The Favor: Nates Journey from Man to Dildo

If there's one thing about cucumbers that is truly unassuming, it's their smell. I've eaten a few cucumber salads in my time, and I can't recall them smelling of anything at all. Yet here we have Swipes cucumber-scented wipes , a product that is outright marketed as a sex wipe "freshen up before or clean up after intimate moments" , and part of the appeal is supposed to be the fact that they smell like cucumber.

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Is it supposed to be a turn-on? Is this a "forbidden fruit" thing, bringing back all those awkward memories from the vegetable aisle? Maybe this is an actual line of products, and somewhere out there is an "Oh shit, I just realized my only purchases are seven zucchinis and a tub of Vaseline" terror-sweat-scented version that comes with a complimentary condescending Walmart cashier.

The mysteries are endless; the answers, I never wish to know.

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Piss off, cucumber sex wipes. You have no place here. Let's consider a scenario where you've managed to fill your house with the best naughty toys you can find, yet for some reason members of your preferred gender completely fail to drop their pants, no matter how many times you drop careful hints about the veritable fuck dungeon you have converted your basement into.

Strange thought, I know, but it has been known to happen. Luckily, the bargain bin of your local porn peddler has a solution to this terrifying situation: Via Amazon Man on the moon, Internet, and now this? Yes, this wondrous "pheromone-infused" toy bracelet is absolutely guaranteed to cause your sweat glands to emit a secret scent trail that will attract the opposite sex for weeks , and probably won't even smell like decaying spleen at all! Of course, this is the exact kind of bullshit that will wean these assholes off from ever receiving a blow job again.

This is actually kind of a shame, as being limited to regular coitus means they have a much better chance to breed more fuck-awful idiots. Butt stuff is to sex what bacon is to cuisine: And much like bacon , anal has also attracted its fair share of strange byproducts: From "realistic molds" of porn star cavities to the many, many insertable products out there, even the most committed rear entrance enthusiast has no shortage of things to blow his cash on.

And then there is Vulcan Ripe Anus. I'm actually at a loss here, people. I get that it's supposed to be an ass-in-a-can of some fashion, but What's the target group for this product, necrophile Trekkies?

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I'm almost tempted to order this thing just to see what the ever-loving fuck it's about, but I'm certain that the second I finished payment, a barbarian adventurer would smash through my window and slay me for attempted necromancy. Still, I feel secure in including it, because I'm betting you can get it way, way cheaper than that.

All you need to do is walk into a porn shop and loudly haggle over the price of Vulcan Ripe Anus these days. If you've read some of my previous stuff on the subject of sex and the toys that revolve around it, you may have gathered that I'm not particularly keen on teledildonics. It's not that I'm against the concept per se -- it's just that I find it hard to see the point of complicated, barely working long-distance screwing contraptions when most people already have ready access to stuff like phones and hands.

Take panties operated by remote control , which is a thing that exists, and houses a remote-control vibrator in the exact place you suspect. Hey, wait a moment -- these things may be stupid as seven sorts of shit, but there's no way they'll make our budget. Teledildonics stuff tends to be expensive as all fuck. Well, not this particular product!

In fact, the price of the item is so low, it's something of a red flag:. Via Amazon "Product description: May not contain spiders this time. Why are they dumping this product practically for free? Was there a malfunction? Did Chad hit the bar with his friends after work and start absent-mindedly fidgeting with the remote, only to find out it has a seriously impressive range, as his politician wife is giving what would turn out to be the most excited speech of her career?

Was there a love triangle drama, and some jealous husband MacGyvered a car battery in this thing somehow? Or maybe a sitcom-style mix-up, where the sex panties you meant to give your spouse for Christmas ended up in the wrong stocking, and now Grandma is wondering whether to write you out of the will or make you the sole heir? There are no customer reviews, so we may never know Bullet vibrators are little more than a small battery and an even smaller motor in a more or less waterproof plastic casing.

As tiny, slippery, cheap, and occasionally ill-manufactured things, they have a number of drawbacks when it comes to shenanigans: As such, they're mainly used externally, or as an attachable funmaker for various latex-y rings and contraptions.

And then someone comes along and starts specifically selling them as Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets. It had taken he and the cab driver nearly an hour of driving around to find the place, given the hastily scrawled directions Felicity had given him. He was on the side of a narrow hill road, a long ravine on the opposite side of the road, and some endless wooded slopes in all other directions.

His shoes crushed dead leaves beneath them, as the cool night wind blew them around him. He actually heard an owl hoot. Yeah, this place was in the middle of nowhere, he didn't have to worry about being seen going in.

1. The Favor (4/4) MA, Hermione/Fred/George - Books & Freckles;
2. Customer reviews?
3. 8 Ridiculous Sex Toys for the Budget-Conscious.

He'd screwed too many people over on this side of town in his early days, and was always looking over his shoulder when he had to go west of town. Filtering Exclude erotica Include mainstream erotica Include all erotica. About Publish Join Sign In. Readers Benefits of registering Where are my ebooks?

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