Cheryl Bailey (Author of Healing Through Shame to Wake Up the Love)
What I have come to understand about the grieving process as it connects to my recovery anniversary is that I am grieving the visceral hollowness I felt towards the end of my using. That vast, real sense of being empty, unworthy, and unlovable permeated my entire existence and landed me in very dangerous situations. Each year around this anniversary waves of emotions surface that need to flow through and out of me. They remind me of that young woman who was so scared to be herself that she tried her best to disappear.
They remind me of a time in my life where I was desperate to be held and told that I would be okay. And they remind me that my spirit is resilient and that the unworthiness I felt has never been who I am. I know for sure that shame wants you to be judged. We keep small by not talking about what is really going on and hiding our experiences from each other.
Shame wants us to stay small. The bottom of my addiction was being raped at gunpoint. The man lived across the street from my college dorm. The details are not important. What matters, is that traumatic experience that was the lowest point of my life and summed up the essence of my addiction. It was the ultimate manifestation of the unworthiness I felt my entire life.
When I managed to escape down the hall of his building, clothing in hand, I was the most scared I have ever been. I stopped going to class all together. I held onto this very painful experience for many years in my sobriety. I also believed that I deserved it. I thought being raped was my fault because I was the one that had been up using for days on end, I was asking for it.
I told her I already addressed it through other talk therapy sessions, meditation, and loads of 4th steps, but she said that energetically I was still hanging on to it and I needed to process the trauma through my body. After hearing her words I sat there on the couch sobbing because I knew she was right.
How could I miss this? I was afraid of being seen as less human somehow because I still have work to do. Shame is all about the ego. It wants us to stay isolated because that is where it thrives. It feeds off our suffering. The moment we shine a light into shame is the moment it starts to disintegrate.
Shame cannot exist in the face of openhearted vulnerability. Over the last six months I have cleared the majority of the trauma energy in body through my breathwork and writing practices. Almost every woman I know who struggled with addiction has a similar story. Most rapes go unreported and mine was one of them.
What I know for sure today is that I have to go to the depths of my darkness and share it with you. Creating that connection is what matters most to me. Healing shame has to be part of the trauma conversation. When a woman lifts herself up out of the darkness and commits to her healing and growth, she lifts up future generations of women and heals her lineage. Below is a poem I wrote last year after a huge breathwork clearing. Thank you for seeing me and for being part of this community. I am grateful everyday I have a place to speak openly and continue to do this amazing work I get to do.
Pulses of energy shooting down my spine, collecting like bullets in the soles of my feet —. Emotions pulled my stomach to my spine, this dark energy with all its fingers digging in every which way. Like a steel web, starting in my stomach extending out towards every area of my body, out into my energy field.
I was also halfway around the world hanging out with a woman I wanted desperately to fall in love with me. This was my big secret. There is no amount of busy that will keep me from having to feel the wretchedness of this dark energy living inside. I finally felt the shame. Screaming like a starving wild animal in the night. Letting the energy move. Allowing the feelings to flow through, up, and out of me. If you are wanting to heal trauma and gain clarity through breath healing please reach out.
I would be honored to support you. Wow, thank you so much for writing this. This really means a lot to me to read this and to know someone has been to the same dark places I have also been. Thank you for being here and sharing that you relate. Sending love to you.
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Hi, I love you and your strength and beauty you incredible woman you. I hope you know how amazing you are. Thank you for being such a force in our community and for showing up and doing the work. Truly grateful for you. Raw and so needed to be heard. Your words and willingness to unlock the secrets of your past free all of us up to do the same. Thank you for your vulnerability Ashley. So grateful for your work.
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Love and blessings, Jamie. Hello dear Jamie, Your words are coming through at the perfect time. Thank you for being here and for the love and support. I am honored to be in community with you. Hello Dorit, You are welcome. I am grateful you are here.
If there is anything I can do to help feel free to reach out. Sending love to you on your journey.
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Thank you for sharing your journey and especially opening up about your addiction. So few people speak openly and honestly about addiction, but it really touches all of our lives. I hope sharing your story was as cathartic for you as it was meaningful for your readers. Sending love and light. Thank you for your thoughtful and kind words Carolyn. What you said about few people speaking up about addiction was one of the main reasons I wrote this. Transparency is really important to me as is being of service to anyone who has been affected by addiction.
Wishing you a wonderful week and thank you again for being here. I would love to somehow in some way begin to heal past trauma and shame. Thank you for being so brave and bringing light into the darkness. Hello Kim, It is lovely to connect with you. Thank you for being here and sharing what you are going through. Healing trauma and shame is possible.
For so long I thought I was going to carry all of the heaviness that comes along with it. Please reach out if there is anything I can do to support you. Sending lots of light and love your way. Thank you for sharing and writing. Your honesty is everything. Sending love and light your way.
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I applaud your courage and your bravery for this incredibly tender and beautiful post. It is so touching, honest and sincere. Sending you much love and light. Thank you so much Nina. I am holding your generous words and loving kindness very dear this evening. It truly means a great deal to me. I know part of my journey this year is to show more layers of myself and to be able to have a place to share and be loved through it is such potent medicine. Thank you for holding the space and making this a deeply loving and healing community.
Sending you a giant hug and wishing you a wonderful week. But bless you for sharing it for those that need to hear it. May your healing continue. This is such a sad story, but it seems like you made the first step which is good. I cannot find the right words, but I am sending you a biiig hug! You are so very, very brave. This makes me love you even more!! I applaud your vulnerability and am so honored to be your friend!! Love you so much Nadine. Thank you for being here and for the continued encouragement and support. Shame is not just about having a bad day, it is about being a bad person.
It is a mistaken belief that I am inadequate, misshapen, unlovable, or beyond repair. We all carry shame, although some of us are not conscious of it. We usually try to conceal it with false self-esteem, or by trying to please people, work harder, blame others, or control our lives. We connect with our shame when we have experiences that remind us we are not living up to expectations or when we are compared to others.
For example, we are not good enough parents, we are not loved or lovable, not smart enough, not slim enough. I felt enormous shame when I was running an organization that focused on healing people and marriages and I could not heal my own marriage. I felt I did not deserve to be leading this organization.
When I left the marriage and later was asked to teach a course at a seminary, I was invited to first interview with the dean to discuss my divorce. Since I had felt that God was instrumental in leading me out of my marriage, this interview compounded my shame. Where do we get this shame? Oh, its insidious tentacles come from many sources. Our culture prescribes who and how we are to be in order to be successful. So if we do not measure up; if we are not as healthy, athletic, or wealthy as the image projected to us, we can feel shame.
If we are compared to anyone else, especially siblings, and we come up short, we can feel shame. Or if we do not adequately provide for our families shame can cripple us. Unfortunately the church, where we might want to go for solace in our shame, many times either does not address shame or adds to it, in some instances, by harsh teachings on sin and inadequacy. My healing of this religious shame came when I experienced the Extended Ignatian Exercises, an inner journey through the life of Jesus developed by St. Ignatian in the 16th century.
In his wise counsel with God, Ignatius started the exercises with the Principle and Foundation, upon which he based all of the rest of the teachings.
Waking Up To Shame
Principle and Foundation is essentially that we were created to find ourselves in God. And God loves us unconditionally. We can release all else that we cling to because our souls are drawn to God. Yes, like Adam and Eve, we have fallen from that grace; we sin, we disappoint. But God is always there to heal and reconcile us. When I began to experience that love I was fortified enough to approach my shame. God attended sweetly to me, gave me images of hope, brought angels to soothe me, and built up my courage to make difficult choices.
We can start by noticing any moments when we are in contact with that someone beyond ourselves. Then we can let God take root in our daily lives. If I can imagine God loving me like a wise grandparent or an adult friend, I can develop the courage to come closer to my own wounds and ask God to heal me from my shame and self-neglect. It gives me hope for my despair and a new way through my shame.
- How to Release Shame and Love All of You.
- Waking Up To Shame |?
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This slow change, from shame to love, was difficult because I had gotten used to shame. But I found that naming and embracing shame, by speaking and writing about it, slowly turned it into honor; honor of my truths, honor from my creator, honor of my life path of healing. It no longer ruled me or controlled my life. A deeper truth prevailed. I still feel shame and I still wake up vulnerable to it when I am in a tough place. What helps me most in those early morning hours, is to invite Jesus into the shame with me. When I embrace myself in bed and rest my hand and wrist on my sternum, near my heart, it feels like Jesus is embracing me.
I often hear God speaking soothingly as I finish that list.