I can tell you that at 40 I have never regretted not having children. I know women in their 50s and 60s that chose to not have children, for many reasons, that feel the same way. Life without children is exciting, spontaneous, free, and whatever you want it to be. Welcome to the club! Your story really resonates with me. I am French and been living in Southern California for 20 years!
I went through fertility treatments 4 years ago I was 39 and decided to stop after a few months. It was a difficult time both physically, emotionally and even financially, felt I aged 20 years in 6 months!!! Peri menopause or menopause are not words we are excited to hear about at first! But I feel anew now, still happy with my husband of 20 years ….
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I feel stronger physically, started to run and did my first half marathon in February. The toll of the treatments was hard on my body and it took me a while to feel better. It feels good to move on…life has so much to offer and being open to new ways of living is the key. Thanks for sharing your story, there are many of us out there: Sincerely sorry to hear about your fertility issues I suffered through fertility treatments as well. I read your Lenny letter, read this post and your Instyle article and I felt the urge to tell you that you are brave, self-aware, and so generous to share your experiences and feelings with us.
Thank you for sharing — your writing inspires me every time I read it. Women go through so many reincarnations throughout life and as I am in the midst of going through one now, I fully appreciate reading about your journey and knowing that in the end, everything will work out. Wishing you continued success and happiness! When I came across your Lenny letter I stopped what I was doing and gave it my full attention, because it was your voice again and it was beautifully moving.
I immediately sent it to my best friends. Like everyone else has said, we need more voices talking candidly about the array of female experience. When you wrote what you did, so many of us felt seen! Because, talk about the judgement! We need to make our supportive voices louder to drown out the judgements!
To each her own! The other sentiment I want to echo is joy to read your voice again. Finally, I spent the last two evenings before I went to sleep reading the comments section. Your readers, especially the ones compelled to comment here, are lovely people with valuable thoughts. Thanks to all of you for taking the time. Mais je ne sais pas quand ni comment cela se passera, si cela se passe. A ce propos, question sans rapport avec le reste: En tous cas, merci pour tout ce que tu partages! And it is always a pleasure for me in the morning to open the page and see the text from you.
It was such a diffuclt time for you and you did a right thing- stay in shadow for a moment to appear again strong and happy! Just please go on and share your humour, your light with us! Hi Garance, so good to hear from you. I wish you alle the best, whatever that may be in the flow of life! Luckily, we gave us three month just like that, trying with good old lovemaking, no fuss. When I had some pain in my lower belly in march my doctor prescribed some anti bacteria pills!! I was actually pregnant!! So much pressure, so many doctors always warning you for too many things, taking multiple tests and whatsoever.
We finally have a wonderful baby, even birth was comparably easy, and I really wonder if all this pressure talk and fear of something bad happening was necessary. I wish you all the luck there is, with or without child!! Love from Berlin, Uli. Garance thank you for sharing heart touching and moving story about your life.
Thank you for encouraging us and for teaching us that being a woman is much more than being having children. I understand what you been through and I can only applaud and admire your courage to confront those difficulties and say hey, there is so much more to live out there. Thank you for sharing this and for your Lenny Letter. Long ago, I too tried and failed to have a baby.
In the end it turned out I had stage 4 endometriosis and, instead of a child, I had a full hysterectomy at age For a period of time after that, my husband and I pursued adoption. We were pretty far down that path when I started acting in a way that, in retrospect, made it pretty clear this was not what I wanted to do. This was a crisis time in our marriage and we came pretty close to losing it all.
My husband, like Chris, was following my lead, and where I was leading us was to an unhappy place in our lives together. In the end, we made it through everything, including the damage we had both caused to our marriage, and ended up in a much stronger place as partners and as individuals, for which we are both eternally grateful.
I was, to some extent, just following the map drawn out by those who have gone before me — love, marriage, children. I truly sympathize with those men and women who want children and cannot have them, but I also embrace those, myself included, who are perfectly happy without them and I am happy to live in a time where it feels more like a choice and less like a stigma.
I am happy for you that you are feeling at peace with where you are in this moment. I also wanted to touch on your remark about deciding not to be shy anymore because I had the exact same experience at the end of our no-baby story. It coincided with me taking a new job, in part because I was worried that my marriage was crashing and burning and I needed more money to be able support myself in the unhappy case of a divorce.
When I took that job, I knew I was going to be put in all kinds of circumstances that would be extremely uncomfortable for this introverted, shy woman. I treated it as a Kamikaze mission and threw myself into the experience with everything I had, which did not feel like not much at the time. Seventeen years have passed and I feel like a different person, a happier person, a better person for the experiences, including the not so good ones — still introverted, but stronger than my younger self, and accepting and honest about who I am.
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Best wishes to you. I was afraid of it. When I started following you a gazillion years ago, I did because I was always looking forward to your illustrations. A dose of beautiful art on my screen! So, seeing your art work again on the screen would be lovely! A great place for a future retreat would be Rio!
I live in Buenos Aires, so near… I would go, no doubt! I just want to say your piece brought tears to my eyes… How painful it is to keep our lives trying to fill all the boxes as you said! It is pretty painful and a burden I guess specially for young women. We are sooo much more than a job, a relationship, a size, or what ever… At 40 I had a hysterectomy, it was not what imagined but life happens. I am 51 now and fortunately I made peace with it a while ago. Also living in Los Angeles! Thank you for your openness and strength to write about fertility. Fertility seems to be a scary world from the outside in.
I had a short visit to that world with my husband during the summer. In April my husband was diagnosed with cancer. As a couple in their early 30s we quickly faced the question of procreating. We had talked about it in the past, and put off trying because we had really enjoyed our life as is.
Not to mention wanting to get all out financial and career goals to a good place. The doctor assured us the treatment had a low rate of wiping out his fertility, and considering everything else we had on our plates we decided to forgo the preservation. Fast forward 2 months later and a not so successful pet scan, his doc recommended we get on the next line chemo which had a higher toxicity and chance of wiping him completely of his fertility.
Faced again with a quick few days to figure this out, he decided we needed get to a clinic. I felt horrible for him. Now the pressure of his only shot at preserving his maybe future kids. I was proud of his strength to even get through that day, despite his low sperm count. Low enough where the bank asked us if we were sure we wanted to preserve the sample. Not only do you have to deal with the emotional side, but there is also the financial part of it. Maybe more pets, travel, enjoying just each other and maybe adoption.
Life is a true bitch sometimes, but you lean on your loved ones and hold them close and enjoy what you have. Fertility and life are quite complicated. Glad to have you back — and to hear that your wellbeing has been nourished and tended to. Looking forward to hearing your insights and watching your creativity unfold again. Ok i hereby grant you unlimited free hug token to be used anytime you find yourself in Kuala Lumpur. I remember now, at one of the last visits to the IVF centre, walking slowly in, feeling that it was not going to be all right, almost whispering to my husband that I would have had imagined that I would got cancer but not infertile…… Starting with two big cyst in my ovaries, having endometriosis, operations, toxics hormones, flames getting out of my mouth!!
Ohh Garance, you are such a beautiful soul on this earth, it broke my heart reading your story. I wish I could give you a big hug now. Tears do not dry from one month to the other, give yourself time, a lot of time. Sending you lots of love. Je trouve cela terrible, les gens ne devraient jamais demander car on ne sait jamais ce que vit la personne en face. Dear Garance, I have never left a comment on anything in my life as a reserved English woman. I have been an avid reader from the beginning and am moved to post this today. Do whatever you know is the right thing for you and your future, however as an adopted child and just spent 2 days with a 52 yr old friend with a gorgeous 3 yr old 3 months in recently adopted child, there are so many happy outcomes.
Not for everyone but so interesting to see it from both sides. I wish you so much happiness in your future, whatever that brings and so appreciate how you have so generously shared all of what you have experienced so far. Your message of empathy is wonderful. Know that you are a mother already. A mother of great style and charm to all your followers. Three things — I, like the psychic, believe that nothing is physically preventing you from having a child. But consulting a doctor and going through all this stress made it impossible for you to conceive.
He is a good man. He loves you no matter what. This to me is so much more valuable than having a child. You can always find a way to have a child if you really want to. But a life partner, that is also a lover and a best friend? Dearest Garance, I have been following your blog since when I was resolving emotional turmoils myself. You express your thoughts so beautifully in writing it touches so many of us who read them. I only met and spoke with you a mere few minutes during your book tour to SF but the moment will linger indelibly because you are so relatable.
Any addition s in your life will only be so blessed as to have found encompassing love and be embraced as family. Thanks for your heartfelt piece. I think you need to get back to Corsica for a spell. Too many changes in locale too fast. I am 43 and single; I would love to have children, it is probably too late. There are very few articles that I find honest and also make me feel human, soft and by the way I am a psychiatrist and psychotherapist: I know the jargon, the theories, the analysis, the pain.
I hope that your essential kindness, strength and openness will see you through. Oh and love, that complex elusive creature. Thanks a lot for this and for the Lenny Letter, I can understand how hard is to talk about this. The last one was 2 months after my 40th birthday, I was in the hospital, my husband laid beside, we were alone, we had long stopped telling our families about my pregnancies. Through pain, sadness and fatigue, my body was telling me clearly: I shared this thought to my husband. He told me that he was tired to see me sad and in pain, and he felt ready to accept that simply we could not have a child.
Life with children is not what parents expected, let me tell you that also a childless life, for a couple who tried hard to have one, is not what you expect. I expected a thin layer of sadness covering everything, a constant regret. One day an acquaintance brought to his home and introduced me to his teenager girls. A big, big hug for you and Chris. Dear Garance, I am really happy that you are back writing to us!
I read your Lenny letter and I have to thank you! It is so important to think about the pressure to be a mother, not only a woman. And I also think, that this pressure prohibits a lot of babies. I know all this: My husband and I sat there one day, looking at each other and knowing: I was 42… Now I am 48 and we have two wonderful kids. A boy and a girl, and every evening when we do our last round through the house and looking into their faces while they are sleeping, we look at each other and are more thankful than we can describe. But we also know: We had made it, anyhow, anyway. I wish you, Chris and Lulu all the best and that our love will be the base of everything what has to come!
Je te souhaite plein de bonne chose pour la suite: Thank you for opening up, Garance! Look at this beautiful community you have created, Garance. Looking through the comments, your responses, it is evident how deeply your story resonates with so many woman, and how your candor and warmth have provided a space for honesty and healing for others. You continue to encourage and inspire me, as your blog has deepened, changed, grown, expanded. Through all of that growth your voice has stayed so true and so recognizable.
Thank you thank you thank you.
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All the best to you in this exciting fresh new chapter of your life. Dear dear dear Garance, the Lenny piece may be the best piece that you have written. When I heard somebody describe us once as such it made me so angry! There are so many ways to describe a woman, a couple. There are so many ways that a woman can lead a fulfilling and interesting life, connecting with others. I am so sorry that you had to go through this painful time. The good thing is that you found yourself again, and I am sure that whatever happens and whatever you decide to do, your life will be wonderful and fulfilling, with or without children.
I am happy that Chris is the kind of man that does not have to have children to feel successful. Furthermore -did you notice? I will keep on following you have been there almost since the beginning , this was such a good message painful as it was to read what you had to go through , it was so honest, strong and inspiring.
Am very curious now how your life and your views will evolve. Soon glad you moved away from the fashion shows, maybe you became too much of a fashion person yourself. Love love love this, just think of all the wonderful things that can happen in your life.
Big kiss, a renewed fan!!! Je commente assez peu voire jamais? Nous avons une magnifique petite fille de 4 ans et demi. Hi Garance, I had no idea bout your Lenny letter, so I have just read it now with tears in my eyes for all that you have been through and continue to go through. I have had my own share of heartbreak regarding failed pregnancies, premature babies and a body that seemed totally incapable of holding onto life.
It is a terribly sad and lonely experience, one that is made so much worse by society — the glamour of pregnancy and the lack of any other side of this experience being told. I am so glad you are speaking up publicly for the other side. It would have given me great comfort to read this letter a few years ago. It was such a incredible relief when other women spoke to me about their own losses, it made me feel less of a freak.
Eventually I have taken from this experience an incredible sense of strength and knowledge, surviving this experience had been the greatest thing for me and my husband to achieve so far in our life together. I am so glad again for your honesty and your voice. You have touched on a subject very close to my heart. I wish you and Chris all the very best.
Je suis contente de te retrouver: I have followed you a long time. I love what you do, and how you show up. You basically told my story. It is almost identical. I met my now husband at 38, we started trying at But we were done. We wanted to buy a home and stop renting. We made the decision to stop trying and be happy anyway. I know in my heart it was the right one, because we have each other and our life is great. I have a business I love and its growing all the time.
We are really happy. I am reminded that I am different to almost everyone I know, as nearly everyone has kids. I am honestly really fine most of the time, but sometimes I allow myself to be jealous and feel sorry for myself. Then in the next day I can see friends with kids and how their lives are not their own, and feel we dodged a bullet.
And that is life. Feelings changing moment to moment.
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But resding your story touched me so much as its just sometimes good to know that someone else gets it. I have never read about anyone who decided to stop treatment rather than being told they were at the end of the line. We are told that when we want something enough we can have it — keep on going, spending in the bottomless pit of debt to get the baby.
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And I do believe that if we had spent more money and had more cycles we would have a child. I think it is because I am a content person and knew in my heart can be happy with a child and happy without one, they are both just happy. I love my dog so much sometimes I cant believe I could have loved a child anymore than that!
I have the feeling of love caring for him. I have a loving husband who is my best friend, and many relationships I see around me of my friends with kids are that the relationship with the other half is tolerating each other at best, as they have no time for each other anymore. Anyway, sorry for the ramble, but I wanted to say thank you for sharing. You realize that you have control over many things in your life, but your fertility is not one of them. To make matters worse, getting pregnant is such a mystery to the medical community and their approach is completely backwards.
Je vous souhaitez plein bonheur Garance. I teared up reading your Lenny Letter! Dear Garance, Just to add to all the kind and thoughtful comments … it is your courage and honesty that keeps us all reading and following and loving your blog.
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The fact that you share with us those exact moments that have made us all feel at some point or another in our lives like we are less than, or not as good as…or somehow failed at something, and admit those things felt bad, awful and tough is a rare thing indeed. Its not so much that misery loves company as it is that one finds strength in numbers, and while intellectually we all know that everyone goes through these things, emotionally we all feel isolated.
Thank you for this Lenny letter, and for that lovely piece about giving up fashion shows and also for simply being someone who tries to see herself clearly and honestly as much as possible. Inspiring many of us to do the same.
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Un texte tellement inspirant! I wish you all the best. Just thinking about the clinic I went to makes me shudder. The endless blood tests, ultrasounds, the continuous comments about your age. After doing it, frankly it is amazing to me how many of us go through it, cracking jokes and being so, so brave. But objectively, IVF is such an incomplete science, so invasive for women. There needs to be more written from the inside, like this, a call to remember our humanity and to remember that we are complete as we are.
Just thinking about the clinic that I went to makes me shudder.
And the life you live within cycling; friends giving you space, the friends saying the wrong things, helpfully, but struggling for words, inevitably feeling alone with your biological failure. After doing it, frankly it is amazing to me how many of us go through it, the horrors, cracking jokes and being so, so brave. Garance, I was gobsmacked when I read this post! You are so brave to write and share what you and Chris have been through. My heart aches for her as we come from a family of 4 daughters, family means a lot to us all!!!
Life can just be SO unfair! This was the most moving piece Lenny I have ever read from you Garance. It really resonated, as I am 39, freshly divorced and I always followed love more than any plans about family and stability. Now I am back in my home country after 10 years in NYC and I am facing so much pressure in this subject from people around me, it is quite shocking.. As in NYC nobody would bother me about it… Thank you for showing me the light! Les amis, il fait froid dehors.
Et dans quelques semaines, nous En ce moment, impossible de porter son sac comme une dame sans Nous sommes plus gais, plus unis, et plus heureux que jamais. En attendant, contente, joyeuse, super heureuse de vous retrouver. Garance The Next Chapter. Dear Garance, Once again, we are so similar…I am also going through fertility problems and these last 2 years have been very painful for me.
Happy to read you again. Islands are special, Hawaii perhaps among the best ones! And your new illustration IS fabulous. And to you, our dear friend; a poem. And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? And what did you want? Tp call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth. Best to you in your new home — fill it with love! But a huge one. Those more-thanseconds-long kind of. Thank you for sharing, Garance! Bonjour Garance, Merci, merci, vraiment! Hi Garance, I have felt compelled to write to you since I read your Lenny letter. Garance, Your story really resonates with me.
Hugs all around, Manuela. I send you lots of good vibes and happiness, Adriana http: Much love and hugs to you Garance! I could use some too hahah. Dear Garance, Three things — I, like the psychic, believe that nothing is physically preventing you from having a child. Sending you a hug from far-away September London xxx Anastasia. Dear Garance, Thanks a lot for this and for the Lenny Letter, I can understand how hard is to talk about this. The Wall gatefold gram vinyl 2xLP. Caravan gram vinyl LP. Moonmadness gatefold gram audiophile vinyl LP. Third remastered gatefold gram vinyl 2xLP.
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