Sick, cynical, alarmist and bleakly amused, it makes for gruesomely funny comedy. Feel free to listen to the entire show yourself. It is also available on YouTube:. I must warn you though, this show, like all shows by Frankie Boyle, is strictly for adults with hardened sensibilities. Despite that, it is still worth listening to in full, just to watch a master craftsman at work, just to hear Boyle move effortlessly from making a disgustingly crude remark to making a devilishly clever political comment.
I could quite easily have transcribed the entire show, but I have instead tried my best to narrow it down to my favourite jokes, which have been cleaned up somewhat. And, yes, regular readers of this blog surely there must be one or two of you out there by now will have read some of the quotes before in previous blog posts, but they are repeated again nonetheless as they are rather brilliant.
I am from Glasgow, a city where people think that hepatitis B is a vitamin. There was a study of the worlds happiest cities. Glasgow was right up near the top. What we can learn from that is that researchers do not understand sarcasm.
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The Queen has two birthdays a year, one each for her human and lizard forms. I want the Queen to live a long life because the longer she lives the more days we get off on holiday when she dies. At the moment she is a long weekend, God bless her. I understand there are two points of view. There are people who say the Royals are a good thing, they bring in tourists. Prince William and Prince Harry have been fronting a campaign urging people to talk more about their mental health.
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Everybody thinks that this is a great idea. I wonder if Prince Harry ever spares a thought for the mental health of the families of the various shepherds that he gunned down from his 20 million pound death helicopter in Afghanistan. I wonder how he justifies that to himself.
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Every Arab we shot serves my mother in hell. Do you know a real problem for comedians? And it never really gets mentioned. I can remember when I first realized this. I was 13, I was at school, we were doing a class on stereotypes and the teacher was a really good guy, he was just talking about how stupid stereotypes are. Have you ever heard the stereotype that deaf people are really strong? That was a genuine thing when I was growing up. Deaf people, and particularly deaf and dumb people, for some reason were believed to be really strong.
You ever seen a deaf contender for the heavyweight championship of the world?
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Are you silenced by the security services? I wish…that YOU were all dead. Donald Trump to me looks like someone playing a president in a porno. Would you bother with the hair if you looked like him? If you had the face like a novelty jug that was made in a secure unit pottery class? Surely the hair is like putting inch rims on a wheelie bin. Do you remember when you thought that George Bush was the bottom? I got my next-door neighbor to build a wall and pay for it and all it cost me was the price of a thong to sunbathe in.
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That American election, that might turn out to be the biggest decision since the Second World War. I hope no one from a country that made eight Fast And The Furious movies gets any say in this. Americans were fucked whoever they voted for. Hillary Clinton was a murderous psychopath. The whole election was a bit like watching the Elephant Man trying to decide which side to part his hair. The first one was her brand of feminism. Trump went to Saudi Arabia on his first foreign trip. Melania saw how women were being treated in Saudi Arabia and tried to claim asylum. I think out Brexit negotiating team would end up paying full price on a DFS sofa.
I think the funniest thing about Brexit is that UKIP have had to reposition themselves, because they got what they wanted, they got out of the EU. Nobody gives a fuck about their other positions.
So they have had to reinvent themselves as the party of Islamophobia, and they are doing that by expressing solidarity for groups that they think Islam discriminates against. Do you know what UKIP are saying is their reason they want to ban the burka now? If there were no Ego, there would be no Guardians of the Galaxy. But still we hate him. Like, what a jerk! This meathead wants what he wants when he wants it. There is no stopping him.
And let's be honest, we love him for it. And we could listen to that laugh over and over again. Can we get a Drax ring tone? Ladies, boys are stupid, but some are worth it. Peter Quill is a babe. Can someone hook a sister up? There is a little Groot in all of us. Yea, we've all been there. And you thought you had daddy issues. This movie made your dad look like the best dad in the world. It may have even made you call him to tell him that you miss them. Thanks Marvel for the therapy session. We will do anything for the little pile of twigs.
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Press the death button, go ahead. We will still love and protect you. Perhaps the best tangent in movie history. The timing was perfect and the delivery was spot on.
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Hey, do you have any tape? Quill waits his whole life to come face to face with his father and bam! Ego totally blew it and left us all disappointed. Way to go space dad. You're a real jerk.
Our love for Yondu is strong. He will live in our hearts til the end of time. We will never forget you. May you all find this kind of happiness. Live long and prosper. Latest Fails Funny News Awesome.