But with more of us forced to relocate for work, as well as by changes in circumstance, many of us are missing out on time with friends. And making new ones can be tough. It makes me feel like I'm at school again. I found the whole experience exhausting.
The art of making new friends as a grown-up
Dr Steven Howell, psychology professor at Keystone College, Pennsylvania, studied the science of establishing new friendships, and concluded that a night out is the best place to start. Exchanging confidences and taking risks together is apparently essential, and a "bonding analysis" study found that a drinking session is an excellent way to facilitate these. Researchers found that those who drink together and tackle a crisis together — even something small, like how to get home at the end of the night — are more likely to become close than people who don't drink or share dramas.
Ever a slave to science, I decide to road-test Dr Howell's theory. But because I'm a wuss, I want an extra confidence boost first. Halpern agrees to give me a crash course in a theory of improvisation to help me on my quest to turn strangers into friends. Tina [Fey] and Amy [Poehler] were naturals from the start, and they've used the technique in other areas.
Six Habits Of People Who Make Friends Easily
So can a typically-shy-in-newsocial-situations layperson master the art of, "Yes, and …"? Great things happen when you say, 'Yes, and …' If you're shy, it helps you focus on the other person. If you're naturally confident, it improves empathy, and someone who empathises makes a good friend. Inspired, I resolve to put "Yes, and …" to the test. I meet a girl who is new in town and suggest going out.
She agrees, then, in the spirit of "Yes, and …", a drink turns into dinner plans with a third woman.
Because I am following a proven technique, the encounter feels easier somehow. Practising "Yes, and …" means the conversation flows effortlessly, and within half an hour my cheeks ache with laughter. After dessert, potential-new-friend No.
Why making friends as a grown-up is scary – and how to do it anyway
And there's a new bar across town …" The words slip out before I can overthink them. This is pure madness, but once I say it, there is no turning back. So we pay up and go. I make it home just before dawn, aware that I am going to feel terrible when the alarm my toddler goes off. But it is worth it, I tell myself: I have embraced my inner Tina Fey — and she's a blast! Six months on, I'm delighted to report that my new friendships are lasting ones.
The kind you can rely on for moral support and gin after a terrible day; who'll bring over Danish pastries when you're ill; friends you want to celebrate life's highs and lows with. We constantly make and lose them.
1. GET CLOSE WITH ACQUAINTANCES.
But how do you get closer without inviting them out one-on-one, which may feel scary? The key—both people have to be up for it.
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Give it a try with these questions and see if your acquaintance opens up and returns the question:. Challenge yourself to say yes to every invite for a month—party invitations, drinks with coworkers, book readings, and networking events—and try to connect with at least three new people at each gathering. If you run, take it to the next level and join a marathon-training group. Go on a weekend retreat. Volunteering, joining a book group, and taking a class in an unfamiliar subject are other options. Going to an event without a friend or significant other by your side can be a little scary… but it can also force you to be more outgoing.
Not to mention, people in packs look like established friends—showing up alone makes you look more approachable and less intimidating. Ease into it by meeting up with a friend at a social event, but arrive 15 minutes early and try mingling on your own. If you usually take a morning Zumba class, switch to an evening class a few times to see some new faces. Walk the dog every morning? Take the pooch to a different dog park than your usual. Have weekly drink plans with two pals?
I never had trouble making friends but things are different now. People, in general, are not as social.