If you don't deserve theirs, they don't deserve yours. It's because trust is so intimately woven into our psyches that it is so incredibly difficult to change. To be blunt, people are either trustworthy or they are not. That doesn't mean they're good or bad.
It just means you can't place your trust in what they say or what they promise. Of course, we all tell occasional white lies "why, yes, honey, there definitely is a Santa Clause! But that's rarely of concern. The danger zone is entering into relationships with people who see trust as something they can use to manipulate the truth to serve their own purposes, without regard for the impact it has on others.
Before I go further, I'll caution you that my experience has consistently been that trying to rehabilitate pathologically untrustworthy people is a fool's journey. Their perception of reality has been shaped in such a way, and at such a formative age, that nothing short of a direct emotional nuclear hit will dislodge the survival and coping mechanisms they have developed. What's even worse is that these people not only distrust others, while they make effuse claims of "trust me," but they also do not trust themselves.
In other words, while their actions may let down, damage, and hurt others, in the end they are mostly undermining themselves. Which is why, over the long run, being untrustworthy is punishment enough. So, how do you spot someone who shouldn't be trusted? There are five telltale signs that I've observed in untrustworthy people. Usually these come in combinations of two or three consistent behaviors. Spot these and you're pretty well assured that this is not a person you should be putting a whole lot of faith in. One of the most striking behaviors of untrustworthy people is that they see themselves in ways that are simply inconsistent with reality.
When you encounter someone who seems disconnected from the actual impact that their actions and behaviors are having, it's a sure sign that they are trying to create a perception that conforms to their desires rather than to reality. For example, if someone constantly describes herself as a quiet person who seeks harmony, while her behavior is disruptive, arrogant, and confrontational, you've got a disconnect that should immediately start to raise red flags of trustworthiness.
People who are untrustworthy also have an amazingly consistent habit of accusing others of behaviors that they themselves are exhibiting or are contemplating. This one is a classic seen regularly by relationship counselors. It goes something like this. Mary is constantly accusing Jack of contemplating new employment. Jack knows that he is not only perfectly happy where he is and not seeking employment elsewhere but he has also never made any indications that he might be. Jack is befuddled by Mary's ongoing accusations.
Guess who is looking for new employment? If someone is constantly accusing you of something which you know to patently false, chances are very good that what that person is doing is projecting his or her own untrustworthy behavior and insecurities onto you. This one should ring in your head like the bells of St. Paul's when you hear it. This one has always amazed me. We all remember as kids swearing someone to secrecy only to have them break the promise and then rationalize it by saying, "But I only told one other person. Confidentiality, when agreed to and in the absence of any illicit or illegal activity , is a sacred bond.
This one to me is a nonnegotiable. Once someone has broken a pledge of confidentiality, there is no second chance because that person has already demonstrated a desire to gain favor with others that is greater than his or respect for them. By the way, it's incredibly easy to pick this one out because inevitably these people will share things with you that you can tell were said to them in confidence by others. You can be assured that if they did it to somebody else, they will do it to you. There is zero hope for trust where there is no respect for confidentiality.
This is perhaps the one shared behavior of nearly every untrustworthy person. They are able to rationalize being untrustworthy by diminishing the impact, pain, damage, or inconvenience they cause others. This is also the most dangerous of the five behaviors, because once you lose empathy for those whom your actions affect, you have started down a slippery slope with no bottom. Belief that people will hurt me has caused my distrust.
The first full-time job I had, the very first holiday party I went to had an open bar at a hotel. I expressed concern that somebody would get drunk and was assured by one of the senior partners that there would be no incidents. There were incidents, and somebody got drunk as a skunk. I never forgave them for that. It happens to all of us to some degree or another. Perhaps it may help you as well. I try to shake it off and I get so caught up.
Trust is dependancy,I wish to be indipendant of others as much as possible. Trust is in vain,meaning that to much dependance is the assumption of trust. Even though I depend on others they have rights to their own indipendance. Indipendance is happyness,freedom,self sufficiancy,ect…I trust in my self. This is where the victim of a wrongful act is held partially, or entirely, responsible for the wrong that befell them.
It is a stance chosen by people who wish to avoid culpability. You also state that people who find it difficult to trust others ought to move beyond this into becoming more trusting in order to have a happy and successful future. Now, I am not going to disagree that trust is, indeed, vitally important within any healthy relationship. I would add that lack of trust is a big killer of relationships. However, what I object to is the victim blaming tone of your article.
I would assume that you did not intend the article to come across in this manner, but it appears to me that any article is open to a multitude of interpretations, and that when a person chooses to write an article in which it is written…. There is a risk of coming across as somewhat victim-blaming. Also, your replies to some of the comments here appear to give somewhat conflicting or inaccurate information.
What if you know nothing? Or what if the person lies about their past? However, it is where you place emphasis upon the person who finds it hard to trust, and THEIR need to change, that things start to fall apart. Is there not a two-way issue of responsibility, and reciprocality, when it comes to trust? Surely the person who cannot be trusted is also in need of change?
You see, in describing why people find it hard to trust, you emphasize the fact that it is nearly always their personal experiences that lead to inability to trust. Low propensity to trust, and past hurts, are really interconnected. Our experiences of other people and how they interact with us whilst we are growing up have a HUGE influence upon our ability to trust others.
The more a person comes across other people who demonstrate that they CANNOT be trusted, the more said person will find it hard to trust. And THIS is why I suggest that your article can appear a little victim-blaming, even if it was not intended to…. The developing child has very little control over many people with whom it has contact. Kids do not get t choose their family — parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins… Kids also have only limited control over who their family has as friends they may choose their own friends, but not who parents, siblings, etc.
If a child grows up in a family environment where key figures — especially caregivers — are untrustworthy, then that child has little choice but to become self-sufficient, or fail to thrive. A toddler can NOT up and move house if he or she has an unreliable parent. Indeed, the child had NO choice over such an outcome. A person who has already been wounded does not need somebody stating the obvious! You are a person whose position, and likely whose training, require that you have a good understanding of interpersonal relations.
Thus, I would have expected you to appreciate that ALL humans develop in such a way that early childhood experiences impact upon later life. The way we interact with our earliest caregivers — usually our parents — and the way they respond to us, forms a template by which we gauge, and upon which we model, future relationships. Our early caregivers — our family, and parents especially — form role-models, against whose behaviours and actions we compare those of people we encounter later in life. Put simply, our earliest experiences are ones which colour the way we later see life. So, if our earliest experiences of people — people who are supposed to love us and care for us — is that they actually are untrustworthy, and let us down, then it makes total sense to expect that we will continue to be concerned that this is the way all people act.
This is particularly so if we continue to have relationships with people who reinforce our belief that people ARE untrustworthy, because they continue to let us down. At the end of the day, humans can only understand that which they have experienced. If you have never experienced something, how do you have any idea what it is like? Thus, people who have been continually let down in life by untrustworthy others WILL naturally default to a position of wariness, and of being slow to trust.
They know NO different. It is NOT as simple as saying that fault for lack of trust lies with people who find it hard to trust. People who hide their past. People who keep secrets. People who say one thing but do another. People who manipulate others into lying or keeping secrets on their behalf. Con-artists… Each and every one of us knows that such people DO exist, and some of us may even have come across them in life.
Liars, fakes, abusers, secrets… all of these are not always as easy to spot as some people might like to think. I grew up in a family where BOTH parents were liars, and kept secrets, and behaved hypocritically. Growing up like this is scary, because it provides you with no role-models upon whom to model healthy relationships. Worse was the fact that, to the outside world, my parents presented a veneer of respectability. You see, untrustworthy people try ever so hard to fool people into thinking they can be trusted!
Just look at the way so many people are duped by con-artists. People who wish to fool us into trusting them when actually we ought not to can use any multitude of techniques to do so. This can range from posing as someone they are not, to outright threatening us should we spot that they are lying, and try to reveal the lie. Just look at the way domestic violence perpetrators go endlessly through cycles of abuse — lulling the victim into a false sense of security, lashing out, then apologizing when caught doing something wrong, then going off to do something wrong all over again… And so the cycle repeats!
With people who seriously are NOT to be trusted, a similar sort of operation may be seen.
My point is that untrustworthy people often seek to gain something by kidding others that they can be trusted. Thus, it is in their best interests that their untrustworthiness not be revealed. Such people will go to extraordinary lengths in order to dupe others. So, with this in mind, maybe it is possible for you to be a little more understanding and empathic towards the position of people who find it very hard to trust. Yes, I agree that it benefits them to learn to trust; but the suggestion should not be made in a judgmental way.
Such people — like me — already know jus how hurtful and damaging a lack of trust may be.
It may well be that some of us desperately want to be able to trust more easily. BUT… there is a fine line between genuine trust, and gullibility. In this sense, it is clear that to some extent we both must agree that trust is NOT an immediate thing — that there are criteria which a person must meet in order to be considered trustworthy. It would be good to see both sides of the coin discussed. Thanks for your thoughtful comments. Your message illustrates the depth and complexity that can be involved in regards to trust in a relationship. You are correct that my intention was not to engage in victim-blaming.
My intention was to point out that the decision to trust another person rests solely with each of us as individuals. As you point out, the factors that influence our propensity to trust are many and complex. It can be extremely difficult to overcome life experiences that have caused us to have a low propensity to trust. Regardless of our past life experiences, the decision to trust another is completely under our control.
You can trust people to be exactly who they are. Many People are manipulative and will use , abuse and get there own needs fulfilled from others especially if they sense vulnerability. So, this article is good in theory but cannot translate into reality. I respectfully disagree with you. Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. Without it we are forced into a state of self-protection, fear, and cynicism. Well I would agree with you that a society that can work together for the common good of society is fueled by social trust and more beneficial to everyone.
We are dealing with the evolution of human society that carries with it a lot of baggage. The reason the answer to this problem continues to elude us is because the problem is very difficult. Perhaps if you could start talking about how to pragmatically get there not just the destination this blog would be more valuable? To be honest with you, reasonable trust to have depends greatly on the situation.
Trusting family members is different than trusting the sales person at the auto lot than trusting your job etc. In most situations in society, the same problem exists. The car salesman wants to sell you a car at a higher price to make better commission because he wants his kid to get into a better college to have a better future. I might want a better deal so that my car payment is lower so I can save up more money for my kid to go to a better college. I do believe most people are not out to let other people down.
Ayn Rand wrote about this extensively and arrived at what we called Objectivism as a result. Objectivism tends to lead to less trust socially in the sense of doing good things because reciprocity is a social convention. The real social problem that we have today is that people like you and me have become more educated and aware of sociology and psychology to the point that we no longer run on the default conventions on auto pilot.
We actually have trained our minds to think so that we can make conscious choices. We are free to choose. Black and white thinking is one of the most prominent cognitive biases. Trust is a deep, multi-faceted topic and I do appreciate the social complexity involved in how trust is manifested or not in relationships.
You make a critical point about the importance of education and how it empowers you to make conscious choices about who, how, and when you trust others. I advocate an approach of reasoned-trust, not blind trust in any and all circumstances. Reading this article is, for me, the first step of trying to trust someone again. Even if the person that never hurt me, I am stuck in that mindset where if I give too much trust into that person, I am only doing it to feel comfort within myself.
Learning to trust again can be a difficult process. One way to begin is to start trusting people with small things in low-risk situations. As they show themselves trustworthy you can begin to trust them with more serious things. This will lead him into his future mistrust ing his loved ones. Words can be supportive, or be vapor. We carry in our hearts one aspect of life. Our actions may be a world apart from our heartthoughts.
Since we are all going to die, trust is not about others, it is about us. To love, or not to love, is the question. Absent trust and respect, love is non-existent. It is one thing to make a living with words, it is entirely another to offer help that another person can actually apply in their life today. Hello, I believe that being a trust-worthy person is one of my best characteristics, and it draws strangers and others to me. It just hurts when people are hypocritical and I do my best to have a forgiven heart or try to trust them with things as general as simple conversation.
Thank you for your time. In that regard, my viewpoint is yes, be kind to others. Having said that, I think we also have to be aware of toxic relationships and make sure we have appropriate boundaries in place to protect us from emotional harm. In some instances that may mean limiting the amount of time you spend with toxic people. I struggle with depression and this evening thought a light hearted kids film might help to cheer me up. I chose Toy Story 3. In reality it was a serious subject matter that just used a kids medium.
I feel my trust was betrayed and not cheered up at all.
Learning to Trust: Let Go of Your Fear and Let Your Guard Down
All I want to do is bloody relax! When a women has been cheated on by 3 out of 4 relationships, is it normal to not wantbto trust again? Especially to the guy that promised to make it right and apologized but went back on his word. I love him but we can not move on without trust. Am I living in the past? Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. You cannot trust anybody! These people who think they can are just leaving themselves open to abuse.
People are to be admired and observed at a safe distance. You need to protect yourself. You can be friendly. You should always help other people. Everyone needs a sense of purpose. But trust is something that takes a very long time to establish. And even then your frame of reference is just illusive. This world is temporary. You have to make the best with what you have been given. I choose to help people through my profession and through random charitable and compassionate acts. But I will never leave myself open to being vulnerable to another person by choice.
I will always hope for the best but experience teaches me to expect the worse. And life is only a collection of your experiences…. It seems impossible to me to go through life without trusting people. You may want to check out this article to help you assess how people demonstrate trustworthiness. This article is very helpful to me. I loved the part that explains that trust is a gift that should be extended in any new situation, not something to be earned and worked for.
In a new relationship the hope and best possible expectation is that the new situation will be different, better, healthier, and more fulfilling than the last. So, with all that being said, this is what I learned reading this article. We can only show up to love them and let them love us in return.
Thanks for the help, I really needed it. Life is a series of experiences. You need to learn from your experience. I did it to myself! I let them shmooze me! I made myself vulnerable! What exacerbates the situation is money. If people find out you have it they will tell you what they think you want to hear.
I know when people are blowing smoke at me. I do great things for other people. I have the means and feel a responsibility to help other people. I will always have a sense of purpose. I will always have a clear conscience. I value my security and freedom. Thanks for adding that perspective Gregory. I am struggling with trust due to some of my past experiences. What I have to say to that is, if this is true… why do we not trust our children but still love them with everything we are? The ones we love the most or should love the most is our own children, but yet parents put tracking devices on their vehicles or monitor their phone conversations, etc.
They break our trust and because of that we lose our love for them? No… so, it is possible to love and not trust someone right? I love my fiance with all my heart but struggle with fear of being hurt by being cheated on or lied to. Please help me to understand because I really need to learn to trust again but am afraid to let my guard down only to be hurt in the end.
Love and trust are two different constructs.
This Is How To Let Go Of Fear And Learn To Trust Again
And the opposite is true as well; you can trust someone by not love them. I think the real question you are asking is how critical is trust to loving someone in the context of marriage. Trust is dependent on risk. In marriage, the risks are many: Will my spouse love me unconditionally? Will my spouse always be there to support me? Will my spouse cheat on me? Has your fiance ever proved herself untrustworthy? Our propensity to trust is shaped by our life experiences, personality, and the context of the situation.
2. They project behaviors on you that are clearly not ones you are exhibiting
I would suggest you get connected with a good counselor who could help you explore your low propensity to trust and what drives it. You can learn how to trust others and experience the fullness of relationships that you deserve. Being gay has led many people to openly be hostile against me, in workplaces, and many fake friends dumped me once they found out I was gay.
Then add the fact that they badmouth and in doing so, they force complete strangers to form negative thoughts about me that are not true. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. It takes courage to share your experiences and I appreciate it. A thought that comes to mind is that you have to be true to yourself.
Surrounding yourself with people who are trustworthy and supportive of you is important. I hope you have people in your life who can walk alongside you in this manner. Thai was a good read. I fall into the 1 and 3 reasons. I always kinda knew issues from past relationships most likely had something to do with it.
Mainly because I was always the laid back person that just wanted everyone to get along. As I got older I got tired of being that person and became a bit cold. I guess because people who knew me just expected that of me, especially my now ex wife. I always felt she took advantage of that. After getting burned by my entire family and most recently my daughter and her husband , I certainly will no longer trust anyone. She convinced me that it would be fine if I wanted to leave the state I was living in and live with them temporarily until work could be found. It was really only so they could use me for what little money I had and leave me without.
So, now I am job hunting with no car and no bus service and trying to find somewhere to live. My prayer is that God will show you a path forward and your trust and faith in others will be renewed. I find it hard to stay close to anyone … Trust erodes with time spent and I find that very depressing. Its too much for me to dig out the most bottom reason but this has led me avoiding social situations. As you read in my article, having unrealistic expectations is one of the main reasons people find it hard to trust others. Having unrealistic expectations, particularly unspoken ones, of how another person should act usually sets the relationship up for failure.
Try adjusting your expectations and see how that works for you. You are commenting using your WordPress. You are commenting using your Twitter account. You are commenting using your Facebook account. Notify me of new comments via email. Notify me of new posts via email. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. Leading with Trust Trust is the essential ingredient for leadership success. Like Liked by 2 people Reply. Hi David, Traumatic experiences have the potential to shape us in profound ways, both negatively and positively. Best wishes, Randy Like Like.
Like Liked by 1 person Reply. Michael, Thank you for the thoughtful response. Hi John, Thanks for sharing your perspective. I hope that provides a little nuance to the discussion. Thanks again for adding your insights. Hello Raff, I appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences. My best, Randy Like Like. Hello Andrea, I appreciate your bravery in sharing your story. Randy Like Liked by 1 person. Randy, In my humble opinion, you are exactly right, both in diagnosis and in recommendations.
Charlie Like Like Reply. Thank you, Charlie, for your feedback. It means a great deal to me coming from you. Take care, Randy Like Like Reply. Thanks for adding to the discussion. Perhaps not enough folks: Actions definitely speak louder than words when it comes to building trust. Thank you for taking the time to comment, Randy Like Like Reply. Randy Like Like Reply. I appreciate your insights.
Hi Daniel, Thank you for taking the time to comment. I can see this topic strikes close to home for you. My best to you, Randy Like Like Reply. Thanks for taking the time to add your insights, Randy Like Like Reply. Best regards, Randy Like Like Reply. Hi Brandon, The good news is that learning to trust others is a skill you can develop. Hi Dave, Thanks for sharing your heart-felt thoughts.
3 Reasons You Find It Hard To Trust People
A couple thoughts for you to consider: I hope these suggestions were helpful. Thanks for your honest insights. Thanks for your comments. Randy, I find it difficult to trust even my family members. Randy, My personality lends itself to trust people initially. Is it likely that people whom are more trusting are in fact more trustworthy? Christi Like Like Reply. Hi Christine, Thank you for such a thoughtful question. Hope that helps answer your question. Best wishes, Randy Like Like Reply. Hi David, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.
And THIS is why I suggest that your article can appear a little victim-blaming, even if it was not intended to… The developing child has very little control over many people with whom it has contact. Hello Ella, Thanks for your thoughtful comments. I hope that clarifies my point of view. Thanks again for your thought-provoking message. Shane Like Like Reply.
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Hi Shane, I respectfully disagree with you. Randy, To be honest with you, reasonable trust to have depends greatly on the situation. Hi Alan, I appreciate your perspectives and you make some good points. Thanks for adding your insights to this discussion. Hello Chyna, Learning to trust again can be a difficult process. This was a good article to read Like Like Reply. Hi Milinda, Thank you for sharing your heartfelt comments. Well, kindness, forgiveness, and trust are three distinct factors of our relationships.
I hope that is helpful. Best wishes to you. Hi Leslie, Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Best of luck to you. And life is only a collection of your experiences… Like Like Reply. Hi Gregory, Thanks for sharing your viewpoints. Have you trusted people only to have them let you down?
Too many times in too many different situations… Like Like. Your message means a great deal to me. Best wishes to you! Hello Scott, I appreciate how real and honest you are being in your post. Hi Joe, I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. My best, Randy Like Like Reply. Thanks for sharing your experiences Mike.
Maybe I have unrealistic expectation of friends or maybe I just have too low self esteem… Its too much for me to dig out the most bottom reason but this has led me avoiding social situations Like Like Reply. Hello Ali, As you read in my article, having unrealistic expectations is one of the main reasons people find it hard to trust others. What do you think? Cancel reply Enter your comment here Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Email required Address never made public.
Receive new posts via email Join 15, other followers. Follow me on Twitter My Tweets. Join the Trust Alliance. Thanks, Ken for making the world a better place. Servant Leadership in Action—Chapter 7: My organization, consulting and research firm Great Place to Work, has spent more than two decades studying and celebrating the best workplaces around the world.
Since we have produced the annual Fortune Best Companies to Work For list as well as other best workplaces lists. We, along with other scholars, have documented the way the Best have outperformed peers in terms of profitability, revenue growth, stock performance, and other key business measures. But we also see a shift to a new era— a new frontier in business. This largely uncharted territory is about developing every ounce of human potential so that businesses can reach their full potential.