A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. So we stopped playing chess. That is wrong on so many different levels. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
It never really took off.
100pcs Fast Food Slime Plastic Toys Kids Children Adults Resin Dulcet Funny 2018
My friend says to me: Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. Two whales walk into a bar. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? That's why our new email newsletter will deliver a mobile-friendly snapshot of inews. This will feature the stories you need to know, as well as a curated selection of the best reads from across the site.
Of course, you can easily opt out at any time, but we're confident that you won't.
Покупки по категориям
News The Essential Daily Briefing. Check the URL for errors or try our searching inews. Alex Nelson 7 months Friday May 25th Here's why Boxing Day is called Boxing Day. Benefits dates for Christmas The schedule in full. This is what happens if the UK leaves the EU without a deal.
Tory Brexiteer ushered off Sky News debate for 'patronising' behaviour. Best father of the bride jokes for a wedding speech to remember. Everything you need to know about the 'Why You Coming Fast? Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh. Here are guaranteed to get a quick laugh: Then I took one out, opened to a random spot and just kept it open, waiting to get caught.
I silently signaled to a few people in class and they started laughing. The teacher looked at what they were laughing at and saw me with yet another book. She looked at her desk where there were seemingly 3 Artemis books and saw me with a 4th. She took it, walked back to her desk, put it down, turned around, and saw me with the second book that got taken back on my desk!!!
The teacher thought she was going to win this game but underestimated my teamwork with my classmates. So the second she came over to me to take the seemingly 5th book, another classmate took back the other two books from her desk and split them up—sending one to me one way, and the other another way. The teacher was very flustered and laughing hysterically at this point and there was no more teaching going on. The entire class was also going ballistic trying to see who would win. So at the end of the class she thought she had taken 11 books from me. I took pity on her and told her what was really happening.
- Funny Video Game Memes Collection.
- Jokes | Top | Short and Funny Jokes!
- How to Play Family Feud.
- Mamadou et le fantôme de Drummondville (French Edition).
- Baby, Youre My Great Big Car Crash!.
- Une mère russe (Les Cahiers Rouges) (French Edition).
I told her that I had already read the first book, and all the teamwork that went on. We were both laughing and making jokes. In the end she agreed to let me read my own books as long as I kept track of the actual book we were reading. My younger brother Eric asks if he can take off his pants too and Ethan says yeah, just make sure you have clean underwear on. The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.
Now people call him lotion boy. I never got to eat my Pringles: Okay, so this was in fourth grade, and I was in this class with all these dumbass kids. My parents usually pack me fruit for a snack, but on this day they packed me like half of the leftover Pringles from the day before, you know, in that cylinder container. I started scoping the area, trying to find my Pringles. Moira was this chubby girl in my class that literally ALWAYS wore this purple princess dress that should be classified as a bad Halloween costume seriously and was known for being a bitch.
So I stomp out of the class and start searching for Moira. So after a solid 10 minutes, I find a group of these kids crowded at the side of one of the portable classrooms. I rush over to see what it is. The kids were eating Pringles. So one time I was home alone and it was around dinnertime when I decided to make myself something to eat. Thinking that my parents must have thrown away the box for box tops, I called my mom to ask how long and at what temperature to cook chicken nuggets.
She told me both of them, I laid out about 20 on a tray and stuck it in the oven, setting the timer before I walked out of the kitchen. When it was almost time to get my chicken nuggets, I walked into a cinnamon scented kitchen. I searched all over that kitchen, trying to find the cinnamon scent, leading me to the oven.
I decide to turn on the oven light to see if maybe my mom had stuck some cookies in the oven and forgot to bake them, but instead, I find that the tray my chicken nuggets were on has cookies on it instead! Somehow in some form, I had accidentally baked snickerdoodles. And that is why my parents can never take my cooking seriously. Painting a roller coaster: So in my junior year of high school I got a project to make a roller coaster for my physics class. Everything was going fine until the day my partner and I had to paint the thing. We were in my garage spray painting the tubes and these two guys come marching up to the house across the street and start yelling at the top of their lungs, beating on the door.
Well I called the police, closed the garage and parked myself in front of the dining room window. Long story short the police showed up in full gear broke down the door and brought out the two boys at gunpoint. So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall. The next day at school, the teacher asked us what we had done over the weekend.
Now normally I never raise my hand. But I did this time. I fucking did it this time. The worst possible time. So when I was in the eighth grade, science class was the most boring hours of my life. I started panicking because the game noises were excruciatingly loud. I kept playing and got eaten by a ghost almost after I pressed the start button my hands were shaking like crazy ….
My teacher and everyone else started laughing and I got so red afterwards. Now when we stand up for the pledge, he moves all the way to the back of the room away from me…. In fifth grade, my teacher loathed me. So still, to this day, I get my hands confused. The principal and I were quite aquatinted at this point and so I told her why I was sent back to her office again, and she laughed.
My principal wrote on the back of my hands, L and R. She did the same to hers. My best friend and I are super weird, and whenever either of us see an attractive person we tend to take a picture of them and send it to each other, because why not?
Anyway, I was on a cruise ship with my grandparents, and I spot this super cute guy a couple years older than me. I make eye contact with thus cute guy, look at my Grandparents who both look extremely disappointed, and a few other people are looking at me. Obviously I left the room immediately.
Other Ways to Play
So I have this health teacher who is really insane about exercise. This woman has done ironman triathlons, and talks about going to the YMCA at 5: Basically we have this project to pick a health goal to do for a month.
Things like drinking water or doing squats. For that you need some motivation so we were talking about physical things to reward ourselves with. She decided to tell us about her sporting goods fetish, where she goes into a store and buys a bunch of gear like they were books. Looking back that was my first existential crisis. Now, in 6th grade I had one really close friend who I never actually got into a fight with.
I was really good at holding grudges because I was not a forgiving child, so for three weeks I completely ignored my best friend in anger to the point where she started crying in front of the teacher and he asked what was going on. Sniffing candles with my best friend: So my best friend and I were in a super market and there were a lot of new candles.
Whatever I guess we sniffed to much candles because we started laughing very hard and I lay on the floor and my best friend fell into to pasta shelf which made us laugh even more and louder and people were already staring at us. After the final bell, my friend and I were walking to our buses after school through a crowded hallway. We were talking about childhood and reminiscing about old memories, and we somehow started talking about which people became hot since middle school.
And OF COURSE he heard her, but it was so awkward so he just walked past us looking down at his phone and my friend fell on the ground from embarrassment. I took Chinese at school as a freshman. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen.
When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. A couple years ago my friends and I were going to see a movie in the theatre at the mall.
Instead of paying the ridiculous movie theatre prices for pop and candy, we decided to go to target to buy some stuff. My friend told me she had seen a bottle with my name on it inside this bin of Coke. The pop was at least five or six feet in diameter. I watched as people passed the mess and made looks of disgust. Imagine if I had opened it inside of the theatre…. Once upon a time I had a friend that was going to a Panic! At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her.
So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house which also happened to be my cousins house so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me. I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up. This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter. When I was younger, around 3 or 4 years old, I had a phase of flushing things down the toilet.
I opened the cap, let it go into the toilet, and flushed. One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom.
of the funniest short jokes and one-liners that will have you laughing in seconds
Before I continue, I should specify two things. Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…. I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: I was mortified, but he just started laughing. I have decided to remain anonymous to protect my identity from the foolishness.
I removed the various packets from the bowl, added the flavor and vegetables, then put the bowl in the microwave. After about a minute or two, I realized something was wrong. A terrible burning smell had filled my kitchen. I opened the door to my microwave and…low and behold…I had neglected to add water. There was some smoke coming from the bowl. Not wanting to waste the ramen, I went to the sink and added water, which filled the room in acrid smoke for several seconds.
I then returned the bowl to the microwave and cooked it for two more minutes before attempting to eat it. It went okay for a little while, until I discovered a globule of blackened noodles which had turned into some sort of strange crystalline substance yet seen in nature by humankind. I had a change of heart. When I was in the 6th grade my parents decided I should get my first cell phone because I was going to middle school now and things were different. I took decent care of my phone and never needed a replacement. Well, flash forward to Memorial Day weekend.
My family and another family went camping up in Pennsylvania for the weekend. Well, one of the days we were up there my buddy, Oliver, and I decided to take the kayaks out on the lake. Genius me, decided she wanted to listen to the 4 Selena Gomez songs I had on my phone. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to put my phone in a plastic bag to protect it from the water.
100+ Fun Family Feud Questions and Answers
When we got back from kayaking I took my phone out only to find the bag was submerged in water. We had no rice or anything to save my phone so we tried laying it out to dry, not even 15 minutes later it starts down pouring destroying my phone even more. When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected. I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was.
We get in the car and I thought I was doing pretty well, until she starts freaking out? When we get there, there is a state trooper waiting for me. Literally had to take a sobriety test when I tried to get my license. At least I passed one test that day. That one time I got lost: So about a year ago, I was in Phys.