He must understand that he has a choice and that he must accept the consequences of that choice. The child also needs to know the reason for the consequence; for example, it is extra work to keep food warm and inconsiderate of other family members. It is important, too, that parents be willing to accept the child's decision; that is, they must be willing to allow the child to go without dinner if he chooses to miss the meal.
Why Punishment Doesn't Work
A general rule of thumb is: Natural consequences allow children to learn from the natural order of the world. For example, if the child doesn't eat, he will get hungry. If he doesn't do his homework, he will get a low grade. The parent allows unpleasant but natural consequences to happen when a child does not act in a desirable way. Logical consequences are arranged by parents. The consequence must logically follow the child's behavior. For example, not having clean clothes to wear is a logical consequence of not placing dirty clothes in the hamper.
Kristin left her dirty clothes on the floor and never placed them in the dirty clothes bag as mother requested. Nagging, scolding, and threatening did no good. Kristin continued to leave her dirty clothes on the floor. Mother decided to use logical consequences. She told Kristin, in a firm and friendly voice, that in the future she would wash only clothes that were placed in the bag. After five days, Kristin had no clean clothes to wear to school and she was very unhappy to have to wear dirty, rumpled clothes.
After that, Kristin remembered to place her clothes in the bag. Kristin's mother gave her the responsibility for placing her clothes in the proper place to be washed. If mother had relented and washed Kristin's clothes when she had not placed them in the bag, she would have deprived her of an opportunity to learn to take responsibility for herself. If parents protect children from the consequences of their behavior, they will not change their behavior. Some parents would not be willing for their child to go to school in dirty, rumpled clothes.
Only they can decide if they want to offer the child that particular consequence. Using consequences can help a child develop a sense of accountability. It leads to warmer relationships between parents and children and to fewer conflicts. The situation itself provides the lesson to the child. Parents cannot use natural consequences if the health or safety of the child is involved.
If a young child runs into the street without looking, it is not possible to wait until he is hit by a car - a natural consequence - to teach him not to run into the street. Instead, he should be taken into the house and told, "Since you ran into the street without looking, you cannot play outside now. You can come out when you decide to look before going into the street.
This is a logical consequence. Because running into the street can harm the child, he cannot play outside until he learns to play safely in the yard.
He has a choice; he can stay out of the street or he can go inside. He is given responsibility for his behavior and any consequences he experiences going inside are the result of his own behavior. You can begin giving choices as soon as the child can experience the consequence of his behavior.
For example, a very young child who plays with his food instead of eating can be lovingly removed from his highchair and told, "All done! The purpose of using consequences is to help the child learn to make decisions and to be responsible for his own behavior. Consequences are learning experiences, not punishment. For example, if father yells angrily at his child, "Put up your toys or you can't watch TV," he is not encouraging the child to make a responsible decision.
However, if he says calmly and in a friendly voice, "Stuart, feel free to watch TV as soon as your toys are picked up," he allows Stuart to make a choice.
The Key to Well-Behaved Kids Isn't Punishment. It's Discipline, and There's a Big Difference.
The secret of using consequences effectively is to stay calm and detached. Allow the consequences to be the "bad guy" - not you! Parents cannot apply consequences if they are angry. They cannot conceal their anger from the child - their voices will give them away. Try to view the situation objectively - as though the child were a neighbor's child and not your own - and administer the consequences in a firm and kindly manner.
Remember that giving a child a choice and allowing him to experience the consequences is one of the best ways that children learn. Consequences work when the child is trying to get the parent's attention by misbehaving and when children fight, dawdle, and fail to do their chores. Consequences can be used to get children to school on time, to meals on time, and to take responsibility for homework. The child learns that if he doesn't pick up his toys, he can't go out and play; if he doesn't wash his hands before meals, he won't be served any food; and if he fights with his brother while in the car, the car will be stopped until calm resumes.
It is not easy to use consequences as a way to discipline children. It is hard work to think of consequences that really are logical. And it requires lots of patience!
MORE IN LIFE
Sometimes it takes several weeks to get results. Parents are so used to telling children what to do that it is very difficult to sit back and let the child experience the consequences of his actions. The effort is well worth it, however, because you are sending a powerful message to the child that says, "you are capable of thinking for yourself.
Using consequences as a discipline method helps children learn to take responsibility for their behavior. The child must see the relationship between his misbehavior and the consequences or it will not work. Take a good look at the way you disciplined your children this week. Make a note below of each occurrence. Try using logical consequences this week. Pick some behavior that doesn't get you "uptight.
Should Parents Punish Their Children? (How to Have a Well-Behaved Child, Part 3) | HuffPost Life
Virginia Cooperative Extension materials are available for public use, reprint, or citation without further permission, provided the use includes credit to the author and to Virginia Cooperative Extension, Virginia Tech, and Virginia State University. Department of Agriculture cooperating. Virginia Cooperative Extension programs and employment are open to all, regardless of age, color, disability, gender, gender identity, gender expression, national origin, political affiliation, race, religion, sexual orientation, genetic information, veteran status, or any other basis protected by law.
Discipline for Young Children - Discipline and Punishment: What is the Difference?
- MORE IN Parenting.
- Guide to a Free Online Store Setup (The Newbies Guide);
- An age-by-age guide to disciplining your kid?
- Wie-Lesebuch (German Edition).
- How to Discipline Your Child | Working Mother.
- Napoleon Must Die (Mme Vernet Book 2)?
There are basically four kinds of punishment physical punishment - slapping, spanking, switching, paddling, and using a belt or hair brush. It is important to look at the way parents administer physical punishments. Why Punishment Doesn't Work Physical punishment usually doesn't work for several reasons. Helps the child learn self-control Can be used with teenagers Builds the child's self-esteem Sets a good example of effective ways to solve problems.
Teaches the child to deceive parents Won't work with teenagers Tears down self-esteem Teaches the child that violence is an acceptable way to solve problems.
Why do Parents Spank? Parents who spank their children rather than using other discipline methods usually say: They are mad at their husband or wife and take it out on the child. They are angry and don't stop to think of better ways to discipline. They don't know how to discipline more effectively. It relieves their feelings of frustration.
It is easier, quicker, and requires less thinking than other discipline methods. Perhaps parents who spank frequently should ask themselves: Minimize meltdowns by finding out what triggers them. If she gets upset when she has to leave the park, give her lots of warning 10 minutes, five minutes, two minutes before you start packing up. And limit visits to notorious trouble spots, such as the toy store. Take a time out: By the time your child is two, time outs can be an effective discipline tool, say the experts at the Canadian Paediatric Society.
If your tot angrily whacks his playmate over the head, take him to a designated time-out area where he can calm down and get control of himself. This age group is busy figuring out tricky social skills, such as sharing, manners and getting along with friends, says Pantley. Typical trouble spots Whining: Your preschooler is glued to the TV, ignoring your repeated attempts to call him to dinner.
Catch them being good: Your preschooler really does want to please you, so make a point of encouraging him when he answers the first time you call him or shares a favourite toy. If your child is a champion whiner, he may just be mimicking how you sound when you ask him to clean up his messy room. Typical trouble spots General compliance: Discipline tips to use with your tween Take a coach approach: Coaches use questions beginning with what and how to help team members reach their goals, says Carson.
Push the rewind button: When possible, give your child a second chance. And thank her when she gets it right, says Carson. If your eight-year-old is late for school because she had trouble getting up in the morning, make bedtime earlier the next few nights rather than revoking her TV privileges.
The best consequences are the ones whereby your child learns something. A seismic power struggle. Typical trouble spots Backtalk: These are prime years for backtalk as tweens gain independence and want to see how you respond if they exert control, says Michele Borba, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Explain your position, listen to his, and then compromise where you can. If your year-old wants to bump up his bedtime to 10 p. Use when and then: Whenever your tween uses a sassy tone or engages in yelling, name-calling, put-downs or insults , call her on it immediately, says Borba.
Typical trouble spots Major attitude: Keep setting appropriate limits: