But this book makes you stop and realize that maybe you have more issues than you realized. That you are responsible for your happiness. And how ridiculous I feel for thinking with my feelings all the time. One of my favorite things she said was that we have a responsibility to our marriage and our family children even if your "feelings" are hurt.
And later in the book she said that feelings don't have an IQ. Oh man, my "feelings" of anger towards my husband may be justified but the way I handle it wasn't. I have a lot more culpability in our marriage than I thought.
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Can't wait to start her other book! Extremely entertaining, never got boring- showed other people this book. Was there a moment in the book that particularly moved you? I read this a while ago, I can't remember specifically- I just know it changed my relationship. Read with a skeptical mind. She makes a strong case for the conservatives. I was really looking forward to listening to this but to my dismay much of this was more about the author telling us to pray.
Don't know why one needs religion in their life to be a "good or moral person" and in addition to that, I could've did without her personal opinions on abortion. With that said, there were a few good tips in it but sadly that good advice was too little too warrant any kind of positive review. And I could be crazy here, but if the book is titled "10 stupid things couples do to mess up their relationships" then shouldn't those 10 stupid things be clearly listed or stated within the audiobook?
How this lady had a doctorate and can be so stupid is beyond me. Some things she says have merit but the rest is utter nonsense. When she refers to putting your child in daycare as "modern abandonment," that was the straw that broke the camels back. Some people have no choice. That's the only way they can make money to support their families. Obviously we would prefer not to put our children in daycare.
My daughter isn't in daycare yet but when I have to take her I don't want to feel guilty. No one should have that on their conscience. Laura Schlessinger Narrated by: Free with day trial Membership details Membership details A day trial plus your first audiobook, free. Keep your audiobooks, even if you cancel. Get access to the Member Daily Deal. Give as a gift. People who bought this also bought Stop Whining, Start Living By: How Could You Do That?! Patricia Love, Steven Stosny Narrated by: The Four Seasons of Marriage By: Gary Chapman Narrated by: Geneen Roth Narrated by: By dint of working harder than his competition, he made himself one of the best squash players in the world.
But he was wound so tightly that he would choke in crucial moments, he never won the world title, and he wore his body down so severely that doctors advised him to retire at twenty-one.
All that was cause for unhappiness. Unhappiness hung over him like a perpetual cloud. Then, however, wanting to find out why he was so unhappy, he took up the study of philosophy and psychology, learned there was more to life than runaway ambition, cut loose when he felt like it, enjoyed eating pizza with friends, let his grades slip a little, and became wise in the manner of those who think positively but not intemperately so.
What does positive psychology understand that its once-triumphant predecessors failed to do? The psychiatrist Aaron T. Beck was the animating force behind cognitive therapy, which coaches the patient in recognizing patterns of thinking that give rise to roiling emotions and self-destructive behavior. It is the leading talk therapy for depression. The conventional psychodynamic approach to depression, which encouraged the sufferer to tear open and probe all his old wounds, tended to do far more harm than good, Beck found in his Freudian training, for the re-opened past would just keep bleeding as the old wounds failed to heal.
It is not events themselves but our interpretation of them, Ben-Shahar summarizes, that determines our emotional reaction; irrational interpretations beget emotional fevers and chills, while considered interpretations produce temperate responses. Weeks of cognitive therapy often do patients more good than years of psychoanalysis. Psychic freedom is much more in our power than the old orthodoxies believed.
Thinking clearly about the matters under our conscious control is liberating. This robust practicality — a brass-tacks approach to getting results here and now — Ben-Shahar sees as decidedly in the Aristotelian tradition as opposed to the Platonic: Raphael notwithstanding, the modern professor of happiness does not get the classical philosopher quite right. For Aristotle taught that the greatest happiness lies in the life of contemplation, of thinking raptly about the eternal things, the things that cannot be other than they are, such as the heavenly bodies or the truths of mathematics: Still, Aristotelian moral virtue is no small thing, surely deserving of emulation, and Martin Seligman, in Authentic Happiness , comes nearer its core than Ben-Shahar does.
It cannot be derived from bodily pleasure, nor is it a state than can be chemically induced or attained by any shortcuts. It can only be had by activity consonant with noble purpose. What are the practical, everyday measures Ben-Shahar encourages his students and other readers to take in their pursuit of happiness? His target audience, after all, is in need of strong medicine. His latest book, The Pursuit of Perfect: Perfectionism, he writes, is harmful to Ivy League prodigies and other living things. Rejecting failure, the perfectionist avoids risk that might lead to mere excellence, and thereby condemns himself to doing less than his best.
Rejecting painful feelings, he practices unremitting cheeriness even in the face of grave setbacks, and lives a stunted and unreal emotional life. Rejecting success, he is never happy even with high achievement, for that invariably fails to live up to his fantasy of world domination. Against the doleful Perfectionist, Ben-Shahar sets the admirable Optimalist. How does one make the necessary transformation?
In love, recognize that your partner is flawed, just as you are. Accept suffering, even on occasion very hard suffering, as an unavoidable feature of life on earth.
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This is the scientific fruit of those who consider themselves not only the wisest of our time but evidently the wisest of all time. It is also obvious and insipid. Accept imperfection and pain. Slow down and count your breaths.
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You used at least to get Cracker Jack with such prizes. Did I mention, Love yourself? Self-love is the lever with which the positive types of every denomination move their world. Even — especially — when you think you are loving others, the best thing you are doing is loving yourself. Ben-Shahar cites that ever-popular Harvard grad Emerson on the fruits of solicitude, and the lesson is that of self-interest rightly understood: That is the sort of thing you go to Harvard to learn these days, and surely there is no better place to acquire the knowledge that you are fortunate not to be one of them.
A mid the blather, hokum, and trumpery, there is a sub-genre of self-help lit that represents the traditional granite in the American character, and which proffers hope that not all of our countrymen in a generation or two will be sops or ninnies. For some, the pursuit of happiness remains above all the pursuit of excellence. What all three writers agree on, despite some obvious ideological differences, is that hard work, so-called deliberate or deep practice, extremely intense and pursued over many years, makes the difference between the remarkable and the less accomplished.
Even Mozart, legendary prodigy of prodigies who began composing at the age of five, almost from infancy received rigorous instruction from his father, about as fine a music teacher as could be found, and did not produce works of mastery until he was twenty. The teenage Benjamin Franklin, Colvin relates, carried out a program to improve his writing that involved recasting in his own words, sentence by sentence, essays from The Spectator by the outstanding English journalists Addison and Steele, and even rewriting their essays in verse, in order to expand his vocabulary.
When the Beatles were starting out, Malcolm Gladwell writes, they played gigs in Hamburg strip clubs of eight hours a night, seven nights a week; by the time of their overnight success, they had logged some twelve hundred live performances, more than most bands play during their whole careers. A minimum of ten thousand hours of practice, usually accomplished over at least ten years, the experts agree, is required to attain proficiency in a complex skill.
Yet the long-accepted understanding of the workings of the brain, highlighting just its neurons and synapses, could not explain why this is so.
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Recently, however, neuroscientists have begun to recognize the importance of a thick fatty substance called myelin, or white matter. But it does play a crucial part in the functioning of our brains. Contempt is criticism in disguise. When one of the partners suddenly changes how she interacts with the other, she is risking the end of the relationship. Avoid making excuses for your deconstructive behaviors if you want a stable relationship. Long-distance relationships are difficult to maintain and tend to fail.
The Science of Self-Help - The New Atlantis
If you decide to move, do not delude yourself into thinking that this choice is not going to affect your relationship. If you value your relationship, you'll have to stay physically close to your partner. While some researchers state that affairs are the leading cause of relationship dissolution, others state that the leading cause is neglect. The theory is that not spending enough time with your partner makes him lonely, which in turn causes him to seek out an affair, thereby ending the relationship.
As you continue to date your partner, your brain begins to gradually release fewer chemicals. If so, you are relying on the chemicals in your brain to determine your feelings toward your partner. This is a common technique that men use during verbal conflicts. However, this technique can severely damage your relationship. Violence is a serious problem that can lead to more than just the demise of your relationship; it can land you in jail.