This and your shirt. It may morph or lie still, but its capital is always Regret, and what flushes through it is the grand canal of unfledged desires that feed into an archipelago of tiny might-have-beens that never really happened but aren't unreal for not happening and might still happen though we fear they never will.
And I thought of Ole Brit holding back so much, as we all do when we look back to see that the roads we've left behind or not taken have all but vanished. Regret is how we hope to back into our real lives once we find the will, the blind drive and courage, to trade in the life we're given for the life that bears our name and ours only. Regret is how we look forward to things we've long lost yet never really had. Regret is hope without conviction, I said. We're torn between regret, which is the price to pay for things not done, and remorse, which is the cost for having done them.
Between one and the other, time plays all its cozy little tricks. Now he and I were speaking of my father. Tomorrow, I'll think back on this moment and let the ghosts of their absence maunder in the twilit hour of the day. She could sense it very clearly: Compared to memory, every possession can only ever seem disappointing, banal, inadequate She understood me so well!
My anxiety that the present 'immediately' turned into the past so that I could love it and dream about it at leisure was just like hers, was identical.
It was 'our' vice, this: That's the moment you discover something new of yourself. That's love, cause and life. I'd known happiness there once, or maybe not happiness, but the vision of it. I wanted to see whether the place had changed at all, or whether I had changed, or whether, just by sitting with her I could make up for old loves I'd gotten so close to but had never been bold enough to seize. Always got so very close, and always turned my back when the time came. Manfred and I had dessert here so many times, especially after the movies, and before Manfred, Maud and I, because it was so hot on summer nights that we'd stop to drink fizzy lemonades here, night after night, happy to be together drinking nothing stronger.
And Chloe, of course, on those cold afternoons on Rivington Street so many years ago. My life, my real life, had not even happened yet, and all of this was rehearsal still.
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Tonight, I thought, relishing Joyce's words and feeling exquisitely sorry for myself, the time has come for me to set out on my journey westward. Then I thought of Saint Augustine's words: Late have I loved you! I thought they were all her fault. She seemed to think they were all mine. I learned from it. I leaned into it to step out of it. Scared young woman running through a forest at night, looking back.
“Look back, and smile on perils past!”
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Look back, and smile on perils past. - Walter Scott - BrainyQuote
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