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These men are angry. They are angry with themselves expressed as self hatred and depression , and with women. They are angry, in some cases, at the world. They maybe view themselves as being in a similar situation to the tortured one that the mythic figure Tantalus found himself in.
Tantalus was punished by the gods by being immersed in water he could not drink, and being nearby a fruit tree whose boughs would blow away from his hand when he grasped at fruit. Tantalus was starving and thirsty in the midst of apparent plenty. These men are distrustful. They do not trust that any woman would ever tell them the truth. If a women were to say, honestly, that she found them attractive and a good lover, they would think that she was lying to make them feel better.
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It is impossible in the mindset of some of these men to conceive of the idea that a woman could ever accept them. When acceptance is actually offered, it is so dissonant with this conviction that it is just dismissed as an obvious lie. These men are focused almost entirely upon how to please a woman rather than how a woman could please them. This is consistent with the idea that Social Phobia Social Anxiety Disorder is present, and with the idea of inverted narcissism. More fundamentally, these men do not believe that they are or ever could be adequate sexually.
They are sure that engaging in foreplay could somewhat gratify a woman but penetration will necessarily end in failure because their penis is not "big enough". And, of course, they seem to believe that all women demand penetration; that it is not possible for women to have a satisfying sexual experience without penetration.
There is no medical procedure that we know of that can reliably and safely enlarge a small penis. For us, as psychotherapists, the question becomes, "Given that I have this problem that cannot be fixed, what can I do to reduce its impact on myself so that I can live a happier life? Our thoughts about how to answer this question follow. While these suggestions are intended as useful aids to all men, they might be especially helpful to the men who are extremely angry, hopeless and depressed because they are convinced that they are not well enough endowed.
Cognitive therapy and appraisal theory have taught us that how we think about and judge situations causes and shapes our emotional reactions to those situations. We do not become anxious about a situation unless that situation feels threatening to us. Not all situations that feel threatening actually are, however. And not all threats are actually all that dangerous either. In the case of Small Penis Syndrome, it seems to us that there are common habits of thought and common beliefs frequently present that are not necessary and which make the situation more difficult and painful than it has to be.
By identifying what those thought habits and beliefs are and taking steps to correct them, a fair amount of the pain and difficulty of this issue can likely be avoided. The most important thought habits to watch out for are rigidity, over-certainty, and a tendency to over-generalize.
As we've pointed out, men with Small Penis Syndrome tend to fixate on the idea that they are hopelessly inadequate, that all women will reject them, that all women are lying if they don't reject them, etc. There is no room to move from this position, and yet these beliefs, in their rigid over-certainty simply cannot be true in all cases. No real work on cognitive biases and faulty beliefs can occur until these men become aware and accept that they might just be wrong in some cases.
It is important for men bothered by the size of their penis to identify and correct any distorted beliefs they may have regarding their small penis. An important first step is simply identifying whether one's penis is actually small in the first place. Answering that question gets directly to the concept of reference points; that which you are comparing your penis against.
There are two kinds of reference points that matter here; those that reflect the average penis size in the community e. In our estimation, the latter is far more important than the former. If someone cares for you and accepts you as you are, with all the imperfections that plague most human bodies, then it doesn't matter so much how you stack up against other people.
In using reference points in deciding that one's penis is small, there are at least two types of data you can compare yourself against. One is testimony from women and the other is statistical data sampling distributions derived from various research studies on this topic. By women's testimony we mean stories and articles published by women in magazines and on the Internet and the like. We also mean women's behavior particularly rejecting behavior that men may have encountered directly in the course of their lives. In the case of one example blog that was pointed out to us, a woman gushed about how much she enjoyed intercourse with men who have large penises and wrote about this pleasure in such a manner as to suggest that normally she lies about this to her partners and does not tell them the truth about her preferences.
When trying to decide whether to compare one's self against a sampling distribution or against the negative testimony of a few women, it is almost always a better idea to prefer the sampling distribution. There are a number of reasons why this is the case. Two prominent reasons are that that many more people's information is typically represented in a sampling distribution than in the testimony of a few women, and that typically sampling distributions are more representative of the true nature of the population than are the opinions or observations of a few women.
A third reason to avoid testimony when possible is that it is so often used to manipulate people for commercial reasons. For example, stories appearing in magazines and blogs can be distorted and sensationalized simply because doing so will tend to attract more attention and thus more advertising dollars.
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Commercial testimonies, such as found in popular magazine stories and on blogs, and in email spam pitches for "penis patches" are not always representative of the true nature of the population because they are conceived with the idea of selling stuff. This is not a perfect rule to trust sampling distributions and to avoid reacting to testimony ; sampling distributions can be badly constructed and contain bias themselves.
However, if a sampling distribution has been well constructed in the course of a scientific study it will have been created using methods that try to reduce the possibilities for bias such as random sampling techniques, and it will contain a lot of people's information, which tends to dilute the influence of a few people with strong opinions one way or another who would otherwise stand out like sore thumbs in a tiny sample. The worst thing you can do is to feel inadequate after reading a cruel blog entry, as the opinion of one woman is never representative of what all women believe.
The men who have written us about their small penises who have compared themselves against statistical data have not always been careful about which data sets they have chosen to compare themselves against, and in some cases have made statistical errors such as failing to take into account the "cloudy" or probabilistic nature of sampling distributions as they came to their conclusions. It is entirely possible that some men could help themselves by taking classes in statistics so as to learn about concepts like standard deviation and standard error - measures of the spread around the mean and the error or "noise" inherent in the measurement process - so as to better understand that an average penis length is not really a single number as it appears to be, but rather a range of numbers plus and minus around that point.
We also think that it could be helpful for some men to read up on how sampling distributions and surveys can be constructed so as to avoid sampling biases e. In light of the fact that many of the men discussed in this essay report few sexual encounters with women, it is important to recognize the need for real world experiences in the area of sexuality and relating to women. In other words, these men need to get out and date; to talk to women and listen to what they have to say.
Men need to be careful to avoid dismissing what they are hearing from the women they spend time with when what they hear disagrees with their preconceived notions. Finally, a variety of experiences with different women might help these men better appreciate the variety and types of women who are actually out there. In essence, we are recommending a form of exposure therapy.
Only through direct experience will these men be able to learn that women are not all castrating and hostile, or dominantly focused on penis size when it comes to sexuality. We do not mean to be flip about making this recommendation. We understand that there is a tremendous fear of rejection, and that actual social phobia may be present. We understand that a lot of anxiety is likely to be present which will interfere with the process of dating or just talking. Nevertheless, getting out there is going to be an absolutely vital part of working this issue through.
You cannot appreciate that you've made a mistake by avoiding all women until you've taken the risk to talk to many women and have experienced first hand that many of them will not reject you. As this process of dating can be difficult for people who are very anxious about it, we recommend that professional help be sought.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps people to identify and correct thought distortions and biases, teaches self-assertion to help men better persevere in the dating process and assists socially anxious men in coping with those rejections which will inevitably occur regardless of penis size , among other helpful outcomes. Our hunch is that some of the distorted ways of thinking about male and female sexuality that manifest in Small Penis Syndrome may stem from the fact that many of the men who have this problem have exposed themselves to a lot of pornography.
One of the many problems related to pornography is that it misrepresent what human sexuality is about; replacing intimacy and love with simple and raw sex. It also tends to be populated by male actors with larger than average genitalia who aren't shy about using enhancement drugs to prolong the size and duration of their erections.
There are a lot of sexual behaviors such as anal sex that are far more common in pornography than in the regular world. It is certainly the dominant attitude within pornography that when it comes to penis size, bigger is always better. That is not necessarily always the case in the regular world. Without condeming pornography, which seems to have its firmly fixed place in society, we want to make clear to men with Small Penis Syndrome that it is vital to recognize that these biases and distortions exist in pornography, and that it is not wise to apply the standards of beauty and performance and the value systems present pornography to your own life.
Anyone who tries to do so will likely feel incompetent. Because porn is unable or unwilling to film lovemaking intimate sex , men who get most of their sexual education from porn fail to realize that for many many men and women, the actual act of sexuality is ultimately valued less for its capacity to create an orgasm, and more for the intimacy to be found therein.
Small Penis Syndrome: Characteristics And Self-Help Treatment Suggestions
This becomes more the case, we suspect, as people get older, but it is true for a great many young people as well. We recommend that men who watch a lot of porn and who suspect that they may be suffering in part because of this take an adult sex education class so as to help them gain a better perspective on what normal sexuality is actually about. When rigidity of thought is high, as seems to be the case with some frequency with regard to Small Penis Syndrome, it is very difficult for people to seriously entertain the possibility that they may be contributing to their own problems through cognitive biases and honest mistakes regarding statistics and the like.
It seems all too clear to such people that they are doomed; that they can never be an acceptable man to any acceptable woman, and that because of this, they might just as well commit suicide. To such people we say, don't bother with the advice we've given above. What you need to do is to work on what we might term self-acceptance and detachment coping strategies. You are so embedded in the problem that you have no perspective on it from which to constructively criticize it. What is needed for you is to help you pry yourself out of the problem enough to give you that room to maneuver. Mindfulness meditation is one of the most powerful and safest techniques available to help people disembed themselves from cognitive prison in the s authors like Leary and Huxley recommended LSD for this same purpose, but we are far more sober now.
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In mindfulness meditation you learn to simply become aware of the continual stream of thoughts, perception and judgments that flow through your mind, and you learn that you are are not the same thing as the content of those thoughts, but rather that which has the thoughts. This is sometimes called the "witness" consciousness. It is a non-judgmental mental space that can be cultivated by anyone. In the embedded state, the thought-haver and the thought are fused, but mindfulness meditation helps open a space between the haver and the thought.
Mindfulness meditation is originally part of an ancient religious tradition originated by Buddhists and going back thousands of years. Today it is being incorporated into western mainstream psychotherapy as an effective coping strategy for helping people cope with life stress and extreme emotional mood swings. As you learn to detach yourself and take up the witness consciousness, you become able to view your thoughts more objectively and ultimately gain a better ability to critically examine them.
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It is hoped that people will find this essay helpful. Comments are always welcome and encouraged. Several days ago, after watching a disturbing trend of angry comments start to bloom into outright advocacy of aggression something we could not allow , we decided to turn off comments on our series of Small Penis Syndrome SPS articles. Meet the other Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Story highlights "Look at those hands," Trump said.
Is the Republican Party over? Rubio in recent days revived a decades-old old insult, mocking Trump for having relatively slight hands. Who's running for president? This ends more than two decades of flirting with the idea of running for the White House.
Ted Cruz of Texas has made a name for himself in the Senate, solidifying his brand as a conservative firebrand willing to take on the GOP's establishment. He announced he was seeking the Republican presidential nomination in a speech on March And yet for so many Americans, the promise of America seems more and more distant. Hillary Clinton launched her presidential bid on April 12 through a video message on social media.
The former first lady, senator and secretary of state is considered the front-runner among possible Democratic candidates. And stay ahead," she said in her announcement video. So I'm hitting the road to earn your vote, because it's your time. And I hope you'll join me on this journey. Bernie Sanders , an independent from Vermont who caucuses with Democrats, announced his run in an email to supporters on April He has said the United States needs a "political revolution" of working-class Americans to take back control of the government from billionaires. And I'll admit he's taller than me.
He's like 6'2, which is why I don't understand why his hands are the size of someone who is 5'2," Rubio said in Virginia on Sunday. You can't trust them.