Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
The Good Enough Spouse: Resolve or Dissolve Conflicted Marriages
If something is bothering you, address it. Avoid picking at your spouse for little things. Learn to distinguish between real problems and minor issues you can ignore. If your spouse has a few habits that are annoying but harmless, reconsider whether you really need to argue about them. Putting the pillows back is easier than fighting. When your spouse does something thoughtful for you, thank them.
That makes my evenings a lot more relaxing. Let your spouse make mistakes. No one is perfect, and your spouse will make mistakes just like anyone else. Spend quality time together. Make a habit of going on dates, trying new things, and having fun together. Choose activities you both like, such as taking a stroll to enjoy the weather or working on a hobby you share. Stay away from people who try to control your marriage. If someone tries to meddle in your marriage, tell them politely but firmly that your relationships are your own business.
Avoid trying to win every argument. Choose happiness over being right. We all want to win arguments, but needing to defeat the other person all the time will destroy your relationship. What if your husband said he was filing for divorce and you talk to your mother and father about what to do?
When he found out, he said this is tearing us apart more. So he said he was filing for divorce, and claimed that talking to your parents somehow 'tore you apart' more than that? In any case, it sounds like your marriage is in quite a bad place, so maybe divorce makes sense. If you want to try to save it, maybe suggest counseling if you and your husband can't resolve things on your own. Not Helpful 1 Helpful 9. Talk it through before you think of doing anything. If you can cope with it, get some marriage counseling. Just be aware that it'll be very difficult to trust them again.
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Not Helpful 4 Helpful My husband is always watching porn and never wants to have sex with me. When we do have sex, he fakes getting off and goes and watches porn. What do I do? The two of you need counseling. If you can't work on this together, you need to think about splitting up. Not Helpful 0 Helpful 4. Girlfriend's sister is wanting to come for Christmas. I initially said no as I've worked hard all year; sister doesn't speak English and we have no room in house for her.
Consistent across African American and Euro-American couples and both husbands and wives, money was listed as the most common topic of marital disagreement at both reporting periods.
As such, whether money emerges as a leading source of marital conflict in the naturalistic setting of the home, as it did in laboratory contexts, awaits examination. Although the frequency of money conflicts has received some attention, the nature of marital conflicts about money compared to those about other topics remains unknown.
In particular, marital disagreements concerning money are also expected to be more repetitive and salient to partners than other topics, reflecting the greater threat and difficulty posed by attempting to resolve money issues. The topic of money can be very emotional, and is closely related to self worth and personal vulnerabilities among marital partners that may trigger defensiveness Tichenor, While a couple facing intimacy problems may be able to avoid taking action, such avoidance is less possible when dealing with money matters. External consequences will eventually ensue if money decisions are avoided.
Although not studied previously in connection to disagreement topics, emotions and tactics as expressions hold central meaning to conflict Cummings, Positive and negative emotions and tactics during conflict hold differential implications for individual and relationship well-being Gottman, ; Kiecolt-Glaser et al. Bolger, Davis, and Rafaeili highlighted advantages of diary methods, noting their value for capturing detailed descriptions of relational processes of interest, such as marital conflict, in their naturalistic contexts near the time of occurrence.
We tested several hypotheses concerning money as a topic of marital conflict in the home. First, we examined whether money is the most frequent topic of marital conflicts in the home, or alternatively, whether the reported rate of occurrence of money conflicts might be overestimated compared to other conflict topics due to the stress and threat posed by other conflicts.
Extrapolating from surveys e. Given their topical overlap, we tentatively predicted money to be more likely to be discussed along with work, but less likely discussed with relationship-themed issues of intimacy, commitment, and communication.
We also expected the topic of money to relate to conflict severity. Specifically, marital conflicts in the home concerning money were predicted to be longer in duration, recurrent i. Money as a topic of conflict, relative to other topics e. Consistent with the proposition that money concerns are more stressful and threatening for couples than other conflict topics e.
Data were drawn from couples taking part in a longitudinal investigation concerning family relationships and child development. The current study includes a sample of husbands and wives who completed diary ratings of overlapping instances marital conflict occurring at home as part of their first wave of participation in — Of the husbands, 94 were Caucasian and 6 were African American. Of the wives, 93 were Caucasian, 6 were African American, and 1 was biracial.
In terms of family yearly income, a standard demographic questionnaire completed by spouses included an item that asked respondents to indicate which of six categories captured their approximate combined income. We recruited participating families through letters sent home with children from local schools; postcards mailed to community residents; referrals from other participating families; flyers distributed at churches and community events; and newspaper, television, and radio advertisements.
Families attended two private laboratory sessions lasting 2 to 2. Procedures relevant to the present study are described below. During the first laboratory session, we taught husbands and wives to complete a home diary record of marital conflict. Couples then completed these records following each instance of marital conflict over a period of 15 days and returned the completed records during the second laboratory session.
During the first laboratory visit, couples also completed a demographics questionnaire and a marital quality measure used as a covariate in the present analyses described below. Families received monetary compensation for their participation. During a day reported period, husbands and wives separately completed diary records at home following each naturally-occurring instance of marital conflict.
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For full description of the contents of the diary and training protocol see Cummings, Goeke-Morey, and Papp and Papp, Cummings, and Goeke-Morey For each conflict instance, spouses rated its characteristics, including length in minutes , whether it was a recurrent or new problem, and current and long-term importance to the relationship from 0 none to 3 high. Given the theoretical proposition that money as a topic is more stressful and threatening than others, of interest in the present report is the coding completed by spouses of positive and negative expressions i.
Spouses also indicated the tactics used by themselves and their partners during and at the end of marital conflict in the home i. Each of these codes is relevant theoretically to interpreting the relative stressfulness and threat posed by money conflicts in relation to other topics of conflict. Previous investigations have confirmed that spouses were able to reliably identify the tactics of interest see Papp et al. For the present report, during and ending ratings of the same expressions were combined.
Also, for analytic parsimony, we summed standardized variables of the previous conflict expressions to create composites of expressions that intersected theoretically and empirically Cummings, ; Du Rocher Schudlich et al. Responses to the three items were summed, with higher scores indicating greater global positive marital sentiments. Average marital quality scores were Conducting dyadic data analysis of marital conflict in the home requires that both spouses provide descriptions of the conflict. Of these, husbands and wives, respectively, reported Using this set of matched i.
In brief, we selected the dyadic HLM approach because it extends traditional multilevel modeling by incorporating husband and wife indicator variables i. By including both husband and wife reports in dyadic HLMs, we capture perspectives of both partners involved in marital conflict in the home, while appropriately modeling the statistical interdependence of these perspectives. We examined the associations between money as a topic and conflict characteristics, expressions, and resolution.
The Level 2 model simultaneously aggregated across Level 1 intercepts and slopes to create parameters of interest for the population of couples. Similar to traditional regression equations with a binary predictor, the resultant direct effects parameters from dyadic HLM i. Although both husbands and wives contributed diaries, some of the diary variables had missing data ranges of n s presented in Table 2. Money as a Topic of Marital Conflict in the Home: Analyses control for husband and wife marital quality scores and combined yearly income.
Standard HLM was employed to model continuous dependent variables e. The binary outcomes are modeled such that the frequency of the variable occurring when money was the topic is compared to its relative likelihood of occurring when money was not indicated as the topic. As such, the descriptive statistics for binary outcomes in Table 2 are presented in the form of count and percentages of occurrence.
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To illustrate the structure of dyadic HLMs used in the present study, we provide the following example to examine associations between money as a topic of marital conflict in relation to the conflict characteristic of length:. These Level 1 parameters are simultaneously modeled in Level 2 to provide estimates for the entire sample of spouses. The Level 2 model also accommodates person-level covariates i. U 3 and U 4 indicate random person effects.
The next most common topics for both partners were chores, communication, and leisure.
The Law Relating to Breach of Promise of Marriage
Table 1 indicates that money was the 6th and 5th most discussed topic during marital conflict in the home according to husbands and wives, occurring as a topic in Multiple topics sometimes occurred during a single marital conflict episode. Dyadic HGLM analyses, in which husband and wife diaries were analyzed simultaneously, were used to assess associations between conflict topics. These analyses tested whether other conflict topics were significantly likely to be endorsed during conflicts in which money was discussed. Using dyadic HLM analyses, we examined whether conflicts about money in the home differed from non-money conflicts in terms of characteristics such as length, problem recurrence, and current and long-term relationship importance.
These tests are relevant to the theoretical proposition that money conflicts are more stressful and threatening than non-money conflicts. Results from dyadic HLM analyses revealed that money-related marital conflicts, relative to those that did not concern money, were described by wives as lasting longer, and described by husbands to more likely be a recurrent rather than a new problem see Table 2. Furthermore, both husbands and wives rated money conflicts in the home as having higher current and long-term importance to their relationship, relative to conflicts not concerned with money.
The next series of dyadic HLM analyses examined whether money-related conflict was handled differently than conflict that did not concern money in terms of types of conflict expressions used. Husbands reported greater husband angry behavior in money-related conflicts than non-money conflicts see Table 2.
CHAPTER 2 THE LAW IN OTHER LEGAL SYSTEMS
Both husbands and wives reported greater husband depressive behavior, and wives reported greater wife depressive behavior, in money-related conflicts than non-money conflicts. Both husbands and wives reported a higher likelihood than not of agreeing to discuss money issues later during the course of marital conflicts in the home see Table 2.
Consistent with the proposition that money is inherently relatively stressful and threatening compared to other conflict topics, the findings of money as a topic of marital conflict in the home portray a negative picture. Marital conflicts about money were more likely to be mishandled i. Even though problem solving behaviors by wives were more evident in money-related marital conflicts, they were less resolved than conflicts not dealing with money as indicated by both partners agreeing to continue the discussions later.
Marked differences were found between the handling of marital conflicts in the home that concerned money i. Spouses rated such conflicts as more intense and significant than other conflict topics: Husbands and wives reported that they and their partners expressed more depressive behavior expressions i.
Husbands expressed more angry behaviors i. Lastly, conflicts concerning money were more likely than non-money conflicts to end as unresolved for husbands and wives i. Thus, money conflicts were more likely to persist as important issues, be mishandled, and remain unresolved. Contrary to findings in the literature, money was not the leading source of marital conflict in the home, at least for this sample of couples with children.
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