A large tree rolled after him and pushed him through the window of Granny's home. The investigation then turns to Granny, who reveals that, unbeknownst to her family, she is an extreme sports enthusiast. During a ski race earlier that day, she was attacked by the opposing team, but got away safely after learning that they were hired by the Goody Bandit. Despondent over her Granny's lack of honesty, Red wanders off alone.
Meanwhile, Nicky Flippers realizes that the one commonality between all four stories is a bunny named Boingo Andy Dick and concludes that he is the Goody Bandit. However, Boingo has already sneaked into the home and stolen Granny's recipes. Red sees Boingo and follows him to his hideout at a cable car station, but the police pursue him in the wrong direction. Granny, the Wolf, and Kirk manage to locate Boingo as he is explaining his evil scheme to Red.
Boingo plans to add an addictive substance to the stolen recipes and then destroy the forest, making way for new real estate for expanding his business. The Wolf and Kirk go undercover to distract Boingo as Granny sneaks into his lair, but open conflict ensues. Boingo sends a bound and gagged Red down the mountain in a cable car loaded with explosives and Granny goes after her, with Boingo and his henchmen in pursuit.
Red manages to free herself, and escapes with Granny, while the police, who have been located by the Wolf's squirrel assistant Twitchy Cory Edwards , are waiting at the bottom of the mountain to arrest Boingo and his henchmen. Some time later, Kirk finds success as part of a yodeling troupe, and Red, Granny, the Wolf, and Twitchy are enlisted by Nicky Flippers to join a crime solving organization called Happily Ever After Agency. The filmmakers only made the film independently by necessity, [8] and Cory Edwards has said, "It's not a model to be followed. It was a once-in-a-lifetime, seat-of-your-pants kind of thing that just barely came off.
Brothers Cory and Todd Edwards founded Blue Yonder Films after a number of years spent producing commercials and music videos in Tulsa. Joined by their friend Preston Stutzman, who was put in charge of marketing for the company, they released their first feature film, Chillicothe , at the Sundance Film Festival.
The three then moved to Los Angeles in pursuit of new opportunities, but did not find the amount of success that they had expected. She determined that they would have to find greater success in independent filmmaking before anyone would take interest in them and introduced the three to Maurice Kanbar , a successful entrepreneur who had made a minor investment in Chillicothe. Kanbar however, was interested in a more direct approach, and preferred to focus on trying to produce a single film.
He had always been a great admirer of animation and was impressed after being shown a direct-to-DVD computer-animated short film that Cory had made called Wobots. He suggested the possibility of producing an animated feature with them that would tell a familiar story with a twist, and gave them a month to come up with a story idea.
Kanbar had expressed interest in Cinderella or Pinocchio , but the Edwards brothers did not like these ideas as they had already been done by Walt Disney. Cory served as the film's main director, as he had more experience with animation, comedy, and children's entertainment, while Todd served as co-director. Montgomery and Stutzman were joined by Disney animation veteran David Lovegren as producers on the film, [7] and Cory's and Todd's sister Katie Hooten joined as an associate producer.
The filmmakers found independently producing the film to have both benefits and challenges. Although they were given a great amount of creative control by their executive producer Maurice Kanbar, [7] their small budget kept them from making potentially beneficial changes to the story once production was underway.
Todd Edwards related that "Money doesn't just buy you more talent and more machinery, it also buys you flexibility on a story level. At Disney, if they don't like the third act, they just throw the whole thing out and re-animate the whole thing, even if it's finished We had no such luxury, and so in a way, you're watching our first version of the movie.
Turning away from the well-known archetypes of the Little Red Riding Hood characters, the filmmakers continued to look towards non-linear crime dramas for inspiration instead. Producer Preston Stutzman explained that "The whole film is about surprises and secret lives. Todd Edwards had the idea of basing the Wolf on Chevy Chase 's character in Fletch , feeling that it would be fun to apply the character's dry, deadpan style of humor to an animated wolf, while Cory Edwards created the hyperactive character of Twitchy to serve as the Wolf's foil.
Going against types, Red's Granny was written as a thrill-seeking action hero, while the strong Woodsman was written as being childishly incompetent. The police officers were written to come across as everyday guys and Cory Edwards has explained that the decision to make three of them pigs was not politically motivated.
After producer Sue Bea Montgomery and her husband pointed out similarities between the film and the s television series The Thin Man , the Edwards brothers and Leech decided to introduce the character and his dog into the film as an homage. An attempt was made to distance the film from Shrek and other similar themed films that had been recently released, by excluding magic , wizards , and fairies from the film.
Working out of Tony Leech's apartment, Cory Edwards sketched the film's storyboards , Todd Edwards wrote the script while simultaneously writing the songs, and Leech edited the story reel on his Mac computer. The filmmakers had been considering removing Japeth, but chose not to when he proved popular at these screenings. The children also particularly liked Twitchy, which led to the expansion of the character's role. In an effort to save costs, the film's cast was originally going to be composed mostly of friends and family members of the filmmakers. Greene to play Jimmy Lizard.
He had been a friend of the Edwards brothers since childhood and Cory's short film Wobots had been produced through his animation studio Live Bait Productions. Bill Stork and Glen, and Stutzman played Timmy. As the producers gained greater confidence in the film however, larger name actors were brought in. Though Cory Edwards had originally envisioned the Wolf as sounding like a mixture between a young Chevy Chase and Bill Murray , he praised Warburton's performance, saying that he "made the Wolf his own character.
He used improvisation and approached the role differently from how it had been written, interpreting the character as victimized and unstable. The filmmakers were enthusiastic over Dick's angle on the character, and Todd Edwards said, "What we had written was kind of stock, to be honest, but Andy Dick, well, where he was supposed to laugh, he'd be crying. Where he was supposed to yell, he'd be laughing. He just mixed it up! The film's animation was created on Maya software, and in an effort to save costs, was produced in Manila, Philippines.
Lovegren founded the animation studio Digital Eyecandy for the purpose of the film's production [29] and stationed it in a 5,square-foot rented house. Cory Edwards traveled to this studio a total of fifteen times over the course of the film's three-year production and has explained that although the house was located in an expensive part of Manila, the rent was no more than that of his two-bedroom apartment in Los Angeles.
Digital Eyecandy hired approximately twenty animators that had previously been employed by ImagineAsia [7] [30] and at one point, the studio reached fifty employees. The film's animators had little experience with computer-animation and feature-length films, and had to be trained by the producers over the course of the film's production. The filmmakers found this to be a poor method though, because it kept the individual skills of the animators from being optimized.
Due to their independent backgrounds, the animators were accustomed to working at fast paces, and despite their small numbers, each phase of production was able to be completed within a short period of time. The filmmakers found that the most difficult aspect of producing the film independently was their inability to fix all of the mistakes made in the film's animation.
I have the time and the budget to do three. Pick those three and then let's move on. Knowing that they could not match the quality of other computer-animated films, the film was instead designed to imitate the look of stop motion. Cory Edwards cited Rankin-Bass as an inspiration and explained, "If we approach our look like that — photographed miniatures in stop-motion — and if that nostalgia resonates with our audience as far as that look, then we're not going to shoot ourselves in the foot trying to put every freckle and hair on photoreal creatures.
Distancing the film from what producer Preston Stutzman called the "candy-coated, brightly colored pastel world[s]" of other CG animated films, an attempt was made to bring an organic look to the film, and dirt was rubbed into the colors. For example, one of the Woodsman's eyes was made bigger than the other, and Red was given only four fingers, so as to make her look more like a doll. Producer Katie Hooten explained that "CG in the past has been pushing the envelope to make things look more realistic, but Hoodwinked takes things back to where CG looks a lot more like a cartoon.
The film's score was composed by John Mark Painter , who along with his wife Fleming McWilliams, constituted the rock duo Fleming and John in the s. The Edwards brothers were fans of the group and first met Painter while Cory was performing in an animated film on which Painter served as the composer. In an effort to appeal to older audience members, Todd Edwards chose to replace parts of Painter's score with original rock music. From this came the song "Little Boat", written and sung by Daniel Rogers , who had composed Edwards' first film Chillicothe. Greene, a friend of the Edwards brothers, who also provided the voice of Jimmy Lizard in the film.
Todd Edwards wrote nine original songs for the film and sung four of them: However, they realized that this would make the horns too big to fit in a minecart later on in the film. As a solution, they came up with the gag of having the character switch his horns several times, and this led to the song's concept.
Folds was working on a new album at the time, but a year after the proposal, found the opportunity to record the song and compose a piano arrangement for it as well. The recording of Dick's performance was sped up though at the suggestion of Ralf Palmer, a prolific animator and friend of producer Sue Bea Montgomery. Though a distribution offer was made by DreamWorks , it was turned down as the filmmakers did not feel that it was a good deal.
Harvey and Bob Weinstein were also at the festival at the time, screening Robert Rodriguez 's film Sin City , which they were distributing through their then newly formed studio, The Weinstein Company. They decided to pick Hoodwinked! The Weinsteins had recently left the Walt Disney Company and according to Cory Edwards, they "loved the idea of picking up an animated film and giving Disney a run for their money. The Weinstein Company also heavily recast the film with bigger-name actors in the hopes of attracting a larger audience.
Many high-profile country singers were considered to replace Benjy Gaither in the role of Japeth, but none of them were available and Gaither retained the role. The Weinsteins also wanted to replace Joshua J. Greene in the role of Jimmy Lizard with a more famous actor such as Albert Brooks , but the role was ultimately not recast. Edwards appreciated the reason for the recastings and attributed a large part of the film's financial success to them.
He expressed disappointment about the amount of recasting however, saying, "At a certain point it became Recast-o-Rama, everybody got recast-happy. My feeling is, you get two or three names on that poster, you're fine. Our Hoodwinked poster has like a paragraph of names on it. It sweetens the pot. Edwards expressed disappointment with the fact that the original actors would not get any credit for their improvisations in the film, which were copied by the replacement actors. The soundtrack was released in December Owing to legal disputes, the CD was pulled off of the market a month after its release [43] and was not available again until November In its opening four-day weekend, Hoodwinked!
The site's consensus reads, "This fractured fairytale doesn't have the wit or animation quality to compete with the likes of the Shrek franchise. James Berardinelli of ReelViews gave the film two and a half stars out of four, and claimed that many of the film's ideas for altering its familiar storyline "sound better on paper than they turn out in execution. One aches to think what the great Looney Tunes directors could have done with this material. Several critics however, were more enthusiastic about the film. Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly gave Hoodwinked!
Calling the filmmakers heroes, he compared them to Quentin Tarantino and Steven Soderbergh due to their potential for bringing independent filmmaking to prominence in animation. Japeth was praised amongst both positive and negative reviews. Gleiberman and Churnin both felt that the character was one of the best parts of the film, [58] [59] and Westbrook and Wilmington both described him as "a hoot". In a mostly positive review for the Orlando Sentinel , Roger Moore called the character hilarious, [61] while in a mostly negative review for Variety , Justin Chang wrote that the character "steals the show every minute he's onscreen.
One of the main criticisms of the film was the poor quality of its animation. Berardinelli called it some of the worst CGI animation in memory. He felt that the characters looked plastic, considered the backgrounds dull, and wrote, "On more than one occasion, I thought I was watching something made for TV.
When compared to today's visual standards for animated films, Hoodwinked is far below the curve. That art has come too far to embrace a throwback like Hoodwinked as lovably quaint. In movement, especially, do they lack grace and conviction. It seems like the recent breakthroughs in computerized magic have bypassed the poor Edwards fellows, as it looks stuck somewhere in the s, or maybe even earlier. Many reviews negatively compared the film to the Shrek series. Liam Lacey of The Globe and Mail considered the film to be "a sort of discount Shrek", [63] while Burr called it " Shrek with added drek.
He felt that the humor in Shrek worked due to the fairy tale characters remaining in character throughout the film, and wrote, "It's pointless to scold them for behaving the way fairy tales intended, and that's far funnier than turning them into breakdancing anachronisms. Retrospectively, several critics noted that the film was considerably better than the computer-animated fairy tale parody film Happily N'Ever After. Although Burr had given Hoodwinked! Acknowledging the crudeness of the animation, he nonetheless praised the writing as "bold and funny" and wrote that the direction "displays admirable comic timing.
He also commended the vocal performances for having a "zippy, brash energy that doesn't feel condescending". In February , author Timothy Sexton wrote an article titled "Hoodwinked: He argued that the relative nature of truth was shown by revealing deviations from the original fairy tale as the film explored the story from each of the central characters' points of view. He drew comparisons between the film's villain and the typical American business owner, going so far as to say that the character was "clearly based on people like Bill Gates and Sam Walton ".
The film's director and co-writer Cory Edwards was surprised by Sexton's interpretation and denied that the film intentionally carried any political messages. He explained that he and the other filmmakers were simply drawing from the evil schemes common of James Bond films, Bugs Bunny cartoons, and The A-Team , and wrote "If Mr. Sexton sees my movie as a sermon against mega-corporations monopolizing America, that's fine.
But our villain is just as easily the face of every dictator in history, or every schoolyard bully who is compensating for low self-esteem, or any Mafia boss who dominates by either absorbing or wiping out his competition. Hey, if you look at an abstract painting and see the devil in a red splotch, that's your prerogative I guess a movie's message is only partially supplied by the filmmaker.
But even if you ultimately reject their messages, old-school fairy tales are part of our cultural vocabulary. There's something a little sad about kids growing up in a culture where their fairy tales come pre-satirized, the skepticism, critique and revision having been done for them by the mama birds of Hollywood. Even as I was making the film, I asked myself the same question: Are we parodying something that kids should have the chance to experience first, 'un-parodied?
He decided to investigate it. Not knowing where to go to investigate such an incident he decided to phone a friend. Barry The Bog Busting Beaver was at the local shopping complex and busting to hang a shit. After emptying his bowels he looked in to see what he had left behind. This is when the incident occurred. As Barry The Bog Busting Beaver dived into the toilet he accidentally pushed the button with his tail. Seeing as he was in the toilet it started to clog.
The pressure built so high that the toilet just exploded. Unfortunately on the other side of the wall was the trolley return. So many innocent shopping trolleys lost their lives on that fateful afternoon and the shopping complex was no more. The time had come. It was the grand final of the avocado eating championship.
And they were off. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog took an early lead. Soon enough he was three avocados in front. Then out of nowhere Argyle The Aardvark managed to swallow five avocados straight. The winner had been decided.
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Argyle The Aardvark is just an avocado eating machine. A frog beat an aardvark in an avocado eating competition. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog now had to make one of the toughest decisions in his life. Which would you choose? Something everyone could use or something completely random. Well Froggy Frog Frog McFrog being the adventurous type decided to go with what was behind the curtain.
To his surprise, behind the curtain, was the back of the curtain. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was shocked and surprised. The truth about what was behind the curtain was not that it was just the back of the curtain. Maurice The Mongoose was cruising around the town on his brand spanking new motorcycle when he saw the best thing ever in the shop window.
This particular shop sells pretty much everything that anyone could ever want, from marijuana to muumuus. Yeah, you can buy a muumuu at this shop. He bought himself a muumuu. Maurice The Mongoose now wanted to go and show off his brand spanking new motorcycle and muumuu. Where better to show off something new than the hospital. I know it might seem like a weird place to show off your new muumuu, but seriously, how many of you have ever had a new muumuu to show off? So off Maurice The Mongoose went to the hospital. Not just any part of the hospital. He chose to go to the morgue. Maurice The Mongoose chose this part because he liked words which begin with m.
So he made a magnificent entrance into the morgue. He thought that his entrance had been so grand and magnificent that he had killed everyone and somehow managed to get them all to lie in little freezer thingies. You know them things in morgues. Maurice The Mongoose just turned and ran back to his brand spanking new motorcycle and rode off into the sunset. As everyone knows, every good town deserves a superhero.
The superhero I speak of goes by the name of Useless Bill. Every superhero has an arch-nemesis. Luckily for Useless Bill, he had a sidekick. Useless Bill and Semi-Kewl Steve spent most of their time just kicking back watching television and getting slightly intoxicated. As soon as Useless Bill saw that Useful Bert was skateboarding in his satellite dish he started to throw rocks at Useful Bert. Unfortunately for him he hit his satellite dish more often than he hit Useful Bert and kinda broke his satellite dish a little.
I know this entire series is about Froggy Frog Frog McFrog, but sometimes there are other characters just as important that need entire episodes written about them. This episode is all about Tara The Cute Piggie Sex Freak, who just happens to be the cousin of a certain mud wrestling pig chick. This was to be harder than anyone could have ever thought as Tara The Cute Piggie Sex Freak loved to fornicate at extreme speeds. For some strange reason, completely out of my control, Froggy Frog Frog McFrog and Tara The Cute Piggie Sex Freak just happened to bump into each other while they were both looking for a suitable partner to fornicate with.
Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was heading off to his weekly Alcoholics Anonymous meeting when he noticed someone was following him. To his surprise it was Penelope The Penguin. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was starting to freak out now. Then it hit him, no not an idea, that truck that was driving past. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog remembered what everyone should already know about penguins. There was a new member at Alcoholics Anonymous this week.
It was Penelope The Penguin. Then out of nowhere Penelope The Alcoholic Penguin pulled out some kind of fire-arm and held everyone hostage. After a massive shoot-out Gretchen The Grumpy German Gerbil got away with fifty three million dollars and nobody at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was injured, instead they all went out and got intoxicated. Alcoholics Anonymous never had a meeting again. This episode is going to explain one of the weirdest laws ever made in the town of Crooknug.
This episode is all about the Miss Crooknug beauty pageant and the horrific thing that happened there. All the males in the audience were sitting on the edge of their seats. After all this is the only reason anyone watches beauty pageants. Contestant one was Miss Tertinkles The Cockroach. Everything had been going great for Miss Tertinkles The Cockroach, she was one of the crowd favourites. The crowd cheered and all the judges voted Miss Tertinkles The Cockroach as the winner of the Miss Crooknug beauty pageant.
This is when disaster struck. Miss Tertinkles The Cockroach came clean. None of the judges could believe it, how could they have voted a cross-dressing cockroach as the most beautiful chick in town. This is why there is now a law in Crooknug that makes it illegal to cross-dress in public. Eduardo The News Reading Worm was not any old ordinary worm. He longed to be part of a group. Although he was one of the most respected news readers in the world, he still longed to be part of a larger group.
They have no arms or legs, what use are they really. All Eduardo The News Reading Worm had to do was to put on one of those old suits of armour which was conveniently painted red. The waiter was disgusted at this, after all what kind of self respecting lobster would eat seafood? All of a sudden every lobster in The Blue Lobster pulled out guns and started shooting.
It turns out that all the members of The Blue Lobster were mobsters. If you could go anywhere in time where would you go?
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Go on, tell me. Why would you want to go there when you could go anywhere in time? You could go back in time to that party last weekend and actually see what you did or you could go back in time to before you ate that pizza that made you sick. Not where someone else wants him to go, only where you want him to go. This is where you have to actually use your imagination a bit. So he decided to go back twenty minutes in time to when I started to write this episode to stop me writing this episode because it was going nowhere at all. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was thinking of new ways to get laid.
Then it hit him, that recipe book that his mum threw at him back in episode He should learn to cook, that always impresses the ladies. Luckily for Froggy Frog Frog McFrog, a new cooking class had just started in town and word on the street was that the teacher was breath takingly stunning. Seeing as he could combine checking out a breath takingly stunning teacher and learn to cook, Froggy Frog Frog McFrog hopped to his new cooking class without thinking twice about it.
Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was waiting outside his new cooking class when a sexy voice from inside the classroom called him in. He thought this would be the perfect chance to learn how to cook and get to know the teacher a little more personally. Out came the teacher. The rumours were true, she was breath takingly stunning. The lesson was going well for about half an hour. It was so disgusting that he ran out of the class room and never looked back. How could someone with such enormous hooters have such a disgusting secret? Froggy Frog Frog McFrogs arch-nemesis has returned.
Everything was set, Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was sitting on the park bench unaware or any plan from any evil kookaburras. Karate Master Koonut The Kookaburra unleashed his army of flies into the park. Everything was going as planned until Froggy Frog Frog McFrog turned around and saw the swarm of flies approaching. Karate Master Koonut The Kookaburra thought this would be the greatest test of how well he taught his fly army the ancient art of Fon Qui De. Karate Master Koonut The Kookaburra had failed to realise the one major flaw in his plan.
Do you hear that? They just went down the road to get something for lunch. This was no ordinary journey down the road though, this one involved suspense and intrigue. Everything went well with the whole going down the road and buying something for lunch, but then they got back home and they were shocked by what they had realised. The checkout chick did give them the right change.
The problem was that Useless Bill had locked his keys inside his house. Now for the intrigue. I really wish I knew what intrigue actually meant. So to make a long story short, they smashed a window. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was going for a nice, quiet drive in his brand new automobile. The sad part of this story is that he crashed into another car. This other car was being driven by Ang The Aardvark.
So off they both went to hospital. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was fine because he was wearing a seat belt and driving a safer car. After the doctors had operated on Ang The Aardvark everything seemed fine. Then Ang The Aardvark looked in the mirror and had realised they had amputated her left earlobe and her nose.
Froggy Frog Frog McFrog
He thought long and hard about what he could do to make it up to her. This was also one of the few times in his life that Froggy Frog Frog McFrog had ever actually thought. So off he went to find some of the ugliest people he could find. Crooknug is a very unique town. I know it might sound like some far off magical land where a bank is open on a Sunday but it happens in Crooknug every Sunday.
Being the good bank robber that Nesbit The Bank Robbing Badger is, he quickly got all the customers on the ground and was filling his bag with loads of money. Nesbit The Bank Robbing Badger was shocked that someone had finally stood up to him. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog simply explained that all he wanted was a hundred bucks to buy himself a new fridge. Nesbit The Bank Robbing Badger grabbed his bag and left. Business went on as usual. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was starting to run out of ways to attract the opposite sex.
He figured that because of all his excessive drinking and occasional drug use he looked about 50 years older than he really was. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog thought that he could try all these fancy new age creams and lotions that make you look younger, but Froggy Frog Frog McFrog is very impatient and wanted something that would happen overnight. Luckily he knew Wanda The Witchdoctor. Wanda The Witchdoctor had exactly what Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was after, a potion that would make him look 50 years younger overnight.
Froggy Frog Frog McFrog woke up the next morning hoping the potion had worked. Unfortunately instead of making him look 50 years younger, the potion made Froggy Frog Frog McFrog grow a tail. Not any ordinary tail though. He thought maybe a little bit of makeup could cover it up. Instead he just put some pants on. He hopped home angrily to find a solution.
It might seem like a drastic solution but Froggy Frog Frog McFrog figured that he could just chop it off. He makes ironing boards for a living. Not any old ordinary ironing boards though. He makes those ones that have wheels on them so you can move them around the house easier. Oh no, there was trouble at the ironing board factory. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog came over to have a quiet talk with Erving The Hungarian Hippo in the hope that he could tell him what he was doing wrong before the boss noticed.
You know this because of episode Depending on how you chose for that episode to end also impacts your decision on how this episode will end. Just remember one vital fact about this episode. Where the giant memorial shopping trolley used to stand was a giant cannon.
To double check his eyesight, Froggy Frog Frog McFrog, ran as fast as he could at the giant cannon to see if it was real.
Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was still wondering why there was a giant cannon in the place of a giant memorial shopping trolley. Renton The Amazing Flying Octopus explained that it was a one day only thing that his cannon was there and that he was a travelling performer. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog figured he had nothing better to do than stand around and watch an octopus shoot himself out of a cannon. Everything was going to plan for Renton The Amazing Flying Octopus; there was a huge crowd of people and the weather was perfect.
Can you hear that? Renton The Amazing Flying Octopus was actually flying and looking rather amazing at the same time. Luckily there was an open window and Renton The Amazing Flying Octopus went straight through the open window and landed on a spare bed. That was convenient for Renton The Amazing Flying Octopus as he was planning on visiting the hospital anyway.
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Too bad Useless Bill thought it was a brilliant idea to fly out of the cannon as well. Useless Bill was soon followed after by Semi-Kewl Steve. The problem for Renton The Amazing Flying Octopus was that both Useless Bill and Semi-Kewl Steve Both landed on top of him seriously injuring him and forcing him to never get shot out of a cannon ever again. The circus had come to town. This circus was up a tree. Not any old tree though. Hans The Smoked Salmon was the gymnast of this circus. It was opening night and the circus was full.
The circus performers started their usual routine. He was terribly confused though. Was he excited because it was such a skimpy tutu or disgusted because it was being worn by Ralph The Wombat? Froggy Frog Frog McFrog managed to contain himself until the end of the circus. This way nobody needs to know about his crazy, freaky tutu fetish. Most of you were probably wondering when Stumpy Clifton The Pirate Duck was going to seek some revenge. Translated that means he was a moron. Captain Crazy The Evil Bandicoot was more than happy to help because he loved causing mischief.
Their plan was to wait till Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was hopping down the street in a fancy suit and then they were going to spray him with mustard and barbeque sauce. They thought it was a fool proof plan. There was no way it could fail. Everything was going as planned until they heard the one thing no evil bandicoot wants to hear.
He was actually heading off to the chemist to get some pain killers because he was slightly hung over. Luckily for him, Semi-Kewl Steve, had decided to tag along for the trip to the chemist. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was just sitting around trying to think of something to do when he had one of the best ideas ever thought up.
He was off to the moon. Before he even had time to have a space food stick, Froggy Frog Frog McFrog was preparing to land on the moon. Landing was the easy part of this trip for Froggy Frog Frog McFrog because he now had to find out whereabouts on the moon is that tasty cheese. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog only likes tasty cheese.
Unfortunately for Froggy Frog Frog McFrog today was the bi-annual convention for cheerleading astronauts which just happened to be held right next to where he had landed. I wish I could tell you but the list would just be too long. All you really need to know is that she has a freakish obsession with frogs. Well, have any of you devoted fans ever had sex with a sea turtle. It may seem like a good idea at the time but you pay for it for the next six months of your life.
Froggy Frog Frog McFrog had just thought up an even better idea than going to the moon for cheese. There is a certain time in every superheros life when their sidekick turns Well he is semi-kewl, so that means he developed his super abilities at a younger age than normal.
Useless Bill had a huge surprise planned for Semi-Kewl Steve. The worst possible thing ever had happened. Useless Bill had killed the stripper. Of course it was an accident. Useless Bill failed to realise that the giant cake he had ordered for the stripper to come out of, came with the stripper already inside.
How Frogs Grow
Useless Bill made the mistake of trying to cook the cake with the stripper inside. Useless Bill had to quickly come up with a whole new surprise for Semi-Kewl Steve. He decided that he would get Semi-Kewl Steve one of the hottest dates you could possibly imagine. Everyone started showing up for the party. Semi-Kewl Steve was starting to wonder what his surprise was going to be. Useless Bill had finally done something useful. It was bound to happen eventually.
Useful Bert had a fool-proof plan and considering Useless Bill was a little bit of a fool he was sure glad it was fool-proof. I know it might not sound like much thought has gone into this plan, but the less thought that goes into a plan the less that can go wrong with it. Mainly because Semi-Kewl Steve was passed out drunk on the couch. Seeing as his plan had backfired, he figured there was no point in him keeping Tara The Cute Piggie Sex Freak hostage.
Today is the day. Useful Bert has challenged Useless Bill to a challenge to determine who the best is. The challenge had been set. They were to have a race. Not any old, ordinary race though. This was a swimming race. Useless Bill and Useful Bert both had a week to prepare. That way it saves me writing as much. Useless Bill on the other hand has a training accident and can no longer race.
Useless Bill was about to start panicking and was about to withdraw from the race when he had a brilliant idea. He was going to dress Semi-Kewl Steve up as himself and get him to race for him. Off they all went to the local swimming pool. It was even bigger. The race was set to fourteen and a half laps.
The Adventures of Mr. Sam Frog
The only problem with this is that Useless Bill is useless. He pulled the trigger on the little gun to start the race. In they all jumped. His injury was still playing up and he just started to panic and drown. He wanted to kill Useless Bill himself. So Useful Bert swam over and saved Useless Bill. Only then did he realise that it was actually Semi-Kewl Steve who was drowning.
Useless Bill had miraculously recovered from his injury and had already finished the race. It meant Useless Bill won. So now we all know that Useless Bill is better than Useful Bert. Everyone knows that someone with a theme song is better than someone without one. Yeah, you heard me right. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog has a car. He inherited it from his now deceased long lost uncle. You should look into it. It happened to me. It could happen to you too. He was checking his rear view mirror to see who was behind him when he noticed a police car following him with his sirens going.
Next thing he knew, he was part of a high speed pursuit. It was even on the tv. The main problem with this is that Froggy Frog Frog McFrog had forgotten to fill up his petrol tank before he left. Instead of trying to loose the police so he could pull over and fill her up, he decided to just keep the pursuit going.
His plan was to try and just keep going down hill. Evil Professor Lipenstocking had done it. He has made it through rehab and is now known as Professor Lipenstocking. Luckily her other personality had the same name as she did. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you that Professor Lipenstocking knows how to separate multiple personalities so that they can both live in their own bodies. Tara 2 was the nicer of the two personalities.
She was more after having a great night out on the grog. Could you really imagine if these two personalities combined? Oh wait, that might not be all that bad. Now back to the story. The operation was a success. Someone who shall remain nameless is holding a gun to my head and making me inform you of this miraculous operation. Please excuse me for just one second. Insert me wrestling with gunman. Blame the nameless gunman laying on the floor unconscious next to me. It was for rape.
During this time she continually shouted for Froggy Frog Frog McFrog to stop but he just thought that she was asking for more. Seeing as Froggy Frog Frog McFrog did technically have sexual intercourse with Tara 2 without her consent, he could actually be charged with rape. It was now the day of the trial. It has some familiar faces in it. They only had enough seats for a jury of three. Throughout the trial Froggy Frog Frog McFrogs sick and twisted past was brought to the surface and everyone who was listening will never be the same. To cut a long story short, the case was dismissed.
One thing led to another and there may be another court case soon if you know what I mean. This art exhibition was to be held at the fishbowl museum. The major problem with having a huge art exhibition in a fishbowl museum is the security is rather shit and of course there was someone out there wanting to be an art thief because everything else is too hard to steal. He was going to use his sidekick Weebo The Leprechaun again. Weebo The Leprechaun was to just go to the fishbowl museum and distract everyone.
I know I do. While Weebo The Leprechaun was doing his stupid dance Useful Bert was planning to just walk in the back door of the fishbowl museum and just take all of the artwork. Everything was going great until Useful Bert got to the back door of the fishbowl museum and found out the door was locked. He then read the sign which said push and it opened. By the time Useful Bert had found all the artwork Weebo The Leprechaun had given up dancing and everyone was coming back inside.
Useful Bert had to abort his plan and just leave to go get lunch instead. It was about time and it finally happened. It rained in Crooknug. Chilli The Blonde Mexican Chicken thought it would be a great idea to go for a walk in the rain. There was thunder and lightning as well. He was going to smuggle Mexican chickens over the border and let them get struck by lightning and then sell them to the public. It was that time of year again. It was the annual game of hide and seek in Crooknug. Not just any little ordinary, backyard game of hide and seek. This game involved the entire town. The only hard bit about this game was finding someone who was willing to seek while the rest of the town hid.
The best hider also won a prize. They won the right to pick the seeker for next year. Froggy Frog Frog McFrog closed his eyes and started to count to seventy two. He was doing great and at seeking out all the hiders. The best thing was that everyone he found had to help him seek out the rest of the town. They had no idea where he was. While they were looking behind the fridge though they heard what sounded like someone snoring inside the fridge. At first they just dismissed it as them being drunk and hearing things.
After not having found Useless Bill for hours now they were starting to worry. Off they went back to the fridge. Oh wait, they left it somewhere else. Off they went to somewhere else. There it was, the fridge which they suspected had Useless Bill in it. They pried open the door. It was shocking what they found. They found some out of date milk and some leftover chicken. Then out of nowhere came Useless Bill. It turns out he was asleep next to the fridge under a cardboard box. Useless Bill was the champion hider this year and now got to choose the seeker for next years game of hide and seek.
I know some of you readers may not believe this is actually possible, but this really did happen. Useless Bill had bought a scratchie and won big. Not like just a little bit big. He won huge big. The most you could win. Luckily he kept all of his used scratchies in a pile in his lounge room. Most of you loyal readers are wondering where this episode is going. How can anything exciting happen now that the scratchie is lost in a pile of other scratchies? Semi-Kewl Steve managed to find the winning scratchie. Unfortunately for him Useful Bert had secretly installed some surveillance stuff.