They married young because Laurie became pregnant and, being Catholic, any other choice was out of the question, so he decided to do the right thing. Laurie worked full-time to put Frank through college and law school. He worked long hours and she stayed home with the kids. As his success rose, they began to lead separate lives. He and his buddies would routinely frequent strip clubs after work and occasionally bust out for a Vegas trip which inevitably did not stay in there.
One night after Frank arrived home drunk and passed out on the sofa, Laurie came across text messages from one of the girls wanting to hook up and that was the start of their particular fandango. At first, he denied it, and then he became indignant, and finally contrite, sad and terrified that he would lose her.
How to Trust Life Again, after You Have Lost All Hope — Purpose Fairy
Frank realized what she meant to him, but Laurie worried incessantly every time he went out and would give him the third and fourth degree when he arrived home. Inevitably, a huge row would ensue, only to end in an icy standoff that would last for days. They were lost in a sea of suspicion and secrecy.
Trust is the bedrock of what makes relationships work. It is the fundamental process of love and intimacy. In the intervening thirty or so years of doing therapy, there is not a thornier issue than the loss of trust, in whatever form it may take. Trust can be lost through lies, rage, violence, drug and alcohol abuse, and, most prominently, sexual infidelity.
Usually the behaviors that created the distrust are difficult to change, because they are complex and convoluted. These little critters skip and jump through our system like ciphers popping up in unexpected places, while giving our mind the best of reasons to be doing whatever it is that our bodies are pushing for. The body certainly does vote, and when it comes to sex, nothing is more powerful. I have seen very wealthy and powerful people literally spending millions of dollars on sex, drugs, and rock and roll—all the while being in the midst of a marriage with children. The level of guilt is staggering enough to kill a herd of horses, but it generally does not stop the offender.
The reasons why men or women cheat are multifaceted. Our society is also rife with willing males and females who know full well that a roll in the hay will quintuple what they could otherwise earn, not to mention shoes, jewelry, apartments and cars. It says something about our world and the steady decline of moral imperatives. Coming clean does work—but not completely clean.
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Denial only leads to more distrust, so the truth has to come out along with the willingness to take responsibility for your actions. However, detailed truth can sometimes make the hurt even worse and compound the pain, and therefore the healing process. Couples can spend tons of time on details while losing the thread of what needs to be done to correct the misconduct.
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Being defensive, righteous or casual about the problem never works. There must be a sincere effort to work out the issues, or the wall will never come down. The angrier you are, the less you are able to hear what the aggrieved one has to say, and the worse what they feel will get. Talk about what made you do it. Opening up about your own struggle, the need to get help, and the awareness of what got you there in the first place will help to prevent further infractions. If there is a sexual addiction problem, you must be willing to attend SA sexual addiction meetings or do what is necessary to make it better.
If there is loneliness in the marriage, take the initiative to make an appointment with a counselor. Talking about your feelings of alienation is the best way to connect again. Be an open book. That means open your cell phone, email, and appointment book for a period of time. This is usually the hardest part, because any person who has lived that clandestine underground life of secrecy likes it that way. They feel entitled to privacy, and they become righteous and indignant. At this point, you will need to take a moment and ask yourself what is really important: It really comes down to that.
Whether married or not, there is a need to discuss values about living life and what that entails. This may be the most important part of the process.
Take time to talk about what you want, what got you into this mess, and what needs to happen moving forward. Write it all down and make a ceremony out of it. But the truth is that Life loves us a great deal. And through every experience and every interaction it sends our way — no matter how dark, painful and difficult — it wants us to step back into our Power and it wants us to reclaim the right to Be all that we were created us to be.
5 Ways to Rebuild Trust After It’s Broken
Life is a great friend and a powerful ally. Instead of holding grudges, choose to bless everyone that comes your way, including those people who give you a hard time. Forgive everyone and set them free. You, dear one, have done nothing wrong. And it is time for you to forgive yourself and move on with your life.
It is time for you to practice gentleness and trust life again. You are human just like everyone else, and as long as you will be living and breathing, you will fall down and you will stumble. But does that mean you a horrible person? So stop being so harsh on yourself and start treating yourself with the kindness, respect, gentleness, and compassion you need and deserve.
How to Trust Life Again
Treat yourself in the same way you would treat a sweet little baby who is just learning how to walk. Because learning to trust life again is a lot like learning to walk for the first time. For those of us who are fixated on how things should happen and how life should unfold, things can get quite challenging at times. And you know why? But we have to!
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If you want to learn how to trust life again, you have to learn to let go of fixed plans and concepts, and you have to learn to put your trust in something bigger than yourself. And you have to learn to surrender. Be wise enough to listen to your own Heart and Soul. Surrender yourself to the wisdom of Life and humble yourself before your own Heart and Soul.
No such world exists. One of my favorite sayings on patience comes from Saint Francis de Sales: Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.