She stayed busy as a church volunteer and as a babysitter to her grandchildren. In her eighties she was still spending twelve hour days at the Greek Festival making loukoumades and selling pastries. In her late eighties my grandmother had a stroke. The years that followed brought dementia that slowly took away the fiercely independent woman we knew.
She was a version of my grandmother, a woman who was still kind, who still prayed, and who still loved having her nails painted.
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But this version of my grandmother spoke less and less, came in and out of awareness, had to be reminded who we were, and could no longer care for herself. And yet I remember so well thinking that we had been saying goodbye over the past six years, as she had slowly slipped away. Though she had still been with us in body, we had been slowly mourning the loss of her personality, her independence, her memory, and her awareness for years. Remembering who she had been, it was like we had been watching her fade away.
Here is the thing about grief — though we think of it as something that happens after a death, it often begins long before death arrives. It can start as soon as we become aware that death is a likelihood. Once death is on the horizon, even just as a possibility, it is natural that we begin to grieve.
Though this is different than the grief that follows a death, anticipatory grief can carry many of the symptoms of regular grief — sadness, anger, isolation, forgetfulness, and depression. We are aware of the looming death and accepting it will come, which can bring an overwhelming anxiety and dread.
This grief is not just about accepting the future death, but of the many losses already occurring as an illness progresses. When we know a death is imminent our bodies are often in a state of hyper-alertness — we panic whenever the phone rings, an ambulance must be called, or when our loved one deteriorates.
This can become mentally and physically exhausting. The same is true of watching a loved one suffer, which is almost always part of a prolonged illness. Caring for them as they suffer takes an emotional toll on us. These things and others can contribute to a sense of relief when the death eventually comes, and a guilt that can come with that relief. These feelings are common and totally normal when someone has experienced an anticipated death.
And yet we feel guilty for this relief, thinking it diminishes our love for the person. We sometimes need to consciously remind ourselves that the relief does not change the deep love we had for the person, rather it is a natural reaction to the illness. There have been numerous studies showing that anticipatory grief can reduce the symptoms of grief after a death but, as always with grief, there are no rules. There will be times that anticipatory grief may reduce the intensity of grief following a loss, then there are many times that the grief following a death is not impacted at all.
For a great review of the research on anticipatory grief and understanding of why much of the data conflicts , see this article by Reynolds and Both a. On the flip side, if you do not feel your grief is diminished despite it being an anticipated death, that is totally normal too! There is no formula for how an anticipated loss will impact us because we all grieve differently. Hey, we have a print resource on this topic. Click on the image below for details. Have you had experience with anticipatory grief?
Leave a comment — we are all a little better when we can learn from one another. I was diagnosed of Emphysema COPD in and I have tried all possible means to get cured, i even visited pulmonologist but all to no avail, until i saw a post in a health forum about a herbal doctor from Africa who prepare herbal medicine to cure all kind of diseases including Emphysema, at first i doubted if it was real but decided to give it a try, when i contacted this herbal doctor via their website, he sent me the Emphysema herbal medicine through courier service, when i received this herbal medicine, he gave me step by instructions on how to apply it, when i applied it as instructed i was totally cured of this deadly disease within 5 weeks of usage, if you are suffering of this diseases you can as well Contact this great herbal doctor on their website at: Somewhere God bless you all.
For 6 mths my mother had been in and out hospital. On the 14 September she was re admitted to hospital, and sadly passed away on the 29 September, 4 days after her 81st birthday. When I received the phone call I remember feeling relieved for her and myself. It had been a hard watching my mum fade before me, the last 2 wks watching her slowly dying before me was torture. Since her passing there has been very few tears, no feeling of loss, i did my greiving before she died.
To the person who just 5 days ago asked, how can I acknowledge the fact that my father is dying? I too have ignored the fact that my dad is dying, even though he does not have a terminal illness other than something called Aging. Only 6 weeks ago my daddy was an active, healthy 65 year old man. He has inoperable liver cancer, it came on so fast and has stolen so much of him already!! I find myself choking on screams that I cannot let fly. I feel like someone has kicked my feet out from under me and sucker punched me at the same time. When they gave us the news I ran away, just got up and ran away… I had to put some distance between me and the news that my vibrant, beloved, funny dad who was able to survive a car falling on him is not going to be able to beat this, but the pain was ahead of me, everywhere I turned it was there, no escape.
The days are bright and sunny and I feel like I am caught in this bubble filled with a raging storm. How can the days fly by like this? How can we have already got to the point where nothing can be done, we only just found out about the cancer?? Its all so surreal!! This is the first time I have admitted that my father is dying… have I just signed his death warrant?!! Am I going crazy? I want someone to tell me this is all just a mistake… that my father is not going to be taken away… but unfortunately that will not happen.
How do I describe the emotions… anger, determination, unconditional love, fear, hurt that goes deeper than my bones, lost…. Grief for me is being estranged from parents who abused us growing up. My brother died as a young child leaving myself and my older sister to fend for ourselves. I have seen evil growing up in that home. I had my dog murdered.
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We almost were too. My sister somehow forgave them as most survivors do and they all blame me for the past. I tried to kill myself a few times due to memories. Since they are pillars of the community no one believes me. I suffered from anticipatory grief in February of this year when my great Dane was diagnosed with osteosarcoma. I have suffered on and off with mild depression but by far suffered from the worst depression known to me during that time.
It took me days to find the strength to educate myself and step back to look at our situation and what we can control. We went through with amputation, holistic healing and absolutely smothered my sweet boy with love. This past Friday we lost him due to heart failure, and although it has been difficult, I have suffered significantly less than in February. We feel at peace that his suffering would never return to him, and that we would never have to make the decision to help him to rest.
He made that decision on his own and we were there to support him in his transition to the other side. I am extremely thankful for my experience with anticipatory grief, simply because without it I know at this time I would be suffering those same feelings, plus more due to the steady decline and limited time to prepare for the end. I can now focus on what good things we brought to his life and what amazing things we brought to his in his short time with us.
We saved him from a terrible situation and saved his troubled soul to give him everything and more he could ever possibly need. My 12 year old beagle was diagnosed with kidney failure on late Oct The vet told us to spend more time with him and did not recommend any treatment as he is old and the risk are high. He has not been eating since 29 nov. And today is 5 December. He is only drinking milk. I think it will be time to go soon. After reading Ur post I m trying to be more positive.
I want his suffering to end and I hope that he can go peacefully. He has helped me stay healthy, helped me through grief, we have literally walked thousands of miles together, seen countless sunsets and full moons. Have sat solitary side by side looking out to sea at night. I was trying to describe the dread I feel watching his decline and the exhaustion of 24 hour Care unsuccessfully These posts capture it Anticipatory grief. I had my first child in April and that has somehow made me hyper aware of their mortality. I am an only child and extremely close to my parents so I know that losing them will be life changing.
Thank you for that. Finally i began to panic and called my doctor, he told me to get used to it. He said I would be on Prednisolone my whole life. At that point my life messed up and began to do a lot of research. There was no diet involved, no side effect which was extremely marvelous. After the first 4 weeks of usage, my shortness of breath, chest tightness and cough disappeared completely.
My COPD was totally reversed after 6 weeks of usage. No matter what I try, I never seem to be enough for her. My efforts are unnoticed or dismissed, not appreciated, mocked, and even criticized; she never asks how I am or how my family is; she never initiates any contact with me no phone calls or included in her plans ; our conversations are brief and superficial; I regularly offer assistance to her and even that is not graciously accepted.
Such a sad possibility, to have these lasting memories of her final days, weeks, months. I realize that I can only be responsible for my own actions and have tried valiantly to soften her reactions, but walking on eggshells is a tricky business. Does anyone else have similar challenges with their Mom? If yes, how were you able to cope with these sad times? Any advice would be gratefully welcomed.
Over the last three years I gradually became the primary caregiver for my wife. I had seen her through legal blindness to surgery that restored her sight. I had watched her develop congestive heart failure, lymphedema in both legs and, near the end, kidney failure. I look back and realize that for several months this was exactly what I was going through. I would find myself crying for no apparent reason. I was frustrated that there was nothing I could do to solve this problem.
There seemed to be no treatment that improved the situation. At the end the only thing I could do was sit by her side for the last four days in the hospital where she died on Christmas Eve. The grief is not lessen but I can certainly see that I was anticipating my loss for months if not years before.
Thanks for the article and for helping me see a part of me here. It has been almost 14years since my parents died. My Mom was the caregiver of my Dad. He was diagnosed with hypertension at 17 years old, so he was not drafted for Vietnam. So u all know that those two diseases are like seeds to a tree…they branch off into heart failure, strokes, blindness, amputations, kidney failure etc. Well, my Dad had the kidney failure first, then came an amputation.
At 54 years old, she had a massive stroke and died two days later. My sister then moved in with my Dad to keep an eye on him. He could still take care of himself for the most part. But there were still the occasional ambulance calls in the middle of the night because his glucose would drop too low. Again, not taking good care of himself. He started on peritoneal dialysis at home. He then had to go on hemo dialysis.
This man could once lift my sister and I at the same time, while we sat on each foot…now can barely lift his walker. Watching him deteriorate before our eyes was extremely difficult. I have experienced both sudden death and lengthy illness death. They both knock you for a loop. My Dad died at 59 after the failure of a double kidney transplant. I felt so guilty for feeling relieved that there would be no more ambulance calls or long stays at hospitals. It took counseling to finally be ok with those feelings.
I too felt horrible for being relieved. I was 34 when Mom died and 36 when Dad died. I still have moments. I think I always will. But I am ok with those moments. My mom has been a a beautiful strong wonderful person but she has been deteriorating over the last two years. I am an only child and have been taking this very hard. My husband and friends have been doing their best to be supportive but I cry all the time I hurt all the time and I keep falling into a darker depression.
This post helps me understand a little of what I am feeling. I get its life but to have such an unknown disease leaves me with so many unanswered questions. Thank you so much for this wonderful article. I live in London, she lives in the Midlands — an hours train journey away.
After emergency admission to hospital earlier this week, she was tired, drained, reflective. She shared with me how hard it is getting old. She talked about no longer feeling able to do the things she once took for granted. I could only listen and offer comfort where I could. On my journey back to London I wrote this:. Skin Puckered like a mouth preparing to offer a kiss. Skin Folding like a gentle landscape of human contour lines Fragile.
If I touched it, that skin, would it turn to powder under my finger tips, become dust? Hands Pale Almost translucent Pigment slowly fading Nails, still beautiful Fashioned into crescent moons A residue of red nail varnish still evident. You use these hands to think Increasingly they flutter as you grasp in the corners of your mind for a name, a word, a memory. Your index finger sometimes gently pointing, tapping as you reach deep into the years. That same finger conducting your own inner orchestra.
Mouth Firm, but soft — especially when deep in thought Fully formed — showing still the beauty of your youth. I search your lips desperate to find me, to find something we share. In my mind I return to the first time I kissed you — taken by surprise at the softness of your lips. Kisses we may not remember. Kisses forever imprinted in our souls. Voice Gentle Hesitant You still speak for yourself, increasingly we speak not for you, but with you.
A voice still strong with that beautiful Jamaican lilt — evidence of birth, heritage, history. Your pronunciation still makes me laugh sometimes. Sayings built on our Jamaican culture continue to educate and reassure. Last time you sang for me. Became a girl again.
Sang an old Sankey hymn You began shakily, voice wobbling. You hit your stride. I saw and heard you as never before. Laughter How I love to hear you laugh. Laughing with such mischief, often not recognising your own unique brand of humour. Sharing old family tales, Uncle Manny, Miss Molly, great grandparents, lost loves.
Laughter sometimes tinged with sadness — laughter nonetheless. I leave you at the door. Instructing to stay inside, keep warm. I hold you as you once held us. I touch your skin. No, not dust, not powder. I am so grateful to have found your website; it has helped me already. Such a great resource.
Signs that death is near
I attend all her medical appointments and deal with the issues at the nursing home. I offer my help to her every time we visit. Yet during this time she has shown no appreciation towards me; her anger and disregard for anything I do keeps getting worse. In fact her actions are quite hurtful to me. Actions speak volumes, right? No explanation was offered by her, nor apology or acknowledgement that I should have been present at this special event. It was a very sad Holiday for my husband and I he felt hurt by this omission too.
For my entire life, she has never been overtly affectionate towards me, nor supported my endeavors, not proud of my accomplishments education, career, etc. She is definitely closer to my older brother and is capable of being loving to others. Yet I am never good enough to get a glimmer of this from her. I desperately long for precious memories to help me survive her future loss and I earnestly continue to pray for a loving mother at least not so mean , but I have difficulty accepting that this may not ever actualize.
Despite all this lamenting, I believe I am holding up as well as can be expected. The extensive topics you have included here on this website are so useful with coping and understanding my anticipatory grief. I am a very private person and this form of communication works best for me. I have a brother who is an addict. He has a blood infection and sepsis. He was hospitalized, but left the hospital on his own. He has no phone, there is no way to contact him.
I am feeling such grief, because his condition is life threatening. I live with my mother, and she is also grieving. My worst fear is he is going to die, and we will not have closure. The drugs he is on have turned him into a different person. He used to be funny, kind and a gentle soul. The drugs made him short tempered, and he has outbursts of anger. The day he left I said some harsh things to him, and I feel so bad. There is no way for me to apologize to him. I have no one to talk to.
I am crying all the time, I feel so bad. Hi Mandy, I revisit this site often…my eldest son is an addict and it helps me to read this article to some way justify, or at some point, understand what I am feeling and bring some normalcy to it. I am now to a point where I can play the different scenarios in my head without carrying the full weight of guilt.
No amount of action we took, or money we spent, or pain we felt, was going to persuade him to stop using. We love them and want the best for them. I have two children and have also watched the affects my eldest and his addiction has had on my youngest. My youngest is hurting more on the inside than he is willing to show on the outside. The responsibility for all of this falls to your brother. Before you two can even visit about what was said out of anger and frustration, he must first deal with his addiction.
He must first be humbled in his discretions before he will even begin to understand what he has put you through. Remember, he is not in his right mind, it has been altered.. But for your peace of mind you have to let it go. I spend a majority of my time on my knees praying for my sons recovery. I will pray for you and your brother. I just saw my dad after a year. He has COPD as well. He was such a vibrant man, so intelligent and funny and wonderful.
He still is wonderful. I know I will lose my mind. I keep thinking each Christmas will be the last, but I think this one will be. How does one cope. My coping skills were always drugs. I am 48 and fell like a child. My parents have been my best friends my whole life. I am so lost. Why do we have to face this in life? I love him so much. How are you guys doing with your situations? I was grateful to learn about anticipatory grief.
A friend finally recognized it and shared her own experience as well as our hospice team has helped me. I often feel so alone and isolated and have virtually no help. Some days I fight bitterness, but I love him with all my heart and am honored to care for him as I know he would me. Hi blogger, i must say you have hi quality posts here. Your website can go viral. You need initial traffic boost only. How to get it? Thank you for the information. It is bang on and I am learning not to feel guilty about my feelings anymore.
My father just passed at 92, after 10 months of decline — slow, and then more rapid — which my mother did not see. I spent a lot of the last year in hospital rooms, rehab facilities, and the ER with both parents, and driving them to appointments, shopping for them, etc.. My year-old mother has early dementia, and now caregiving shifts over to her. My 47 yr old son is a cancer survivor from age 6. His whole head radiation treatment as a child cured him but has produced slow and severe accumulating adverse side effects.
After all these years of worrying and caring for him intermittently he is now in a nursing home with a trake and a food tube and only has movement in head neck and one arm after having a bad stroke. I am very emotionally worn and have a very broken heart and honestly see no relief for either him or me until he passes. And then I wonder how much life I have left. And my two other children are so needy. Sending love to you,Peni, and to all of us dealing with stress, getting prepared for and in the middle of grief. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 Lung Cancer and I was her support team. We had 71 days, from the time we found out, until she was gone.
They were there for both of us. They could see me struggle, they knew I was grieving already, even before I did. I suffered from anxiety, still do, and the fear of what life would be like without her there. My husband beat prostate cancer and melanoma, then got head and neck cancer and endured many surgeries and radiation over the past three years. In January he was told it was in both lungs, his neck, and his head, and nothing could be done. Two days later I was diagnosed with breast cancer, had surgery, and will need further treatment.
We have each other, and old dog, and no other family. He has Hospice care at home. All is on me, and I must be able to handle it all. I do not know what to say. Often doctors are poor at validating emotions and practical difficulties that come up with illnesses. Nurses and social workers have a much better understanding.
Things to Remember When Dealing with Anticipatory Grief
I wish I could come around and just be there for you. I wish there is someone that is able to do that for you two. Did the doctor arrange any social worker or home visit nurse or similar for you as well aside from services put in place for your husband. Things like household cleaning, meals, doing dishes, grocery shopping etc.
Do you have someone you could talk to, someone who would just listen, even if they are not able to arrange for any services? Gentle hugs and much love to you and your husband. If you happen to see this message and are able to reply here, I am here to just listen. And I am sure others too will be glad to listen and perhaps find out services available to you in your location? Helen—my husband has Parkinsons, has had it for 9 years and only in the past 12 months has it gotten worse. He is on hospice too, and they have been great providing a variety of resources, some have helped a bit, some not so much.
I am a caregiver of 20 years for my father and let me tell you I was so relieved to learn about this kind of grief. Pray to him he will comfort you. I will continue to spread your mighty work you did for me. Only if you can contact Him right away on his email: I am in a double bubble. My mom died unexpectedly 3 months ago today…. My dad started Hospice a week ago. He is extremely bossy for the younger sibling. As a single mom, I feel asking for help , even financially might be ok. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer back in , before I was to get married.
Both my parents are toxic people guess this makes it a little bit more complicated. However, just last week, my dad was rushed to the hospital from what he thought was a heart attack. It is the cancer. The doctors told him and my mom that this part of the journey is coming to an end and he may only have weeks to maybe a month. They brought him home last week and set up hospice. For the first time, I saw regret. He regretted not going to the doctor years ago when he thought he was sick. I have been angry and crying, and feeling rather horrible at times because of wishing this was already over.
However, my parents mistreated me and my siblings, so it is making this harder in some ways. I do visit and call more, but I still have to keep boundaries and keep my emotional guard up because regardless of this current situation, my parents still act the same well, more so my mom, but my dad is finally showing some signs of compassion towards another human being. Anticipatory grief really really really sucks.
Im 17 and my mum has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer that is now in her bones. Why me, im 17, most people my age their biggest problems in life are how their boyfriend cheated on them or how their parents refused to get them mcdonalds. I pray often for answers because i feel like maybe God honestly hates me but i know these are all irrational thoughts and that people have it worse and hurting myself is only going to make people who are already hurting hurt even more.. Life can honestly change in the blink of an eye and i feel guilty for every single second i ever took for granted before April I believe this whole rough patch of my teenage years will only make me a stronger, better person in the future..
Very dear one, please contact a guidance counsellor, church, or child welfare or hospice facility and ask for help of a therapist to talk with. Do it now, and no self harming, ok? Sending love from California. I have been diagnosed with COPD for over 7 years. A couple of months ago it got harder and harder to breathe.
All medication prescribed by my doctor were not working. In November i read in a health forum of a herbal clinic NewLife Herbal Clinic who sell herbal remedy to cure diseases including COPD, i immediately contacted the herbal clinic via their website and purchased the COPD herbal remedy. I used the herbal remedy for 7 weeks all my symptoms were reversed, i did another lungs function test and CT scan to be sure, my doctor confirmed my airway are repaired, visit www. I would just like to share that it is not only our human family and friends who can cause us to feel this way.
Our animal companions can be so close to us also and will often face illness and death long before us. My Golden Retriever Barley is only 10 years old. Many live to be 14 and that is what I had mentally prepared myself for. But he is showing weakness in his hind quarters and, though he is still quite alert and happy and still goes for a daily walk, I know I must be seeing his ageing and eventual death much sooner than I had prepared for. His weakness came on in a course of a few months. He can no longer run for a ball and it creases me to watch other dogs running happily on the beach when I know he cannot.
It was not meant to happen like this; not yet. And yet Barley is showing me that whatever I may feel about this, he lives from day to day and moment to moment. If he fails to walk up a step, he waits a while and has another go. He still rolls around in the woods and sniffs and investigates along the way. Live in the moment; every moment. And so we spend as much quality time together as we can. I have moved other interests and commitments around his needs and withdrawn from some activities so that we can spend time together, experience training together he is a nose dog and so he can enjoy the benefits of hydrotherapy, which helps him to maintain muscle and mobility.
I will miss him when he passes. I miss him now. But he is teaching me to live each moment as it is given and not bark at shadows — until our paths part. Your story of Barley actually made me smile. I lost my dear black Lab, Riley, in June, after 14 loyal years together. I now recognize I had anticipatory grief with her, too. Anticipatory grief is a powerful emotion and I never even knew it had a name. I would like to apprentice while you amend your site, how could i subscribe for a blog website?
The account helped me a acceptable deal. I had been a little bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered bright clear idea. I lost my nan almost 2 years ago come April, and despite not knowing at the time she was my pride and joy. Now almost 16, I still keep memories of her in my mind. Everyone says I used to look like her, and I appreciate it as she was and still is one of my favourite people to ever exist. I was already grieving when my mum stayed in appalic state after stroke and heart problem and 40 min resuscitation.
She is in the early stages and only has problems with short-term memory. She broke her hip last month and after surgery went into a nursing home for rehab. My sister has medical POI and I am the alternate. I have financial POA and my sister is the alternate. My mother also has degenerative bone disease and will never walk without a walker or wheelchair. I want to bring my mom home to live with me. My sister says, since she has the right to make medical decisions, I cannot remove my mom from the nursing home.
Is my sister really the only one who can legally remove my mom from the nursing home? I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. It does crazy things to you…. This is such a helpful article. I feel normal for the first time in this horrendous process — and less guilty. Dear viewers Do you think of getting a Financial help are you seriously in need of an urgent loan? Do you think of starting your own business,Are you in debt.? We have Quality Rick Simpson Cannabis oil and medical marijuana for smokers, cancer cure, insomnia, Diabetes,Herpes,back pain, to reduce stress and other illness.
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My name is Karina Morales ,i want to shout a very big thanks to Priestess Kukuye for helping me to get pregnant and now i have a baby girl and i am heavy with a boy inside of me. She gave me just oil from his temple to drink and today i am a happy mother. My wife was diagnosed with Vascular disease, and she has diabetes.
She has had one leg amputated below the knee, and half of her other foot. She is forgoing dialysis as well. We have an 11Year old daughter and the thought of her losing her mother scares me. I have dealt with many deaths and losses in my life but none made me feel the way I do now. I cry more now than I ever have in my life. As I care for my wife and my daughter I feel very lonely. I have dived into my job and worked more to help keep my mind occupied and not feel so sad.
Also, if there is anyone out there that is dealing with the same thing, I hope it helps to realize that you are not the only one. Feel free to contact me through this forum and we could talk. Help each other out. Please pray for me and my family as I will pray for all of you. Thank you for this article, it has helped me understand so much of my experience of my mum dying.
She too had a stroke and I believe I began grieving before she died. At the funeral I felt relief and peace, relief that neither she nor I are suffering any longer and peace that she is I believe back with my dad who died 8 years ago and she was never quite the same after wards. But I feel so guilty for not being heartbroken. Over this last devastating year I watched her go from an independent person, to a disabled and incontinent shadow of herself. Yes, there were glimpses of the old mum but I feel as if I lost her last year. My sister was very upset, but she lives away and has little idea of the reality of the responsibility that I felt and the distress of seeing the daily suffering of my mum.
I saw mum every day she was in hospital and then, a nursing home as I could not care for her, her needs were so high. I almost feel happy for my mum that she no longer suffers. I feel comforted to read this thread as now I do not feel so much like there is something wrong with me. I just want to say thank you. I had been told by someone briefly a while back that what I have been experiencing was grief for my mum even though she is still alive. My mum has been fighting cancer for 16 years, I have spent over half my life in a state that ranges from varying levels of anxiety, low mood, anger, sadness.
Looking back always when there was a change in treatment, in progression of her cancer. Most recently a couple of days ago we were told that the treatment she is having is not making any difference and she has a couple of months left to live. Nothing ever prepares you for being told someone you love has a certain amount of time to live.
She even had her kidneys and bladder removed a year and a half ago to get rid of the cancer, with the hope of being clear long enough to get a transplant. I hope they and many other people who are going through something like this find this page just like I did, at exactly the right time. I even started journalling today. Thank you for this entire site… I have been dealing with all this sadness and frustration since Nov I am an only child, I have 4 children, ages 23, 19, 17, and My mom has lived with me for the past 10 years, and my 23 year old daughter dropped out of college to be the primary caregiver to her Grandma so I could still work fulltime.
Now her friends are graduating, and she has become a hermit, will not go anywhere or talk to any of her friends. The whole family has changed. My dad passed away 16 years ago this May of Liver Cancer, which I got to experience up close and personal with a newborn in my arms, nursing in a hospice, I didnt have the support of my children back then, as they were babies themselves.
Even watching my son graduate last year was more a chore than a joy. Worrying about my mom, could he see him from where she had to it, was she cold, should I be up there or down here where I can take his picture…? My life has become a series of doubts… I used to be very happy go lucky. My mom has always been my best friend. Now, I feel this immense loss, when she is still here, but her personality has changed so much. I weep while I type this, I feel guilty that instead of enjoying the fact she is still here, I am crying because I miss her. She has always been my goto for advice.
Now I have no goto. Her reasoning has become short, she is on so much medication. I have gained 70 lbs since her stroke, I have aged so much, my entire body hurts all the time, I have severe migraines, I see a therapist every week. Been going through this process for over 2 years now with my 85 year-old mom. She was the paragon of health for most of her life; has outlived all but 2 the youngest of her 10 siblings, and has reached the highest age in several generations of her family. That is, until 2 years ago when she wound up in the ER twice in one week. Since then some pieces have been coming together in the puzzle of some of her behaviors in the past seven years.
Minor car accidents, inability to balance her checkbook, strange out of character seemingly decisions on a personal level. Since the events of 2 years ago I feel as though I have been pre-grieving her. I have spent weeks, days, and hours with her, discussing her wishes for the rest of her life, after death, hopes and asking if she has fears of dying. I start when the phone rings, especially after 9 pm or before 7 am, I feel guilty that I sometimes am so exhausted in untangling some of the messes she makes with telephone solicitors and scammers true evil, vultures in our society that I wish it all would just stop.
Some therapists have said you cannot anticipate grief. But I know you can. Thank you for this article and a place to express feelings. He went through 4 yrs of treatment. This article was helpful to me as I ride the emotional roller coaster of grieving for my precious love. Wondering when I will be able to look at his photos or memory boxes that I will make with no more tears. Being overly sentimental, I imagine this will be a long process. I appreciate all the info.
Omg, I thought I was so wrong getting relieved when my son died. He was a drug addict and I was literally running almost everyday for him, to him, whatever the case may be. I was so mentally and physically exhausted. Than I would cry and hate myself for even the thought. But I was just so tired.
He consumed me in every way possible. I am a recovering addict that choose to get out of that way of life. I prayed everyday that something would give.
That he would finally get it. I got that unwanted call that no parent EVER wants to get. But I knew, I knew this call was coming. Than my whole life stopped. In a way I felt relieved. But than I felt so freaking bad for feeling that way. I am so relieved to know that this is normal. I thought I was the only one that felt this was. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Thank you so much. I experienced this prior to the death of my husband. I had no idea other people dealt with this or that there was a name for it. It also helped me stop feeling guilty about the slight sense of relief I had after he died.
I have learn so much reading articles like this about grief. I was the mother of a 5 year old boy and a teacher. I took some time off work to care for Joe. I did not know about anticipatory grief…all I could think about about was Joe is dead…the dead man walking…. I had such a difficult time to be physically close to him. I still took care of him but I felt guilty of not being able to be close to him physically.
My son took over that task! Joe gave it all to fight this horrible monster but after 18 months he passed away. It will be 6 years in 2 days since his death…I have moved away from the big city and moved to a small community where it is much easier to raise a child as a single parent. Sam is now 13 and an amazing young man. Joe would be proud of us. I have learn not to be so hard on myself…watching your partner suffer and die can bring you into an unknown sea of emotions that are alien to you.
I am still seeing a counsellor to help me sort out emotions that are too hard for me to tackle on my own…and that is ok Thank for this blog. One of my oldest and closest friends is dying of lung cancer, at age It had spread to his brain and spine, and treatment was stopped a few weeks ago. To see this tough, sharp ex-Marine reduced to a shell of his former self is devastating. I visited last week and he begged me to take him home. He stopped eating over the weekend, and since he has an advance directive, he will be receiving comfort measures only.
We have a large group of friends, so that support network is there. Thanks for this blog, and for reading. I am experiencing anticipatory grief. My sister has stage IV metastatic breast cancer that has spread everywhere. I go through sudden times of overwhelming emotion. After I regain control, I am fine for days, weeks or even months. She wants only positivity around her. I tried explaining that people being upset is actually a positive because it shows how much they care about her.
So, I hide my emotions around her. It is so hard going through this. I kept hoping it would get easier over time. Two years has passed and I am still having the same bouts of emotion randomly. I feel guilt for feeling grief when she is not gone. My sister had stage II breast cancer a few years ago. We are very different so it was hard at first to find the right balance when interacting with her. But in the end, I think it made us closer.
I found that I expressed my emotions best when I did things to help her — accompany her to treatments, run errands — rather than say things, if that makes any sense. My mother-in-law passed away a month ago after 17 years in nursing homes. Her body was a prison to her due to crippling RA, cancer, and strokes, but her mind and personality were intact until about 5 months before her death.
My brother has multiple chronic conditions that have worsened severely in the last few years and is now in hospice care. Doctors predicted he would not live past childhood, but he is now Unfortunately, he is also now totally bedfast, swollen, too weak to even sit upright on his own, bowel and bladder incontinent, and his skin is now breaking down all over his body from poor circulation creating open ulcers. He moans and cries at times, unable to communicate what hurts or how he feels.
At his last hospital stay a month ago, we were told his heart, lungs, and kidneys are in the process of shutting down. But now his suffering has reached a new depth, and I feel that I am slowly dying inside along with him. Even with all his disabilities and inability to communicate, he and I share a deep emotional bond. Thank you for sharing your insight and experience. She was being managed where I worked. I had already started to call my uncle to tell him to prepare. First ever panic attack…and so I grieved her loss.
The next morning, my colleague called…. I was dangerously calm and I stayed that way for about 2 months. It helped grieving before hand, but nobody told me about the delayed grief I would go through from time to time months later. Hang in there and let us know if we can ever address any specific questions you may have.
Watching A Parent Battle Cancer Is Hell On Earth Torture - Her View From Home
Thank you for writing about this. I am 46 yrs old. Within the past six months, my husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He may have 4 yrs. He may have 10 yrs. Given that cancer has traditionally, across time and across cultures, been the diagnosis people fear most, the title of the piece was enough to ensure it would be widely circulated.
People were astounded that their own terrible experiences with cancer could be described in such a glib fashion. There is nothing to romanticize. There is no mellow philosophical self reflection during that time. Instead there is fear, extended grief, hardship, suffering, enormous financial burdens.
No death could have been more cruel. Not in the slightest. It was sad of course, and was a long time coming. It has increased my joy of life as I am now part of the exclusive club of people who truly know that life will end and the only possible insurance is to enjoy the moment. Their study also quoted UK evidence indicating that dying of cancer was associated with better access to palliative care services — a finding that has been reported in other countries. Arguing the pros and cons of different ways of dying may seem a futile exercise, given that the choice of how we die is rarely ours to make.
Even those opting for suicide, whether assisted or otherwise a fifth way Smith chose not to include , cannot choose the circumstances that led them down that path. This could well pay off when the time comes, Smith told Cancer World. His father died a quick and easy death from renal cancer: He had a magnificent death. His mother, meanwhile, lives in a nursing home and has had no short-term memory for 10 years. And he did issue an apology to the people who had been angered and upset by his post. But he also points out that most health professionals who commented broadly agreed with his core argument: Whereas if you die of cancer, you can sort out things, you can say goodbye to people.
Carlos Centeno is palliative care specialist based at Navarra University Hospital, in Pamplona, who is leading efforts to map and develop palliative care services across Europe, and has 20 years of experience providing symptom relief for countless patients, particularly during their final months and weeks of life. He points out that many years before her own death, the founder of the hospice movement Dame Cicely Saunders said that if she could choose what to die of, she would choose cancer.
Centeno is clear, however, that the rose-tinted death we all aspire to is the exception rather than the rule. We all want this time, without suffering, to do what we want to do. It is very poetic to say I want to die of cancer, but a cancer that is free of pain, free of suffering, free of deterioration, free of complications, free of all that.
This is not a cancer. This is a dream. The physiological process of dying from advanced cancer follows no strict path, he says. This is unusual for kidney cancer, but then nothing is typical for kidney cancer. Any cancer can give any symptoms in any place.
Death, he says, tends to come from multiple problems that feed into one another until it becomes impossible for the body to sustain life.