make you stop, and I hate that I'm not enough for you. You are all I ever wanted, and I'm not enough to help you. My body shook violently with the realizations of what he was saying.
My head thrashed back and forth in denial, trying to push the ideas away. He was wrong, he had to be wrong. I felt his grip on my arm loosen and compassion begin to lace his words again, "I tried to help you Iz, I tried so hard. I gave up everything to help you. I would have given my life if it meant saving you, but you wouldn't be saved, Iz.
You wouldn't let me help you. Why wouldn't you let me? Why couldn't I be enough for you? But he was enough for me. How could he not see that? What could I say to prove to him that he was all I would ever want, the only thing I truly needed in my life? I overlooked so many things because I loved you.
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I thought that's what I was supposed to do — give you the benefit of the doubt. Eventually I realized I was just making things worse. I wasn't helping you at all. I would have died for you if I thought you had felt the same way about me, but you didn't. I didn't really see it until that last night.
I couldn't admit it to myself until it was right in front of my face. That image is burned into my brain, Iz. For as long as I live I will never forget what I saw when I opened that door.
You shattered me," he sadly told me, defeat thick in his voice. His eyes closed and his head dropped. You were having sex with him, Iz. You didn't have enough money that night to pay him what you owed him, so instead you screwed him. On our living room floor, while you were wearing my grandmothers ring that I put on your finger.
Our wedding announcements were scattered on the floor underneath you. Oh my… No, please no. My body shuddered at the knowledge of what I had done. I suddenly felt the urge to throw up again. When I kicked Eric out that night, he told me it wasn't the first time you'd done that with him, and he wasn't the only person you'd done it with either. He couldn't even remember how many other guys there were. He said he even remembered some girls too. All that time, I was killing myself trying to help you, and you were screwing anyone and everyone behind my back because you wanted drugs more than you wanted me.
Do you have any idea how that made me feel? There was nothing I could say. I knew in that moment that he and I would never be together again. There was no way. I had broken things beyond repair.
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It was my fault. I had to let him go, let him be happy and live his life. He deserved better than what I had to give. He laughed, "You know how sick I am, Izzy? I'm so twisted over you that if you promised me right here, right now, that you would get help, that you would let me help you; I would walk out of this hotel right now with you and never look back. I would give up everything in my life to be with you, and never have one regret for doing it. That's how much I want to be with you; how much I want to love you and take care of you.
But I know you could never promise me that. You would never let me do that, and it breaks my heart. I looked into his eyes, wishing there was something I could say to comfort him, to make things right, but knowing there was nothing that would ever be enough. I couldn't promise him the one thing he wanted. I had to let him go. I stepped backwards, away from him, as he let his grasp on my arm fall. Please, don't worry about me. Just be happy, that's all I care about.
Promise me that when Emmett finds out about this, you will let him help you. It's time you stopped this Iz, let him help you. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you. I love you so much, I always have and I always will, until the day I die. You are the love of my life. Please, let him help you. Can you do that for me? I looked at him once more, knowing it would be the last time, and I nodded my head, putting on the best smile I could muster.
Emmett would never find out. I would never give him the chance to help me. He walked towards me, pulling me into his arms, hugging me tightly. He buried his nose in my hair and I could feel his body shaking with emotion. I always will, no matter what. Don't ever forget that. No matter where I am, I belong to you and only you. I wrapped my arms around him, clinging to him. I could hear movement in the hallway behind us, not knowing who was there. I felt Edward stiffen slightly and then pull away from me. His hands cupped my face, pulling it up to look at him. When our eyes met, he searched mine for assurance that I meant the words I spoke to him, that I really would let Emmett help me.
He sighed and slowly lowered his face, placing his lips sweetly, tenderly against mine. He lingered there for a few moments before inching away. His eyes opened slowly, soon finding mine, and he whispered softly, "I love you Isabella. No matter what, I love you. He dropped his hands and stepped around me. As I turned to the side I saw Tori standing near the door, her shaking hand covering her mouth, fresh tears on her cheeks.
Emmett was standing beside her with a questioning look on his face. Edward walked to Tori, took her hand, and left. Emmett and I stood in our places for a few moments before he finally approached me. He put his arm around me and led me to the desk to retrieve my wrap and his jacket.
We walked to his car, and then rode silently home. I had to let him go, give him a chance at a better life. I knew I was in no position to provide him with the future he wanted. I had to set him free. When we got to my apartment we remained sitting for several minutes before I finally spoke, staring at my hands folded in my lap. I did some things to Edward that I can never take back.
I hurt him in ways that no one should ever be hurt. And the things I did then are things that I'm still doing now. I don't want to hurt you Emmett. You are a good, sweet man, and if you stay with me I will only ruin you. I'm so sorry, I didn't realize before tonight the true extent of my actions and choices. I can't ask you to stay in a relationship that will end up destroying you. Please tell Alice that I'm so sorry, for everything. And please don't hate me for this Emmett. Its better this way, trust me. I moved to open the door when Emmett spoke, "Bella, you're scaring me.
What are you talking about? What happened with Edward? You can tell me, let me help. I'm a big boy, Bella. Let me decide for myself what I can and can't handle. I'm just tired and I need to rest. Things have been way out of hand for a long time and I just need to make some changes, fix some things.
It will all be okay. Trust me, it's for the best. Thank you for making me happier than I have been in a long, long time. I almost forgot what it was like before, how sad I was. You made me almost forget that, so thank you. I stepped out of the car as he protested, asking me to let him help me out.
I didn't stop, I just continued on, not wanting to see him again, choosing instead to remember him with a smile on his face. I walked away from the car, towards my apartment, letting the sounds of him calling out to me fade into the background noise that filled the night air. Silently I hoped he would be happy someday, and that he wouldn't hate me the way Edward did. At least I was saving him from that heartache. I entered my dark apartment, letting myself be overwhelmed by the blackness all around me. There was comfort in it, a peace I hadn't felt in years.
I let out a long, labored, pained sigh and flipped the lights on. I hung up my purse and wrap, bending over to take off the new shoes I had bought special for tonight. I knew Alice would love to have them; I would make sure she got them. She had been a true friend to me, through all the ups and downs in my life. She was the closest thing I had to family and I adored her. She hoped that by introducing me to Emmett I would actually become family, and it might have worked out, but fate had other plans.
The kitchen was dark, but I knew exactly where the wine glasses were and the bottle of red wine I had recently bought. As I opened the refrigerator door to get the pills I kept hidden there, I saw the flowers Emmett brought me earlier in the evening. They were so bright and cheerful, just like he was. I pulled them out and held them to my chest, breathing in their tart scent. Once the door was closed and I was in darkness again, I realized that I couldn't see the vibrant colors anymore. I thought about how much my life was like that. When I had Edward, he was like a light shining on my life.
Before him I had always been in the dark. When I was with him, things were vivacious and colorful, beautiful and warm, but after he left me, the light went out. My world went back to darkness and I knew I could never enjoy anything beautiful again. Emmett was like the flowers — bright, warm, and inviting to me — yet my world was too dark for me to see just how brilliant he was.
His life would never be full if he stayed with me. I could never bring to him the joy and happiness that he deserved. I held the flowers, wine bottle, glass, and pill bottle in my hands and walked to my bedroom. I set the flowers on my bed while placing the wine and glass on my bedside table. I held the tiny bottle in my hand, filled with sleeping pills that had been prescribed to me.
They were the only legal drug that I had taken recently; everything else had been acquired by less than respectable means. Anyone who knew me would most likely be shocked to find out about my addiction; I wasn't the kind of person that would fall prey to something like drugs. I came from a nice home, I got good grades in school, my friends were law abiding citizens, and I had never even had a speeding ticket.
I didn't look like a drug addict, but I knew I was one. I emptied the bottle into my hand, quickly counting easily over 40 pills. I knew it was more than enough, but I didn't want to take any chances. I opened the wine and poured a glass for myself, swallowing the pills in several drinks. By the end of the second glass, the pills were all gone and there was nothing left to do but wait.
I turned on my radio and was surprised to hear the local country station. I didn't usually listen to it but I remembered playing with the tuner a few days earlier and turning off the radio before putting it back on my regular station. Soon I recognized the song floating out of the speaker. It was a song from years ago that I had first heard while in high school. Pubblica immagini fotografiche dal vivo concesse in utilizzo da fotografi dei quali viene riportato il copyright. E-mail Compilare il campo E-mail Il campo E-mail deve essere valido.
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