The world will keep on spinning if you just give yourself one more day to write that letter. This letter is going to be far from perfect. Since I pride myself on being poignant, transparent, concise and articulate, for this too I apologize. This past year was tremendously challenging.
Here’s Why It Is Completely Fine To Cut Out Family Members From Your Life
I tore the meniscus in my right knee in July, spending months in physical therapy while fighting to be approved for surgery with my orthopedic cane at my side. In September I became severely depressed for the first time in my life and sought out anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications after harboring a host of disturbing suicidal thoughts. Oh, and this entire time, the country has been consistently waging war on everything and everyone I hold dear, making it harder and harder for us to just do our jobs, live our lives, and survive. But it was also one of the most amazing years of my life.
I was flown out to speak at Harvard in November on consent and relationships in the wake of a prominent campus scandal. I was instrumental in ensuring that an oppressive piece of California legislature, Proposition 60, did not pass, and I was featured on over a dozen radio shows, TV segments, and podcasts during the election cycle. I worked closely with my local Black Lives Matter chapter, from showing up to in court, to filing petitions, to shutting down highways. My partner of three years got married to one of my best friends and I was integral to the engagement and wedding plans, a unique and beautiful joy.
I beat my depression, won the battle against my insurance company for knee surgery, and have been attending weekly CoDA Co-Dependents Anonymous meetings for months. You missed out on all of that. But your obligation, as members of my immediate family, was always to love me unconditionally first. To communicate to me, frequently and transparently, that you would always be there for me, that you would always have my back. Whenever I come home, I feel discarded, invisible, and erased, and so do my partners.
The people who literally protect me and keep me alive. The people who know me best, and love me for it. The people you should all be thanking profusely, if you cared about my livelihood. I will no longer stand for it. There has been no visible evolution. Also, just as a reminder, I started dating women and working in the sex industry when I was nineteen. And I am thoroughly exhausted of waiting for you all to come around.
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Some families are united only as long as the parents are alive. People have become like machines, has no feelings. Not everyone, but mostly. Nobody knows where humanity is heading. There are degrees in all things and people are too quick to judge, point fingers and argue. No problem with cutting off abusers, but all relationships still require give and take, patience and work. Nothing and no one is perfect.
Families are being destroyed and lives ruined. All should be taking ownership of issues and using communication to improve relationships not throwing away loving, caring people. A wise person will put effort in first and learn to place boundaries and express themselves and needs in an honest way. There are two sides to every story — there are good people suffering and broken — having been devoted and loving to their children. My brother showed me this article, based on his perception of our father.
But I agree with the article, it is okay to cut a family member out who is like this. There is a reason why my brother and I hardly talk. I have a low- lifer half brother, whom I only hear from wherever he needs money. I mean he wants, like thousands. I cut him off. Go get a job, I told him. I also agree with Mary o. This is exactly what has happened with my toxic daughter. She has treated me horribly since she was a teen because I had the audacity to try and make her realize that she had to abide by some rules. Ever since then, she has fed everyone lies about me.
Unfortunately, she got away with it for over 20 years. She has cut us completely off, and sadly our grand daughters are paying the price. Sad on so many levels.
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I feel sad for her as well. Basicly throwing me to the wolves it hurt to the core but not surprised honestly my husband even mentioned later how in the past I encountered the same thing from friends n family. Being a addict yet still being able to help siblings still then not being able to get them to help when I needed them the most had Me going back n fourth with addiction. Truth is thats no excuse to continue to use what I do and plan on doing Is getting myself in a healthy place mentally emotionally and change of environment bc that is a must for me.
Owe myself so much lost time n those closet to me. I owe also a lot of people a gift of permant abstance with no explanation. I had to leave my parents.
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I still keep the door open but, they left me in a nursing home and never visited me for years. She is Gas Lighting me. I miss her terribly. I always thought family was supposed to stick together. It depends on what the family member does. Some things are unforgivable like when a sister is so greedy that she lies and sneaks behind your back to steal your inheritance that your mother wanted you to have, you cannot possibly have a relationship after that!
I moved 13 years ago thousand miles farther away…. She said, i am not a responsible person,i am not able to care about myself,i am a piece of shit…Now, i am qualified, active carer for more than 10 years…. I had to cut off ties with my brother and 2 sisters.
Very painful but after my parents died they cut me off so they could live free on our inheritance. It was the best decision Ever. Toxic people should be cut off completely. Im thinking to cut of ties my dad, for many years i suffered from physical abuse and mental abuse… but i always want to forgive him, and everytime i do he hurts me again.. I feel hes better of dead then i can live my life in peace. Who made the rule that families are suppossed to stick together?
Parents who like being in control? Parents who think they owed respect because they carried a child and raised them? If the parent is caring and supportive and loving then a child has no reason to leave or cut ties. As an adult who no longer communicates with parents I hear my parents and others who have been cut off say I and others like me are ungrateful and entitled. Toxic people not just parents always see themselves as victims.
If people do not choose to be around you, it is a reflection on you not them. My advice is work on yourself and change yourself. You spoke straight to my heart! Maybe the most toxic and abusive parents on earth. No1 is my mother, No5 is my father. I always thought that parent is always there for you, a huge hug of comfort and love. For me was like leaving constantly with my worst nightmares.
At first, it looks crazy to cut them off. In my early 30s, my body started sending me signals that all my pain was turning in a physical nuclear bomb. After 2 surgeries and 10 clean years without my parents in my life, I can say that it was not easy but worthed every second of my try. My family treated me badly from day one. I was the child my mother had out of wedlock and when she married my step dad and had my brothers and sister I was reminded constantly that I was not one of them.
I was shipped off to grandparents and camps so they could have there family without me. I left home at 17 and made a good life for myself only to have to return to their fold when my relationship broke down, leaving me a sole parent of one amazing child. I did my best to raise my son on my own and was always told how bad I was no matter how hard I tried. I was the butt of all their jokes at family gatherings and no matter how much I succeeded in my career and in raising a beautiful human being, it was never good enough.
The last straw came when I found out my brother 44 had taken candid photos of a 12yr old in the shower. My son and I called the police. The family protected him and made us out to be the bad people. I wanted nothing more to do with these toxic people. This article has helped me realise that we have made the right decision. In my case my mother was toxic and I almost have no contact with her and my father has no say and supports her always.
I had to suffer a lot when I was thrown out of their house barely 6 months after my marriage. I was 26 at that time, little did I know about life and had little money to start my newly married life.
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Now I have my own house though had to shell out a big chunk of my earnings to close the loan. At 42, I still feel for them but they sadly have not changed. I am the only child of my parents. My parents both had relations outside their marriage and spoilt my childhood when I fell in-between their fighting, and then ultimately they both came down heavily on me and my wife, sadly.
I wonder what did they achieve by doing this? I am 81 years old, mother and grandmother. They purchased an r. I tried calling and e mailing to apologize, but to no avail. I sent a Christmas card which they returned. I miss my daughter everyday, and love her. How can I forget her?
Do I just give up? Should I keep trying? You can say what you want, but a mothers love never dies. I lived with a mother who would gaslight and manipulate a situation to get what she wanted from her kids when all she had to do was ask. I was the only child of 3 that lived in the same town as my parents so my mother expected me to be at her disposal at all times.
She would use my fathers illness as a way to quilt her kids even though my father handled his heart disease quite well for over 30 years. After 19 years of marriage, my ex-husband got tired of living our life around my mothers demands. The first time I said NO to one of her crazy demands was the last time she has spoken to me.
Dear Family: I can’t have you in my life anymore, and it hurts. Oh god, does it hurt.
My siblings knew how much of my life I had given up but as long as my father was OK, it was worth it and did not understand how my mother could turn on me and do and say the things she did. I would try to talk to her in hopes of keeping the family together but I would leave feeling emotionally drained, demeaned and depressed. Fortunately, I have a husband who has stood by me then and now.
Instead of her enjoying ALL her children and grandchildren and benefiting from the love and care that she can have from our family, she will cling on to just one of her kids until she burns that bridge and then she will move to the next. It have been nearly 2 years since we spoke and I admit I miss her but not the turmoil she created in my life.
Just another way to cut into my soul. Mary Wright, you have unknowingly helped me a lot! Thank you so much for this article. You u answered all me questions and cleared my confused thoughts. I was a victim and target of 4 toxic people, all in my own family. My husband and I decided to cut them off and we moved out to live separately. Although we are now in complete peace and in control of our own lives with heightened levels of self confidence, we were still a bit in pain and confused wondering if the decision we took was right or wrong.
After reading your article, I am glad we took the right decision. No one deserves to be treated ill by such toxic people.