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Lisa Arends works as a math teacher and a wellness coach. After using her own sudden divorce three years ago as a catalyst for positive change, she now helps people navigate their own divorces. She loves to lift heavy weights and run long distances, and she is still learning how to meditate. Read me on The Huffington Post: Books by Lisa Arends.

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Trivia About Lessons From the No trivia or quizzes yet. There was a certain comfort in accepting a role as a victim. I garnered sympathy and commiseration from those around me. I had limited control and limited responsibility.

10 Lessons I Learned From The End of My Marriage

But those same conditions that sheltered me also confined me. As long as I saw myself as a victim, I would remain one. As long as I was limited by my past, I would remain a prisoner of what happened.


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When the desired justice from the courts failed to appear and the hoped-for apology never came, I was left with a decision to make: I could either bemoan the circumstances or I could change my response. I used the following ideas to help shed the guise of victim and make myself the hero of my own life:. One of the first steps to renouncing victimhood is to take control of your story.

Take yourself out of the role of victim done to me and put yourself in the role of hero I did…. Write it or tell it until you believe it. There is no changing the past. I sensed a tension coursing through my body -- a low-level, yet ever-present anxiety. Since there were no outward signs of discord in my marriage, I assumed the tension was due to a difficult time at work. I was shocked to realize, after I recovered from the initial trauma of the abandonment, that my body was more relaxed than it had been in years.

I now listen to my body's messages even when they seem unfounded. I used to think I was well. I ate a healthy diet, exercised daily and even managed to do a little yoga once in a while. I used to think I was well, but I wasn't. After the divorce, I had to rebuild my health and this time, I had a much more holistic and balanced approach. I became a math teacher after struggling with the material myself as a child. I was drawn to wellness coaching for a similar reason. It allows me to utilize my teaching skills along with what I have learned about wellness from a balanced standpoint after my own journey.

My ex husband gained my trust over many years. He held his word and voiced his thoughts. I trusted him completely. I trusted him so much that I became complacent.

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I assumed the trust would remain and that he would continue to be honest and faithful. I have learned to trust again through the help of my dog!

My eyes now remain wide open. I used to be an expert at delaying life. I would prioritize work and promise myself a break in some imagined future.

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I would squirrel away money, imaging it being saved for some mythical future. When the divorce washed away my life in one destructive wave, I realized that I was waiting rather than living. I still work hard and I'm still frugal by nature, but I no longer put life off for the future. I never would have described myself as clingy with my ex -- I was independent often too much so , not jealous and was frequently apart from him for long periods while he traveled. It was only afterwards that I saw how clingy I truly was. With clinging, you are desperately attached to an outcome, grasping out of fear.

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I was clinging in a way and it was holding me still, static, unable to move. I now have healthy desires and passions which encourage investment in the now and the goal, but not in the outcomes that are out of my control. I realize that this describes my current relationship. I am so much more relaxed about the "outcome.