I honestly feel I could have skipped pages and wouldn't have missed anything. I headed a book club discussion of this book in my university and a point that was made by everyone was that it does fall apart in the second half. There is a lot of repetition and it does get boring. However the majority of the group appreciated the book far more than I did, I was very much the outlier. If there is one positive in this book it's O'Neill's wonderful ability to capture the essence of Irish teenhood.
The book is set in Cork and I am a fellow Corkonian, still living in the county. It really is wonderful how O'Neill conveys the patois of Irish teenage girls. However, in the end, it's a mess. The plot comes and goes and leaves the reader bored. The minor characters are but husks of personalities.
It's getting two-stars for effortless mannerisms and vernacular which is some of the best I've read. Shame about the rest. View all 15 comments. Feb 07, Giulia rated it it was amazing Shelves: Reviewing this book today is not any easier that it was days ago, when I finished reading it. But I know most of you must've heard what just happened to Kesha, who is being forced to work with the man who abused her physically and mentally.
And even though I'm not a fan of her music, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because for how many times I try to convince myself that our society is different, that things are not how they used to be, that rape and abuse are taken seriously and that women Reviewing this book today is not any easier that it was days ago, when I finished reading it. It doesn't matter because for how many times I try to convince myself that our society is different, that things are not how they used to be, that rape and abuse are taken seriously and that women can speak up and be heard, I'm lying to myself.
Because even if you're rich and famous, you're still a woman, and people are going to ask you what were you wearing? Did you take any drugs? Do you have evidence of what happened? Your word alone is not enough. Your pain is not enough. Because you're a woman, you're a slut bitch whore and you sure must've done something to make it happen. You're not even a victim, really, you're the instigator. You were asking for it. This is a powerful book that I would recommend to anyone, men and women alike, and not just to us - the people who spend hours reading and reviewing and caring, and who usually are the first to call out on abuse and sexism in books and in real life.
But we're so few. How many times have you heard your friends call a girl in shorts and high heels a "slut"? How many times have you heard someone joking about it, saying that she's "basically asking to be raped"? How many times have you received unwanted attention and have had to hide in the bathroom, to leave the room or the house or to seek the protection of your friends, because a guy couldn't take no for an answer, and you knew that if you stayed a little longer things could've gotten ugly?
And how many of these times, hiding in that bathroom and staring at your reflection in the dirty mirror, have you thought that maybe you should've worn a longer dress? Rape culture is in every day of our lives, even if we sometimes do not realize it. O'Neill made a very brave decision, and didn't only write a book about a girl who was raped, but she wrote a book about a hateful, petty and jealous girl who was raped while she was drunk and high, and then tried to defend her own attackers and deny that anything happened, simply because she was too ashamed.
Because the same thing happened to her friend, but she'd just told her to keep it quiet, because no one likes a girl who makes a fuss. Because we need to keep up the appearances, no matter how many ugly things lie beneath them. O'Neill wrote a book that makes us doubt ourselves. Emma is a terrible friend. She's a liar, a thief, she's manipulative and doesn't care about anyone but herself. Photos of what happened to her are all over the Internet, and suddenly her life turns into a nightmare. And all the while, she still keeps blaming herself because she thinks she's ruining her rapists' lives.
Because it's her fault. Because she was asking for it. And the more you get to know her, the more you get angry at her, the more your heart breaks, because it doesn't matter if Emma is not a good person, and it doesn't matter if she was under the influence of drugs and alcohol when she was raped. All these things don't matter, because there is only one thing that should be important in the eyes of the law: That her rights were violated, and that the perpetrators need to be severely punished.
But the law is slow. It takes years to go to trial, to collect all evidence, and Emma grows emptier every day.
See a Problem?
Until she eventually gives up. Asking For It is not a pretty book. It's raw and painful and makes you so angry that you can't stop thinking about it for days, weeks, months - because it's not fair, because no one should ever blame the victim, but when the victim's a woman, when she's a slut , everyone suddenly finds it really hard to believe her.
I'm writing this review with a lump in my throat. I'm writing it for every girl who constantly keeps her eyes on her drink when she goes out at night, who doesn't wear that dress that looks so good on her because she's scared she might send out the wrong signals, as if what we do, how we dress gives men any right to violate our rights. We know that even if it's not fair, the world is still based on the idea that when a woman is raped, only half the fault is her rapist's, and what were you wearing what were you drinking did you take any drugs you were asking for it, really.
View all 27 comments. Mar 24, Jenna Major rated it it was amazing Recommends it for: If you are keeping up to date with the news these days you may have heard of the Stanford Rape case, where the rapist, Brock, was sentenced to a despicably short 6 months. This book cuts deeply into subjects similar to this case.
It is outrageous, the overwhelming rape culture. I am here to say that it is not okay, this is not okay and we need to put an end to this. I would like to say that I recommend this book for everyone because I believe everyone should read this book. It is devastating that the plot of this book is not unheard of and rings true. We need to step-up as a community, this is not okay and never has been okay. This book is extremely valuable to read for anyone, whether you enjoy reading or not, whether you are male or female, young or old, please consider reading this book.
What is it about!! I don't want to give too much away, but the huge topics of this book is rape, consent, consequences, social issues, depression, etc. This book surrounds a woman named Emma. She is in high-school and is very popular. She gets attention from everyone and thrives on it. It introduces the complexities of adolescents. The ever-changing social norms, the need to fit-in and to be seemingly perfect. The lies, pressure, friendships, community, rumours, shame, etc. This book is not to be taken lightly, it deals with some very serious topics and delivers a very important message.
Louise O'Neill 's writing is raw and exposed. There is no beautifying the circumstances, actions and beliefs of the characters. This is very important for this book. I was in awe. I loved the writing, the framework, the dialogue, the diction and the pace. Every word she wrote served a purpose, an underlying message if you dared to seek it. Also of course the astonishing writing.
Those who have suffered through a sexual assault, know you aren't alone, there ARE people that believe you and support you. No you will most likely never be the same person you were before, but you are still you. Any of you can always message me if you need someone to talk to, about anything! It is extremely important that you have a good support system, most don't though. Jun 10, Bee rated it it was amazing. This book is so, so cruel. Yet so completely realistic, I almost wish it was a lie.
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The story is about Emma O'Donovan. As the book is from her point of view, we get to read her thoughts and feelings unedited, however shallow and narcisstic they may be. She is constantly making sure that boys notice her, and if they don't, she wonders why. She is jealous of her friends, h This book is so, so cruel.
She is jealous of her friends, hates people who don't make an effort with their looks, and seeks to be the centre of attention all. In summary, she is a despicable human being. And I can completely identify with her. Well, to a certain degree. Because if you ever were a teenage girl growing up with other teenage girls, you will have had some, maybe all, of the emotions Emma O'Donovan has had.
I've been jealous of my friends. I have wanted to be prettier than other girls. And I have made fun of girls who were different. Emma O'Donovan is an extreme case. But the thing is, I have met girls like Emma O'Donovan. And therefore, what happens to Emma O'Donovan, exists in real life too. Gang raped at a party, Emma is left to deal with the consequences. And the consequences are terrible. There is a reason why this book is called Asking For It. Because even though it is Emma's story, and we only ever get Emma's point of view, we learn about the community's reaction.
And everyone thinks she was Asking For It. She dressed up like a slut. She got too drunk. Therefore, she was Asking For It. And this book couldn't have come at a better time. At a time where Rape and Consent are up for discussion. Where colleges in America are reviewing their policies on rape and laws are being edited to give a broader definition of rape. So when a book like this hits the shelves, you can't help but wonder why something this despicable can still happen. Because no one felt sorry for the victim because she dressed like a slut and acted a certain way.
It is innocent until proven guilty, right? So why does that only apply to the alleged rapists and not the victim? And the hardest part about reading this book was finding myself thinking that she was Asking For It. Thinking, what did you expect? But then I realised that the victim is not important. The victim's past and present, however inebriated or high or whatever she was, has nothing to do with the case.
Boys took advantage without consent, and that should be that. If only it were that simple. And the ending is completely spot on. No sad ending really, either. There is no conclusion. Things are not wrapped up. Because this part of Emma's life will not end. There won't be a happy ending. She will have to deal with this trauma for the rest of her life. So yeh, this book made me think a lot. Not only about our rape culture, society and our laws. But about me and how I would react if this happened to someone I know. And I hope I won't be part of the problem. Mar 22, Tatiana rated it really liked it Shelves: Asking For It is the second very political choice by Printz Committee this year.
Is this the best ya novel about rape culture? Is it better than other books about rape culture and victim blaming that were published this year? I can't really tell because I don't quite have the stomach to sample and compare any more of these stories. But one thing is certain - Louise O'Neill has power and rage in her writing. This novel made me feel sad and angry and also kind of hopeless and ashamed for people. View all 5 comments. Non aspettatevi una costruzione classica della storia.
La vittoria del romanzo sta nella Videorecensione: La vittoria del romanzo sta nella costruzione del personaggio di Emma, attraverso il quale l'autrice riesce a porre una satira feroce nei confronti del ruolo femminile all'interno di un mondo maschilista. Che cosa sarebbe successo se Emma avesse subito una violenza camminando da sola di notte e indifesa? Che cosa succede, invece, quando quella stessa violenza succede ad una ragazza a cui piace divertirsi, consapevole della sua bellezza e che tende ad alzare un po' il gomito?
Oct 21, Anthea rated it did not like it Shelves: I am definitely one of the minority here This book was so badly written??? I really don't see the hype at all. I was excited to read this as it addresses rape culture and apparently has HIGH reviews here on goodreads but I was let down tremendously.
First of all, there were too many characters to keep track of. It suddenly jumps from one character to another which was really confusing. None of the characters w I am definitely one of the minority here None of the characters were likable. All were annoying and makes me want to punch them all in the face especially the protagonist.
Okay maybe except Bryan protagonist's brother. The parents were obnoxious. The friends were frustratingly dim-witted and shallow. The book dragged on and on. There was barely any development at all. She's clearly the queen bee. When the "rape scene" arrived, it wasn't even properly put forth that it was happening. Only afterwards when it's all over the social media etc. Even then it was rather vague and underplayed in a sense. And apparently, Emma's parents don't give two hoots as well. All they cared about was their appearance and image in the neighborhood.
There was no proper ending to it. Was there a trial at the end?? Did the accused got what they deserved?? Did Emma recover from the incident? Did her parents do something about it? Seriously someone please explain this to me cos I don't get it. Aug 05, Hannah rated it it was amazing. More thorough review to come with the BangingBookClub. I don't quite have words yet but I will definitely review this at some point. For now, I'm just going to let it all sink in. Such an intense and powerful and important book. Rape - message me if you want details if you're concerned.
Oct 26, Reading Corner rated it really liked it. Rape I've been meaning to read this one for ages and I'm so glad I got around to it. I literally couldn't put it down and I had it finished in less than a day. Asking For It is a devastating novel which explores one of the most relevant but ignored aspects of our society today, rape culture. Eighteen year old, Emma O'Donovan suddenly becomes a victim of this when she awakens the day after a party to discover revealing photographs of her from the night before, posted online. She can't remember what happened the night before but the photographs are clear evidence of the heinous acts performed on her.
However,no one wants to believe her especially when it involves the town's heroes. The story was set in Ireland which was a nice change and made me enjoy it more,being Irish myself but especially due to how Louise O'Neill brilliantly captured Irish culture.
The main character Emma was not what I expected as she's a horrible person. She's a terrible friend,incredibly judgemental and can be cruel. The fact she is an unlikeable character and promiscuous adds even more complexity to the story as people presume she wanted to have sex with those men. Emma's reputation is an important example of the prejudice, people can have when evidence is laid out right in front of them and the culture of slut shaming.
Nearly everyone presumes she wanted it because of her past relations despite the incriminating pictures before them. The story was definitely bleak but this was necessary to capture the reality of rape culture and the serious impact it can have on the victim. The book deals with so many important themes that are neglected by our society despite their commonness,like slut shaming which runs throughout the book. Also, it looks at people's refusal to accept terrible acts committed by people they value so much. I really liked how Louise O'Neill showed how even the own victim's family can question their accusation and the growing impact it can have.
Also, I thought Louise O'Neill did an amazing job at exploring how all the blame Emma experienced was leading her into a decaying stage where the blame was slowly tearing her apart. This novel really is a fantastic one which made me further consider our ability to blame rape victims and protect those people who we hold in such a high light. View all 21 comments. Aug 09, Mariah Roze rated it liked it Shelves: I read this book for the goodreads' book club Diversity in All Forms.
If you want to participate in the discussion the link is below. I enjoyed the read but at times it dragged on. I felt like I was enjoying it more than normal because the discussions that were taking place with the book were very good and captivating, but the book itself had a lot of dull moments. I real I read this book for the goodreads' book club Diversity in All Forms. I really struggled with the beginning of the book and trying to figure out what is going on.
It was very confusing and there were so many characters. The ending was also a big let down. All, in all, this book lead to some great discussions, but it was definitely not one of my favorite books. Translation widget on The blog!! Sep 08, Mary rated it it was amazing. I am a liar until I am proven honest. Also, feel free to share your thoughts, comment or tell me anything: Apr 05, kat rated it liked it. Aug 04, Alice-Elizabeth marriedtobooks rated it it was amazing.
I read Asking For It a few weeks ago but forgot to type up my review on Goodreads for it, oops! I met Louise a few days ago at a book event and she was ever so nice and down to earth. If she's at an event close to you, go and see her!
The subject topics contained in this novel are deep, it tackles the negativity of social media, rape and life changes in an instant. Emma is an eighteen year old girl who has everything she could ever want and when a party comes up, she goes along. But in the follow I read Asking For It a few weeks ago but forgot to type up my review on Goodreads for it, oops!
But in the following morning, she wakes up on the front porch having no clue how or why she's there. The things that follow are harrowing and shocking as everything that Emma once thought she knew and trusted changes forever. Seriously, if there's a book that you should read this year.
I can't even began to tell you all how the writing hit me. I was left contemplating with my pet cat afterwards. I know that's random but also what I found that was seriously refreshing is that I haven't read many novels that are set in Ireland so it was a nice change in setting and scene. The topics are deep but Louise really did her research and as a writer, doing research is so important. Aug 03, Book Riot Community added it. I read this book in one sitting. It follows Emma, a beautiful eighteen year old from a small Irish town. They are obsessed with their appearance, are cruel to other people and even to each other.
This all changes after Emma is raped at a party by multiple boys. The incident is recorded and pl I read this book in one sitting.
Asking For It by Louise O'Neill
The incident is recorded and plastered all over social media and a firestorm ensues. This novel exposes the sickening way rape victims are treated in the UK and the U. THUG was another piece of realistic fiction I recently read that dealt with real issues. It was also easier for me to rate, because the bifurcation there was clear. I knew whom I was rooting for. Well, technically, the bifurcation was clear here too, and of course I was rooting for the prosecutrix. The girl who was raped.
But Emma, the victim here, is not a nice person. She is a petty, jealous, selfish, horrible person who also steals just because. I don't care about any of this. What I do care about, is that she trivialises her friend's rape and even joins in on laughing at it That is why I hate Emma O'Donovan. But that doesn't matter, because rape is rape and rape is wrong. No one deserves to be raped. No one is asking to be raped. A smile, a show of cleavage, a hint of black lacy bra - nothing is an invitation. I don't know what O'Neill's intention here was, in making the main character so unlikable.
Actually, I think I do. O'Neill wants to push her readers to say she deserved it.
Review: Asking For It at Abbey Theatre, Dublin
Being a bitch, being a skank, being a slut, being a whore - nothing is an invitation. Here, even in this review, I, started off by talking about Emma. What I should have started off with are the rapists. Because in reality, they are the ones that need to be shamed. They raped her and filmed it. They put it up on social media and ruined her life, her friendships, her reputation, everything. She doesn't think she deserves to be loved anymore. Or that she deserves anything anymore. She thinks she was asking for it. She thinks she's in the wrong. Having too much to drink, taking drugs, being sexually active - nothing is an invitation.
This book is so, so important not just in the light of the MeToo and Time's Up movements, but in general, because when we say rape, the first reaction from many people is always that she was asking for it. Or that she should've screamed louder. Or not had so much to drink. The world polices the victim again and again and again. Everyone is so caught up in believing that the accused is innocent until proven guilty, that they don't give second thoughts to accusing the victim of lying. Or of asking for it.
We need to stop. Because the message of Asking For It is clear and simple and resounding. Don't trivialise their trauma. Rape is painful as it is. Don't make it worse for the victims by telling they're lying. The key takeaway from Asking For It is that no one is asking for it. Ultimately, Emma O'Donovan wasn't raped because she was beautiful. She wasn't raped because she was a bitch. She wasn't raped because she was a "slut". She wasn't raped because she was a people-pleaser.
Emma O'Donovan was raped for one and only one reason. Because four men decided it would be fun. That she wanted it. They were the only people at fault, the only entities responsible. That should be the only message we need to take from this. Emma wasn't asking for it. No one is asking for it. Not now, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Nothing is an invitation to rape.
View all 17 comments. Nov 16, Rachel rated it it was amazing Shelves: Asking For It is a difficult book. As if the subject matter isn't disturbing and harrowing enough - an year-old girl is raped and then ostracized from her community because of it - Louise O'Neill's approach to this story is ruthlessly, unnervingly honest. Emma O'Donovan's story isn't one of healing and closure and happy endings, and it can be hard to read because of that, but it shows an important side to this story that we don't often see depicted in fiction. The most striking thing about As Asking For It is a difficult book.
The most striking thing about Asking For It is how unlikable our heroine Emma is. The first quarter of the book is devoted to her treating her friends rather poorly and treating prospective partners like trophies; she's stuck-up, vain, and self-centered. She wears short skirts and low-cut dresses, she drinks a lot of alcohol and takes drugs recreationally, and when she's raped by four boys, the question in absolutely everyone's mind - from her classmates to her parents to strangers who pass her on the street - is 'wasn't she asking for it?
People like Emma though she's fictional, she's all too real don't fit into this mold and their allegations of rape are often met with disdain, which is why it's all the more critical that we support them. Obviously, a book tackling an important and difficult subject matter doesn't in and of itself make it a good book, so I'm glad to say that I was blown away by Asking For It on just about every level. O'Neill's writing is stunning I did such a double take when I flipped to the back cover and saw how young she is - not that young people can't be good writers, obviously!
Her characters are three-dimensional - Emma isn't an archetype straight out of Mean Girls; she's pretty and popular and vain, but it's all rooted in a deep sense of insecurity that's tied heavily into her upbringing, which O'Neill deftly explores in the way Emma relates to her family. I also liked that I didn't at any point feel like I was being preached to, which is something I occasionally feel while reading YA as an adult. O'Neill explores these issues with subtlety and doesn't shy away from asking difficult questions of her readers.
My one minor critique is that the rate at which secondary characters are introduced at the beginning of the novel is a little excessive - the first thirty or so pages were me going 'wait, who is that? This book isn't going to be for everyone, and I'd certainly advise that you proceed with caution if you're triggered by this subject matter or if you struggle with anxiety my heart was racing pretty much the entire time I was reading. But it is such a critically important contribution to the discussion of rape culture.
O'Neill fearlessly advocates justice for all rape victims, not just the ones whose stories are easier to digest, that fit better into our conceived narrative of what 'counts' as rape. We need to stop blaming rape victims and start listening to their stories, full stop. This was so hard to read but the topic is so important. The first chapters allow the reader to get to know Emma. She isn't the sweet, innocent girl and I actually wouldn't want her as a friend.
But I think this was intentional, because it doesn't matter how sweet, flirty, bitchy, sexy the girl is. If she doesn't want it, you accept it and leave her the hell alone. How everyone reacted after the rape was just heartbreaking. Even more so, when you realised that this happens way to often. Because w This was so hard to read but the topic is so important. Second comment switched the gender pronouns in the story. Now it read that a female had gone to a male friend's house, been plied with drinks and persuaded to have sex. All of a sudden, it looked like sexual assault. I was disgusted with myself.
Not knowing anything about this man, or his situation, I had brushed aside his experience by forcing it to fit my stereotypical ideas about male behaviour.
Asking for It
If asked, I would have said that i'm not that kind of person. That when it comes to sex, I know what's right and what's wrong, I believe everybody has the right to say no at any point, and that I would never blame the victim for the rape. But apparently I am not who I thought I was. With this playing on my mind, I picked up Asking for It.
It's an excellent break down of how rape is conceived in society. It's something that every young person should read, that every person should read. Intellectually, I agreed with almost everything Harding was saying, but I had still been dismissive of an example of a male not being able to give real consent. Perhaps if I hadn't read that post and had come to this book with my surety about my own capability to assess human behaviour intact, I would not have been as aware about how important books like this are.
I wouldn't have seen so clearly the danger in being convinced of your own morality- it makes you comfortable with your assumptions, when you should instead be aware of the fragility of your understanding. This book helps you to that place, making you think about how your 'knowledge' is formed and what evidence you have for it. Why do I see something this way and not that way?
How will I know? When it comes to sex, it should be simple. Has this person given consent and are they able to do so? If not, don't do it, it's not right. And if you're tying to add some kind of qualification- 'but what about' And it's all bullshit. Harding shows the incredible lengths society goes to in order to explain away rape. Some of the examples, I'd heard before, others were new, but in concert they provide a chilling picture.
On the one hand, we have men as irrational beasts who need to be stopped from raping, like it's their biologically rendered default setting, and they just can't help it, you know? The good old 'boys will be boys' idea taken to its most extreme form. On the other, the victims who just don't seem to be trying hard enough to stop them, and therefore deserve everything they get. Gang raped at a party? Well she had some drinks, so Raped by someone important or popular or famous?
Brushed away because THAT doesn't happen. Be a man, anyway Stop being so emotional. ON and on and on. Experiences ignored, minimised, denied. Whatever it takes to preserve the status quo and the rights of the privileged- this whole apparatus of rejection that is all around us every day. So much that we often don't see it, even in ourselves. But how to combat this pervasive gender stereotyping? I'd just proved to myself that I wasn't immune to its effects. Perhaps in reading books like this, in identifying our own patterns of thought and challenging them every time we come across a new bit of information.
We have to evaluate sources everyday- in real life and on the internet- so perhaps we need to think more broadly about what we see and hear. Look at other opinions. Look at the evidence. Have a warning sound in our minds that goes off each time we think 'oh, it's just this type of person doing this type of thing'. Just one moment of understanding can create a desire to improve ourselves for the future, it has for me. So read this book because it displays all the ways in which rape victims are let down by society and also because it will make you think about whether you are part of the problem.
View all 30 comments. We're the ones who want all of our children to know about meaningful consent, healthy sexuality, and honoring each other's bodies and boundaries, instead of teaching them that one gender is responsible for managing the other's helpless animal lust. Is it the right time to read this, when the news are already so fucking bleak every day? And then I realized that maybe there was no such thing as a "right time".
I'm not gonna lie, all this hateful climate in the news affects me, and friends often tell me - with good intentions - that I shouldn't let offensive, idiotic either political or ethical decisions or statements hurt me. But the thing is, I hope I will never say, hey, that sucks, but that's how things are. I welcome my anger and sadness because no, they're not sterile. They mean that I, as an individual, do not agree with the bullshit I hear or read.
They mean that I, as an individual, do not accept the permanence or even pertinence of such statements. They mean that even though I look pessimistic as hell, there must be some part of me who's optimistic enough to say that no, it's not okay and yes, we can change it. While I may go through pessimistic stages, I don't want these stages to help spread bullshit. Take teachers, for example I am one, so no, I'm not choosing a category of people to blame - I merely talk about what is more familiar to me: So, let's come back to this statement: You can't do anything more for this kid.
We can agree on that, right?
How do I get involved in the Guardian children's books site?
As with rape culture, it also revolves around a vicious circle that gives industrials and politics the opportunity they need to say - SEE! Of course, as I said, everybody can participate in its own way and I'm not saying that everybody should read that book or follow that blog or watch that documentary because that would be annoying. I'm not saying that I'm perfect either, and that I know everything, because it would make me a liar and also, a lousy human being. Certainly, not that nice boy, that star quarterback, that beloved priest, that trusted babysitter, that troop leader, that teacher, that dear family friend.
It's as though none of us ever learned about "passive voice" in freshman comp. Girl, 11, raped in an abandoned trailer. Who's doing all the raping here? If nobody's actually committing rape, how are we supposed to address it as a public health and safety issue? Oh, right, by giving women endless lists of acceptable behaviors and warnings about personal responsibility, for as long as it takes until those dummies get it together and quit becoming victims.
It can be telling that asshole over there that nope, groping women's breasts is not remotely funny. Neither it is normal, or inherent to male genetics how can ANY man agree with that without feeling denigrated is beyond me. We need decent bystanders. It can be refusing slut-shaming as a rule including in a work of fiction because we can never separate reality and fiction entirely.
Bullshit sure doesn't fear boundaries. It can be teaching your kids that education is important because no, neither vaginas nor ovulation can "shut down" in case of rape. It can be calling people on their shit when they propagate a Rape Myth like, "she asked for it" or "she is lying" or he, in the case of a man being raped or "sleep means consent" or "a victim must behave in a certain way" etc.
What I'm merely saying is: Sometimes, though, this is not what matters to me. Sometimes what matters to me is that somebody cares - somebody tries. And you know what? At a snail pace, sure, but they are. My little sister is way more informed on rape culture than I was at her age and it's an understatement, really. I am not remotely okay with saying that fighting rape culture is a lost cause. You should feel free to use it. Again, it's not the point. It doesn't mean industrials and governments don't have anything to do, or that individual responsibility is greater - it only means that if we're going to argue that we're sensible adults , we should well start acting like ones.
For more of my reviews, please visit: View all 28 comments. Jan 12, Becky rated it it was amazing Shelves: I have put off reviewing this book, despite having finished it days ago, because There's so much I want to say and I don't even know where to start, and so many of the thoughts running through my head make me so angry and hopeless But I hate having unreviewed books hanging over my head, so here goes the ramble I've never thought of myself as a feminist.
I didn't give feminism much thought at all until very recently, honestly. I love the progress that w I have put off reviewing this book, despite having finished it days ago, because I love the progress that women have made in the last century, and I want to continue it But the last few books on this topic that I've read have changed me. This is especially true of Jessica Valenti's book, The Purity Myth, which has made me see things so much differently.
They've changed the way that I think about society, and the way that I think about men and women as groups, and the way that I think about the expectations of each. For example, one of my coworkers shared a video with me showing a Scottish father teasing his 4 or 5 year old daughter about never allowing her to have a boyfriend, and how she's going to become a nun and work for Jesus.
She thought it was funny and had even tagged her husband because it reminded her of him. A month ago, and I would have thought it was hilarious - the teasing, the accents, the little girl's indignation, the father's deadpan delivery, it all worked. Now, I can see the humor on the surface, but really I get that it's supposed to be a joke.
I get that it's supposed to be ironic. That's the wrong way to go about it, even though I want to scream about it. I know that would just backfire and make people see the exact things that they want to see: That'd give people a reason to discount and ignore the point. And It's not just men. Women who think that they are helping, that they are progressive and teaching their sons how to be "men", are actually doing just as much damage.
They are teaching their sons that women aren't to be respected, that they are just sluts and troublemakers, etc. This, too, perpetuates this misogyny. I see comments like this all the time, in some form or another on Facebook Then they go on to say how they "teach their sons to respect women".
I just read that and have to shake my head because what they are REALLY teaching their sons is how only SOME girls deserve respect, and that those who don't make the cut are just little whores who deserve to be treated like shit. The fact that these women are behaving like exactly the type of person they think they're protecting their sons from "trash" is apparently lost on them. Why should boys treat them well, when their own mothers, their main female role models, wouldn't?
It just perpetuates this myth that girls who dress a certain way, or act a certain way, or talk a certain way, or hang out with boys, or stay out late, or get high or drunk, or any number of things that anyone might do, are "trashy" and aren't real victims if they're raped. If she didn't want to be raped, she wouldn't have been doing the things that society seems to deem as "risky" behavior, after all. You know, the "Bad Guy lurking down a dark alley, grabs a girl and rapes her" type. But this book is so much more than that.
It talks about the way men are raised to see women as objects rather than people, about laws governing consent, about double standards, about the very definition of rape, victim blaming, perpetrator defending, false accusations and how hard it is to prosecute most rapes. It talks about the way that women think and behave differently in order to make their risk of being raped lower. It talks about how law enforcement often handles rape investigations incorrectly, and how TV and movies fetishize rape.
I say "simply" but it's anything but simple. I have never been "forcibly-held-down-and-raped" raped. But as I was listening to this book, I realized that some of the sexual experiences that I've had in my life actually were rape. That's a very shitty thing to realize about my life. It shows just how much rape culture has infiltrated my ideas of sex, desirability, responsibility, sexual expectations, and consent. And I think it shows how much it has affected men as well, because I can pretty much guarantee that the guys involved would swear on a stack of bibles that they didn't know that what they were doing was rape, and that they would never rape anyone.
Of course, what they'd mean is that they'd never "forcibly-hold-down-and-rape" rape anyone. A close friend of mine told me recently that during her relationship with her kids' father, he would routinely force himself on her if she wasn't in the mood for sex. She hated him for that She thought that since she was in a relationship, that they had kids together, and she had obviously agreed to have sex with him previously, that she couldn't be raped by him. She never mentioned it to anyone because she thought that she'd be blamed for not "putting out" enough to keep him happy, and so she hated herself, too.
It wasn't until several years after her relationship ended, and she started with a new therapist who actually named what had happened to her as "rape" that she was able to come to terms with it and started telling people. Her story broke my heart. This woman is one of my best and closest friends, and is one of the strongest, most independent people I know, and for her to suffer this way for years, repeatedly raped by the person who was supposed to love and protect her, blaming herself for it and too ashamed or afraid or both to tell anyone These are the ways that rape culture makes victims of us all.
We live in a society where we can be routinely violated and not even recognize that it is happening to us. We live in a society that only sees a victim if they are virginal, religious, forced at gunpoint or beaten up. We live in a society that thinks consent is a gray area, and that the failure to say no is the same as saying yes. We need to do better as a society.
This book should be mandatory reading. I will never listen to the song "Date Rape" the same way again. View all 9 comments. Oct 21, Mark rated it it was amazing Shelves: I read this book and got what I expected - this is a very important book. The basis here is to open our eyes to the stereotypical 'rape'. Society although learning and developing still holds an outdated view that rape is a sexual assault by the guy hiding in the bushes, knife in hand who leaps onto the unsuspecting 19yo blonde who is enjoying a jog through the park at night.
As highlighted by the book there are two flaws with this stereotype. Firstly rapes occur during daylight hours, without we I read this book and got what I expected - this is a very important book. Firstly rapes occur during daylight hours, without weapons, to all ages, both sexes and people of all appearances.
They occur in the home, at friend's houses, at schools and workplaces but so often overlooked, they occur between people who know each other. They may have had a previous sexual relationship, may be on a first date, may be long time friends having too many drinks or may even in fact be a current couple or married. And this is the second flaw of the above mentioned stereotype - rape does not have to be between strangers. Does not have to be some disgustingly horny guy who will take sex from anyone he can get it from.
Rape is when a person does not want sexual activity - and that is all activity not just penetration. This book highlights the neanderthals who are still living in a bygone era where sex is the right of the guy and any woman who refuses it is surely a feminist lesbian. Written by Kate Harding, a proud and prominent feminist who has written on many a blog and has attributed to other works on this subject.
Yes Kate is a feminist but is also married to a man - just to dispel the 'feminist lesbian' ideal. Having said that who cares if she or others are feminist lesbians? This book is all about the struggles to get all rapes defined as rapes. To eradicate the stupid and appalling excuses - she was drunk, she was asking for it, she was practically naked etc. As you can see I have given this book 5 stars because to me it deserves 4.
I take a half star off just for something I disagree with in Kate's book. Towards the start of the book Kate is talking about reactions from police departments and communities to rapes and other sexual assaults. The overwhelming responses were - you were wearing slutty clothes, you should not have been out so late, you had too much to drink, you had agreed to go back to his house and the like.
Police advise women to take self defense classes to which Kate raises the concern of "moving responsibility". Why should women be forced to take such measures, why is it their responsibility? Surely the onus should be on the perpetrator to be human and not force themselves onto others. Where I vary is this - I would not like a dangerous precedent set here. Absolutely the responsibility falls on the perpetrator and the victim is totally blameless. However that changes nothing because if these disgusting low life scum wish to assault and rape I believe they still will.
No punishment has ever eradicated rape or even murder so expecting them to take responsibility seems a moot point to me. Victims should never have to be victims but if it gets to the point where it is happening by all means lash out and fight. And this is why I still value self defense classes for anyone who could possibly find themselves in this situation. Not forgetting of course that some still believe history, such as a previous sexual relationship, means that current circumstances do not constitute rape. That being said is a simple 'NO' going to get through? I am sorry if I misinterpreted your book Kate and if I did you are welcome to claim the missing half star.
View all 15 comments. May 26, Julie Ehlers rated it it was amazing Shelves: I've been a big fan of Kate Harding's writing for several years now, mostly as it appeared on her now-mostly-defunct blog, Shapely Prose , but her first full-length book was a disappointment to me. That, coupled with the fact that I read this on the heels of a couple of books on similar topics, made me a bit wary to pick this one up. Now that I have, though, I'm very glad I did.
Asking for It provides a lot of the same depressing statistics as other books on the subject of rape; where it differs i I've been a big fan of Kate Harding's writing for several years now, mostly as it appeared on her now-mostly-defunct blog, Shapely Prose , but her first full-length book was a disappointment to me. Asking for It provides a lot of the same depressing statistics as other books on the subject of rape; where it differs is its tone.
Simply put, Harding's humor, irreverence, sarcasm, and way with words make this almost fun to read, while at the same time effectively addressing the various issues a rape culture gives rise to: The book also dives right in and discusses the "problem" of consent in a much more thorough and persuasive way than I've seen anyplace else. Some of the arguments she makes here have stuck with me months later, and I suspect always will.
Another way this book differs from others is that each chapter offers suggestions for how to combat the problems outlined therein. This has the effect of offering some hope, which is sorely needed when discussing topics like rape. I know some people object to Harding's irreverence and salty language, but if you're not put off by either of those things, I would probably recommend this book about rape above all the others currently available. View all 7 comments. Aug 26, Genia Lukin rated it it was amazing Shelves: This book started, for me, when I got sick of the "wrongs of feminism" and "legal inequality" line of comments on various internet sites that shall forever go unnamed.
It's all about how feminism's past its time, you see, and how feminists are just coming up with imaginary problems, how entitled and petty they are, and if they were living in the third world, they'd know what real inequality and abuse were. The notion that feminism's job is "done" somehow - that Western society, at least, ac This book started, for me, when I got sick of the "wrongs of feminism" and "legal inequality" line of comments on various internet sites that shall forever go unnamed.
The notion that feminism's job is "done" somehow - that Western society, at least, achieved a state in which women have nothing to complain about - is immensely appealing, and it appeals precisely to those elements that are the most problematic. If everything's fine and dandy, then of course we can post porn on internet message boards, make crude offensive jokes, and keep our media portrayals precisely where they are.
That notion - that we are "okay", and that what's happening with the culture is "okay, is precisely the one that Kate Harding wants to eviscerate. And she does, believe me, she does. By the time you're done with this book, assuming you are not inclined to dismiss her proof entirely as the result of "having an agenda", which I have seen some people do, you will be quite convinced that the enlightened, egalitarian, feminist Western world has a long way to go yet.
One of the most widespread arguments I encounter in the feminism-is-problematic crowd is that when an ambiguous situation occurs - usually a specific and very fringe hypothetical, but let's not go there - the onus of responsibility in terms of legality somehow lands on the man. That may be so I would not necessarily agree that it is so, but let's put that aside for now , but Asking For It is not a book about legality, it's a book about all the wonderful things that happen beyond the strict letter of the law.
It makes a vehement case for the fact that our society still treats women's bodies like property, and women's lives with tremendous double-standards. If the book has any flaws at all, it is perhaps that it is just a little too vehement. Any lack of immediate consent is rape. Any casual familiarity and neglect to ensure total, full, absolute autonomy is denial of human rights. Any clouding of judgment is an absolute barrier. Life does and should allow for more ambiguity and softer blurrier lines than that, and just because something technically falls under the definition of 'illegal' doesn't necessarily mean it's bad.
On the other hand, I understand where Harding is coming from. In an ideal world where we would no longer live in a society that treated women with appalling levels of double-standard and rape as a violation of someone's purity, rather than their autonomy, sure, we could cede our autonomy if we liked, we could blur the lines, we could distinguish between illegal and bad. But in our society today, Harding's vehemence is well-placed, deserved, and necessary. If you are one of the people who thinks our society's perfect, this book will probably make you angry, but then, you probably deserve to be angry.
If you're not, it will still make you angry - that is its job. This book was written in a form of a high school essay albeit a long winded one. Take someone else's work, quote — elaborate on it some and call it a day Still the topic is well worth the time and effort of reading it, and I must say the review below is not short. In fact when you see it you'll most probably be like: My answer — you fucking should be. The cases described in this book are for the large part extremely well known cases, and in my opinion have been covered in better ways and from This book was written in a form of a high school essay albeit a long winded one.
The cases described in this book are for the large part extremely well known cases, and in my opinion have been covered in better ways and from more angles by other people. I was expecting something innovative, at least a fresh approach, but the author didn't deliver anything that hasn't already been said by someone else.
It did however present an accumulation of different points to present her case. Rape culture is extremely real and although the author specifies the first time that it has been socially recognized as an ongoing widespread problem by her accounting a few decades ago the truth is women and men that didn't fit the certain socially desirable parameters of a virile, competent, manly male were targets of societal harassment throughout the ages.
Assertion of sexual dominance still appeals to the animal side of humanity, as psychology will vouch for, no matter how hard we try to polish out the outer shell with the guise of civilization. As you grow in life you will be more and more aware that people are essentially not nice. They just talk more shit and pretend more in front of other people. The author herself couldn't have said it any better — Why in a culture that is so publicly outraged by sexual assault are so little advancements made to combat it and so few perpetrators behind bars?
Social justice and it's ever-growing internet presence never seems to manage to get past social media rants and accusations of whomever isn't chanting the expected buzzwords. Very few people actually get their asses off their couches and out in the horrid world to make a change. But hey, they will sure as shit flay you alive if you say something that might be considered offensive to a minority they don't have to necessarily be a part of or even have to know anything about.
It's not about what you DO, it has become more about what you SAY to the nameless, faceless mob of catchy usernames. Sexual assault has become a fucking hashtag. Rape is a buzz word. People's opinions on the matter seem to somehow be more important than being active in your community. Blow it out your ass!
On this subject I am Truth is that people have become fearful of even questioning some things that are a hot topic in case they get prosecuted and bullied on social media. Remember Cecil the Lion? The dentist is a scumbag and should definitely face a penalty, but the bunch of idiots in front of his office that were out with the monologues about how animal life is sacred concluded their day by patting each other on the back and going out on a well deserved hamburger. You know, from a cow someone's slaughtered, so they can eat and stretch it's hide to wear trendy shoes.
But hey — it's on Facebook so you gotta be seen to have the heart of gold, and those morals ripe enough to choke a horse You know- in everyday life. I was interested to see her take on the clash of modern feminists like herself and other popular female influences that proudly display their bodies in all it's glory and support the idea that a woman shouldn't be labelled for loving her body or the choice of her clothes I am referring to pop culture , versus some other extremely popular feminist influences in modern culture like Anita Sarkeesian that say that by doing that women indulge in male sexual fantasies and are in fact not empowering themselves rather covertly trying to win male approval and by doing so perpetuate rape culture.
Do you see where I am going with this??? Modern feminism sure as shit sends some mixed signals and no matter what your opinion is — if you voice it - somebody will tell you what an ignorant backward imbecile you are for having it. When 50 Shades of Grey hit the shelves the world went mental, frothing at the mouth about rape culture.
They were getting ready to lynch E. James for writing BDSM. Here's the thing -her book was ok, but as far as written erotica goes not that innovative, groundbreaking, earth-shattering or soul-splitting. In fact written erotica has a full sub-genre dedicated to dubious consent novels.
Some of those would make E. James herself scramble for her smelling salts. Majority of those writers -are women, and majority of the readers of those novels — are women. So there is a demand for such fiction. A small example can be found here and as you can see the novel carries the exact same name as this particular work. The question I wanted to see addressed in this book was how far are people ready to push and limit freedom of speech, therefore the freedom of art itself for the sake of social justice?
When you watch a TV show it is considered sufficient to have a warning of content at the beginning and people are left to their own devices. Nobody is judging your intelligence to process the content. You know it's a show. So why are other forms of art and entertainment held to different standards? It is becoming painfully obvious that some feminist movements want to ban certain way of depicting women. Sexually submissive, provocatively dressed or sexually healthy women seem to have no more space in modern popular culture as more and more pressure is applied on artists in various branches of art to produce the more politically correct, conservatively dressed heroines that don't offend the delicate little feminine flowers on the consuming end.
If we continue on that road the world will get nothing but similar content, viewed trough pink tinted glasses and the true problem of rape culture will remain. In fact it can only be worse because of limited speech. On the other side of the argument we have some truly important influences of young minds like pop stars, reality stars, movie and tv actors that seem to compete as to who can be seen in a more revealing outfit and proclaim that a woman's body is not to be shamed. Should we start burning books and demonizing creators of content that might possibly offend?
Or should we work on educating people and allowing them the human courtesy by deeming them intelligent enough to understand what is in front of them and not openly assume that they are so limited in their understanding of right or wrong that they need someone e. These are only a few of the questions I wanted to read about once I started reading this book. They all relate to rape culture and modern feminism. None of them were truly answered. While reading it I stumbled on more issues I personally would like to talk about in depth but this is not a confessional. The rating for this book is this low simply because I have expected the author to bring more of herself to the pages, as it stood it just added a little to other people's work and read like a report.
View all 6 comments. Sep 06, Marjorie Ingall rated it it was amazing Shelves: Don't even read my review, just go buy this fucker right now. Are you still here? I am old enough to remember the Madge the Manicurist "You're soaking in it! We really ARE immersed in it, with "it" in this case being a culture that devalues women. And their stories of assault, yes Harding is a very, VERY funny writer, which helps make a difficult subject readable.
Asking for It is a polemic that does not read like a polemic. Harding comes off as a reliable narrator as well as your most amusing friend. Full disclosure, I know her online but have only met her in person a couple of times. Asking For It is, for me, the first great bloggy non-fiction. It is rigorously researched, but delivered in a snarky voice that I think of as a blog-writer voice.
Usually over the length of a book this kind of voice wears thin for me -- too much, too snide, too self-impressed, too clever. And this voice makes Asking For It a great read for teenagers and twenty somethings, into whose hands I want to shove this book right this very second. Guys and girls both.
I also want to give it to older feminists -- including my own GenX cohort -- who default to "but WHY do young women today My friends and the prominent older feminists who use this phrase have not internalized the fact that no matter what the kids today are wearing, no matter how much they drink, no matter how dumb you think they are for being so careless Rape culture means blaming the victim, and that is precisely what you are doing. What you have delivered should be a stand-alone sentence. Put a period there. Oh and dump the "of course" which implies a big ol' BUT.
My year-old read this before I did and handed it back saying "This is the best non-fiction book I have read in a long time. Do not say "Let kids be kids a little longer! Apr 03, Liz rated it it was amazing Shelves: The book discusses rape, sexual assault, harassment in a rather graphic manner and I suspect that it can seriously trigger some people, so while I recommend it - proceed with caution. This is a very important book, regardless whether you, as a reader, live in the United States of America, Canada, UK, or any other country. Of course, it does concern itself with cases that happened in the USA and focuses solely on e.
This is simply the reality we live in. But for now, about the book. It is cohesive, succinct, easy to understand because it is written in plain, non-academic English and partially even uses slang, and it features the most important issues regarding rape culture while also explaining, in a very understandable manner, what rape culture is, what encourages it and what we can do against it.
It addresses stereotypes, issues with the police and rape kits, and generally a variety of different topics linked to rape. All of them important. All of them deeply disturbing since apparently women are still oftentimes seen as objects rather than actual human beings. There are also digressions into topics linked to it like, for example, internet trolls and man's rights activist this shit is plain disgusting. Still, it was very enlightning. I think it's a must-read for everyone, nowadays. What I encountered when I ventured into the topic of rape in Germany left me shocked and deeply concerned about the future.
Jan 14, Ylenia rated it really liked it Shelves: Kate Harding started with something easy - what is rape culture? This book enraged me to no end, mostly because it was written a couple of years a 4. The way some people not only men! Ignorance mixed with privilege is a bad combo. This book was well written, full of sarcastic comments - sarcasm is necessary, otherwise we would cry from page one because the world we live in is so fucked up - and the basic concepts are well explained. It's not a book I've read in a day but it took me a couple of months.
I highly encourage you to pick this one up! Oct 18, Melissa rated it really liked it Shelves: These guys are telling you how they feel. Nov 14, Katie rated it really liked it. Equal parts angry, witty, and educating, Asking For It will force you to examine yourself, your bias, and your place in rape culture. When you think of the word rape, what do you picture? Likely, a stranger violently abducting a you Equal parts angry, witty, and educating, Asking For It will force you to examine yourself, your bias, and your place in rape culture.
Likely, a stranger violently abducting a young woman in an alleyway. In reality, most rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. Here are some of the discussions that I found most valuable in the book: It is either rape or it is consensual sex. Consent can only be given in the moment. A relationship, or even a marriage, does not equate consent. We also have to teach young men about consent. The only way we can change our culture is to examine it and then talk about it. Reading Asking For It is a great jumping off point!
Sep 03, Kelli rated it it was amazing Shelves: I need a hard copy to properly review this incredible narrative. Sep 20, Ian Wood rated it it was amazing. This is the complete review as it appears at my blog dedicated to reading, writing no 'rithmatic! Blog reviews often contain links which are not reproduced here, nor will updates or modifications to the blog review be replicated here. Graphic and children's reviews on the blog typically feature two or three images from the book's interior, which are not reproduced here.
Note that I don't really do stars. To me a book is either worth reading or it isn't. I can't rate it three- This is the complete review as it appears at my blog dedicated to reading, writing no 'rithmatic! I can't rate it three-fifths worth reading! The only reason I've relented and started putting stars up there is to credit the good ones, which were being unfairly uncredited. So, all you'll ever see from me is a five-star or a one-star since no stars isn't a rating, unfortunately. The problem with this book is that the people who need most to read it will not, and if they mistakenly happen upon it, they will dismiss it as "more feminist propaganda".
It's an uncomfortable experience to read it, but I think people need to read it until they get beyond discomfort and get downright angry that this crap not only goes on in , but that it evidently doesn't even cause widespread outrage. The problem is that when people are talking about "rape-rape" like it's a baby topic that no real grown-ups waste their time with , or about "legitimate rape" or about "the rape thing", then you know as well as I do that despite recent progress, there's still a hell of a long way to go. What also outraged me is that this didn't show up in the first page of results on Goodreads.