He has written a book that presents a model of negotiation that is backed by research and experience. And he also acknowledges that even the best negotiations can fail. Shapiro is the founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program, and he has been involved in negotiations ranging from hostage situations with police to work in the Middle East with Palestine and Israel.

He is a psychologist and has provided family therapy. He is also married and a father of three sons. He draws from all of these roles for examples of emotionally charged situations that can become almost impossible to resolve. What makes things so hard to work out? Shapiro says we have to get beneath our emotions to the root of identity: What are the values of our respective tribes and what do they mean to us? Negotiation takes place in that space between us. The first step is to listen to each other. There are many barriers to getting to a collaborative phase. He talks about the five lures that draw us into tribalism and what takes listening off the table.

Tribes are adversarial, self-righteous, and closed. Shapiro has broken down all the pitfalls we face in negotiation and given us tools to try to get beyond what can seem to be an impossible task. He uses charts, acronyms, and steps to help break the process down into manageable and focused parts. For example, to try to break the repetition compulsion, there is the TCI method — trigger, cycle of discord, and impact. The method of evaluating your connection with another is REACH — recognition of existence, empathic understanding, attachment, care, and hallowed kinship.

It feels like he has covered every possible variable for conflict with some way to address them. I would love to see one of his workshops where people divide into tribes, develop their own values, and then a space alien enters the room and gives them a specified amount of time to unite into one tribe. If they do not, the world ends.


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In almost every case, Shapiro says, the world ends. We truly become attached to our identities very quickly and deeply. A part of the book that has a lot of meaning for me is on reconciliation. We have all felt wronged in our lives, and we have hurt others. Forgiveness often comes up with clients in therapy. Shapiro does a really nice job of going over the process of reconciliation and forgiveness and just what that means.

We are cooperative, compassionate and open. And that takes a lot of trust. I highly recommend this book. I wish we could all read it and begin to use what he teaches to work toward solutions. This is a very solution-oriented book.

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I also recommend reading the Notes section at the end of the book. Consistently practical and clear. Good to consult as a reference whenever negotiations need doing. Apr 30, Holly Stevenson rated it it was amazing Shelves: Oct 28, Leonard Nakamura rated it it was amazing. Every one of us experiences deep conflicts with those important to us.

These conflicts can ruin us or save us. Yet we often feel helpless to surmount these conflicts -- they seem Immoveable. Negotiating the Nonnegotiable provides lessons and ideas on how to revise your attitudes toward these conflicts and negotiate reconciliation. This book can change tour life. It is changing mine. Oct 03, Lisa rated it liked it. This wasn't my favorite of the negotiation books I've read. I much preferred Never Split the Difference. This was all about Identity issues, which I've no doubt are part of the problem in negotiations, just not what I'm particularly interested in at the moment.

If it ever comes up as more of a problem for me, I know what book to turn to! Mar 15, Vanessa Rogers rated it really liked it Shelves: I became interested in the subject of conflict resolution after some of my residency communications sessions. I read Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High on recommendation from one of our faculty members, and that book led me to this one. This book offers strategies that are separate from, but complimentary to those in Crucial Conversations. There may be less verbatim phrases or strategies to try in this book, but the concepts are extremely recognizable in every day life I became interested in the subject of conflict resolution after some of my residency communications sessions.

There may be less verbatim phrases or strategies to try in this book, but the concepts are extremely recognizable in every day life. I was listening while I was driving, and found myself sheepishly smiling during the early examples as I heard some of my own unhelpful habits being described. I enjoyed that this book was not specific to work or relationships, but that it was generally applicable. There are certainly some ideas that I will be taking forward for my personal life, and others that I think will be helpful in my professional realm.

I feel like I'll be coming back to this book and making a little set of reminders of Shapiro's main points. I'd recommend this to anyone who is likely to find themselves as either a participant or a mediator in conflict situations. The ebook on overdrive has free DLC "cheat sheets" so that's super handy!

Jun 21, Bob Bixby rated it really liked it. If you never have been in an emotionally charged conflict you don't need this book. If you're normal and work in an environment where emotionally charged conflicts are likely then this book is an absolute must-read. As I read through this book I could not help but look back at several major conflicts I have experienced and wished that the simple strategies and principles that are articulated here so well would have been a part of my repertoire.

I think Christians, particularly, are too quick to If you never have been in an emotionally charged conflict you don't need this book. I think Christians, particularly, are too quick to accept unacceptable resolutions because of our simplistic applications of "biblical principles" to our conflicts. These do not contradict the principles of the Gospel; they can be extra potent as tools for "ministers of reconciliation" who believe and love the Christian gospel.

A must-read for pastors. Feb 19, Ko Matsuo rated it really liked it. An eye opening book about what Shapiro calls the Tribes Effect. The fascinating thing is that the Tribes Effect has been shown in situations where smart people are broken into groups and are given a finite amount of time to work together and solve a problem. At stake is stopping the world from blowing up. Time and time again people get so caught up in their An eye opening book about what Shapiro calls the Tribes Effect. Time and time again people get so caught up in their group that they would rather sacrifice the earth than come to an agreeable compromise.

Per Shapiro you can identify yourself as being influenced by the tribes effect if you are adversarial, self-righteous, or closed to new ideas. Its a fantastic point but only takes 3 chapters to make. The rest of the book unfortunately is fillers repeating the same point with weak supporting examples.

May 14, Cristian rated it it was amazing. Y de cierta forma lo es. El profesor Shapiro postula de manera clara, precisa y articulable un texto que nos ayuda a enfrentar situaciones complejas donde hay mucho en juego. Desde negociaciones en el trabajo hasta conflictos familiares y otros a escala mundial. Sin importar el tamano, todos esconde mecanismos similares.

Book Review: Negotiating the Nonnegotiable

He entiendo mucho mas sobre como abordar este tipo de situaciones y sacar partido al conflicto a fin de beneficiar a ambas partes. In comparing negotiating the non-negotiable to that first book, which is basically on the same topic, left me thinking that this was some sort of re-write. I may be being a little unfair in summarizing it this way but there is no doubt in my mind the first book is very much superior to this book and should absolutely be read by anyone and everyone who deals in difficult issues regarding i read this book right after finishing his other book that he co-authored with Roger Fisher, "beyond Reason".

I may be being a little unfair in summarizing it this way but there is no doubt in my mind the first book is very much superior to this book and should absolutely be read by anyone and everyone who deals in difficult issues regarding interactions with others. I rated this book as "OK" as it does have some original insights that would be useful particularly if you have not read up on this topic.

Jun 03, Bruce Samuelsen rated it it was amazing.

Excellent book with a nice balance of theory, steps and processes for implementation, and examples from David's experience in implementation. This book is very useful to understand and break down any type of relationship - not just those that may require negotiations e. I originally picked this up for business - but found the material to be remarkably useful in understanding relationships and situations in both personal and business settings. Highly recommended for anyone Excellent book with a nice balance of theory, steps and processes for implementation, and examples from David's experience in implementation.


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Highly recommended for anyone looking to up their game. Jun 13, Nick rated it really liked it. A brilliant dissection of negotiation, especially tough negotiation. I am thoroughly persuaded that, if I had a difficult negotiation, I would want Mr. Only two problems with this book: By the end, I was desperate for acronym relief.

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Aug 29, Manoj Joshi rated it really liked it. The book has original thoughts but in the context of International operations leaving Asian context and situations. It has some deep thinking passages and I would recommend to CEO's engaged in negotiations. Jan 20, Charles rated it it was amazing Shelves: Another super useful negotiating book. Emotionally charged conflicts are difficult and pervasive; they should be a special area of interest for negotiators.

Aug 10, Michael Carpenter rated it it was amazing Shelves: This is a wonderful book! From international disputes, to office politics, to your most intimate relationships, this book teaches you how to understand, address, and resolve conflicts. It's funny, easy to read, and incredibly insightful! Jan 29, Kipi rated it it was amazing Shelves: An excellent book on the interconnected roles of identity and emotion in conflict.

I plan to use it as a text in a new course on interpersonal conflict. Although the topic is very profound, the book itself is very easy to read and understand. Aug 07, Abid Ali rated it really liked it. I have learned about identity and it explains aloy about our current conflicts. Jun 27, Andrew rated it liked it. Great content, rich guide to negotiating and dealing with people. But I didn't enjoy reading it.