Caring for Your Elderly Parent

Signs of overload include feelings of isolation, stress, guilt, depression, helplessness, anger, and resentment.

PARENT-CHILD ROLE REVERSAL

Geriatric social worker Suzanne Alexander offers these tips to relieve the stresses of caregiving in these predictable situations:. Alexander recommends periodically taking a deep breath, stepping back, and assessing what your loved one's needs are today and will be in the future. Make a list of tasks and priorities, ranked according to what you need to do personally and what you can delegate. Alexander says, "Make a list of what your needs are, starting with the personal. Protect the time you have with your spouse and children.

If you get on a treadmill, it's easy to find every minute scheduled, [with] nothing left for you. You need to find something that feeds you -- a walk, reading, solitude, dancing, exercise -- and schedule that in. Offer specific things they can do, whether it's vacuuming, cooking, or watching your loved one so you can have some time to yourself. One long-time caregiver offers this advice: If you find you urgently need human contact, invite over two friends or relatives who've volunteered to help at the same time.

One can cook and look after your loved one while you and your other companion talk, take a walk, and savor your freedom -- then take a walk with your other friend when you come back. Alexander advises caregivers to learn to say "no" in cases where they used to say "yes," in order to protect their time and energy.

You may not want to keep writing for that weekly newsletter, for example. Don't try to be all things to all people.

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You can say no without putting someone out of your heart; it's not selfish to take care of yourself in order to give the best possible care to someone else. Alexander says, "Find support groups -- informal or formal -- where you can express feelings that you are uncomfortable with, such as frustration and resentment. Says Alexander, "Try -- no matter how difficult it is -- to have a life outside your caregiving duties.

Take a caregiver 'vacation. Respite can mean short-term care in your home or at hospitals, senior day care, or residential care facilities. Don't feel you need to handle everything alone.

If you find yourself continually tense and irritable, experts advise using relaxation techniques such as deep breathing exercises, music, nature walks, massage, visualization, and going to the gym. Going to a gym or playing golf can do worlds of good.

Parenting the Parent: Caring for Elderly Parents

Studies show that a positive outlook can do more for health than we realize. Alexander advises finding out if your employer has an employee assistance program EAP you can use to find out about counseling and other support programs that may be in your benefit package. Some federal and state laws offer employees assistance in maintaining their caregiving responsibilities.

FMLA allows employees to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave to care for an ill family member. Some states also offer paid leave for caregivers. For instance, in California, working caregivers may receive 55 percent of their wages for up to six weeks of leave per year. But what if you reach the point where you feel you just can't give any more?

In this case, experts suggest, you may need to hire help from a home health agency. Or you may need to consider placing your loved one in residential care -- especially if you cannot find adequate or affordable in-home care services to replace your own care. In the most desperate situations, you may want to speak with a family or grief counselor or hire a care manager to organize and monitor your loved one's care. Good self-care is largely a matter of awareness: Never lose sight of the importance of putting your own health first.

Experts advise you to look at the situation realistically and to be forgiving and patient with yourself. You choose to be there because of your love or sense of duty, but as an individual, you have a right to wellness and to love yourself. When you have to be a caregiver, you have two choices: You can fall apart or you can find inner strength. In my case, regaining my health took an understanding that what I had done for my parents was good enough: That the measure of love and devotion I gave was more important than finding the right home health agency.

Handling these crises gave me the inner strength to understand that every act of kindness counts, and that we're never truly alone.

Family Caregiver Alliance http: The Seven Secrets of Successful Caregiving. University of South Florida, Tampa Fl. A Tribute to the Family Caregiver. Pensions, retirement funds, IRAs, K employer matches, and other savings accounts can be similarly affected. Leaving a job may affect future job advancement, which will also effect later earnings. And work may also serve as your outlet, diversion, and social support. The short answer is yes, as long as all parties agree. We all have emotional triggers when we talk about money. Is money equivalent to love?

Have the parents provided support for one sibling all these years? What will happen to him or her when parents are no longer able to help? Should an inheritance be divided equally or given to whoever needs it most, or to whoever did the most work? If there is not a lot of money, there can be feelings of anger and resentment over the feeling that the parents put the adult children in a difficult situation.

If there is a lot of money, greed can become a motivating factor in making decisions. Often families divide up who is handling the money and who is doing the caregiving. This puts the caregiver in the position of having to ask for money, and the person handling the money has control over how money is spent. This can lead to tension and family estrangement. If the care receiver does not have dementia, he or she has the right to make decisions, including bad decisions.

Also, we worry that we will have to pick up the pieces and solve problems that arise if money is not handled judiciously. Each family struggles with this in their own way. Bringing in an outside person, such as a minister, attorney, social worker, or physician might help. Keeping an eye on the finances can help you catch any extraordinary outflows of money. Help is needed now, because making logical, rational, and reasonable decisions might not be possible later.

And since dementia gets worse with time, processes need to be put in place as soon as possible, so that someone can handle the finances down the road. It is easier to do this while the care receiver is still able to understand and sign the necessary documents to give the caregiver or a fiduciary the necessary powers. If it is not done in a timely manner, it may be necessary to apply for a conservatorship, which is expensive, emotionally wrenching, and time-consuming. It is challenging to deal with the complexity of our emotions about parents, illness, aging, and death, and sometimes these emotions come out in conflicts about money.

Family Caregiver Alliance FCA seeks to improve the quality of life for caregivers through education, services, research, and advocacy. Through its National Center on Caregiving, FCA offers information on current social, public policy, and caregiving issues and provides assistance in the development of public and private programs for caregivers. A listing of all facts and tips is available online at www.

Caregiving with Your Siblings. A Guide to Community Resources. Legal Planning for Incapacity. National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys www. Skip to main content.

You are here Home. Maybe this conversation sounds familiar to you: This leads to a conversation about other aspects of aging that involve money: Is the home the best place for the care receiver to be? Is it more expensive to pay for assisted living, or is it more expensive to hire a caregiver at home?

Would it be better for my parents to pay me to be the caregiver, or is it better to hire from outside? If we want to hire someone, should it be through an agency or should we hire privately?

• What Every Caregiver Needs to Know About Money.
• The Growing Impact of Globalization for Health and Public Health Practice (Annual Review of Public Health Book 32).
• Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Aging Parents.
• Faszination Mensch (German Edition)!
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Work and Eldercare As an adult child caring for an aging parent, you are probably torn in many directions. Financial Aspects of Becoming a Caregiver Questions to ask yourself and other family members: If I am providing the primary care, will you other family members be able to help, or will I be expected to do it all? How can we divide up the responsibilities? If I am getting paid, should you get paid for the things you do? How do we decide how their money will be spent? Who will be in control of the finances? Where will I go for support? Will my friends or family help me get breaks?

What hobbies or other things do I have that will engage me in my down time as a caregiver? How will I have the spending money to be able to go out with friends or buy things I want?