Memoirs of a Battered Womans Son

The Darlings struggled to get by without Tommy's income or pension. Alan wanted to find out more about this mysterious granddad, as well as other aspects of his own past. He revealed that he wasn't Alan's father. Alex claimed that he had caught his wife leaving a bedroom with another man nine months before Alan was born, and that this man was Alan's father.

According to Alex he wanted to give Alan a heads-up so the actor wouldn't be blindsided when this news came to light on the TV show. The book jumps back and forth between Alan's youth and adulthood. In the 'then' sections Alan describes childhood incidents where his father yelled at him, threw him around, hit him, degraded him, embarassed him, and so on.

Alan also talks about his father's constant public infidelities, which humiliated his wife and sons. In fact Alex sometimes took Alan along when he was meeting other women. These parts of the book are very disturbing. In the 'now' sections Alan reveals the residual anxiety he feels from his childhood. He also writes about his acting gigs; professional successes; ex-wife; fears about having children he has none ; nervous breakdown; therapist; husband; friends; beloved mother, brother, and granny; parties; dinners; wine; etc.

Alan also discusses his reaction to Alex Cumming announcing that he isn't the actor's biological father. Could this explain why Alex was always so cruel and hateful? Or did Alex just make this up to cause Alan more pain? Alan makes sure to find out the truth! The book is well-written, enlightening, entertaining, and uplifting.

It's good to learn that children with awful childhoods can go on to live happy, successful lives. I highly recommend this book to people who enjoy celebrity memoirs. This is a very good one. You can follow my reviews at http: View all 6 comments. I've enjoyed Alan Cumming in various performances for quite some time and it is now very interesting to learn more of the whole person and his earlier life.

The world really opened up for him as he grew up and, especially during the year when he was filming the genealogy show, he learned more than he ever would have expected a After reading Will Byrne's review of this book and then watching Cumming's episode of Who Do You Think You Are on YouTube, I just had to settle in with the book for myself. The world really opened up for him as he grew up and, especially during the year when he was filming the genealogy show, he learned more than he ever would have expected about his family and, ultimately, about himself.

While the show led to information about his mother's father, Tommy Darling, a man who was largely unknown to the family, other events opened up Alan's eyes to the reality of his abusive father Alex who had been in and out of his life, mostly out, for years. I found that this book complements the TV show wonderfully and explains the occasional worn and frazzled appearance I had noticed. So much was going on in the background! If you like Alan Cumming, if you appreciate learning of how an adult learns to live with the result of all the abuse heaped on them in childhood, then this may well be a book for you.

View all 10 comments. May 20, Antonio rated it really liked it Shelves: I think everyone is surprised by how hard and painful was Alan's childhood. He grew up in a lair where fear was part of the routine, where one had to learn to read expressions like a book, so it was possible to be ready - was it possible to ever be ready, though? Aggression and humiliation shaping one's life. Being far from your abuser, from the unhappy place in which you grew up, is a liberating feeling. It feels like there's finally the sun illuminating and warming your body.

A body which forgot what warmness felt like. A body left alone in the devasted frozen tundra that was its reality for so long. All I know is that I am the product of all the experiences I have had, good and bad, and if I am in a happy place in my life as I truly am , then I can have no regrets about any of the combination of events and circumstances that have led me to the here and now.

For the good and for the bad. Everything we go through has a significant importance in our identity. We can only try to deal with everything in the best possible way, being open about it and guaranteeing that it won't happen again. We can use all the memories in our favor, fighting for brighter days not only to ourselves but also to humankind. We all remember in a visceral, emotional way, and so even if we agree on the facts—what was said, what happened where and when—what we take away and store from a moment, what we feel about it, can vary radically.

Sep 14, Becky rated it it was amazing Shelves: This is another review that I just don't know how to start. That's the way it goes sometimes. It's after midnight and I'm determined to finish this review so I don't have it hanging over my head any longer. It might be surprising to some of you, but I've seen very little that he's been in, yet for some reason, I have nothing but positive associations in my mi Blargh. It might be surprising to some of you, but I've seen very little that he's been in, yet for some reason, I have nothing but positive associations in my mind when it comes to him.

Or I did before - now there's a tiny blemish thanks to the trivia on his IMDB page saying that he turned down the role of Gilderoy Lockhart because he didn't want to make less money than amateur Rupert Grint. I'll pick that up!

And eventually I even got around to reading it. Will wonders never cease? D I listened to this on audio, read by Cumming himself, which was fantastic. I adore his accent, and having him telling his story made the experience feel so much more intimate and personal than reading it would have been. It allowed the humor to come through, the pain to come through, his personality to come through. Well, as much as you can love someone telling you about the emotional, psychological, and physical abuse that they endured.

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I guess what I really mean is that this was a powerful story, and it touched me, and I'm happy and proud that he survived it to become the person he is today. In that way, I loved it. But it broke my heart to listen to much of it. This memoir is focused dually on two specific stories that intertwine - his relationship or lack thereof with his father, and his experience with the show "Who Do You Think You Are?

These stories parallel and intersect in many ways, and it was so interesting to hear the behind the scenes stuff that you don't get to see. Alan hearing a bombshell, as relayed by his brother, that completely shocks him and makes him question his entire childhood and life - and then having to be filmed minutes later for the show, and hear yet more shocking history, only this time about his grandfather.

It was fascinating, and one of the reasons that I put off writing this review for a week was so that I could watch his episode of the show. I knew the outcome of the show, but knowing what he was going through and dealing with while filming it, and how much he struggled to keep his shit together during that time, it was really kind of heartbreaking. Of course the information relayed to him in the show was sad, though it did have a positive impact and brought awareness to an important issue, but knowing that many of the times when he's filmed looking pensive and introspective that he's likely thinking about much more recent and potentially life-changing revelations, just made it that much more sad to watch.

My heart went out to the guy, because you could tell that he just needed a little time to process everything - but the hits just kept coming at him non-stop. This is pretty dark material, but it is quite uplifting at the same time. It's a story of overcoming abuse and adversity, of surviving one's abuser, of finding and learning to love oneself. And I have to admit, it warmed the dark recesses of my cold, bitter heart whenever he mentioned his husband, Grant. You could just feel the love that they have between them, and I couldn't help but feel thankful that he found the person that makes him happy, that he can rely on, and trust, and who supports and loves him in return.

And speaking of which, I adore Alan's relationship with his brother Tom. These brothers are everything that siblings are supposed to be, and I was once again thankful that Alan had Tom in his life. I honestly think that without Tom acting as his buffer, his protector, and friend, that Alan likely would not have survived to be who he is.

My one criticism would be that I think that Alan let his mother off too lightly in her responsibility. He loves and adores his mother, that is clear, and he thanks her for being the kind and accepting counter to her husband's controlling, hypercritical tyrant, but she failed in her responsibility to protect her children.

Perhaps she was a buffer, and deflected some of it, but she knew how miserable they all had to be, how terrified of him they were, and she even endured that herself. Yet she did not leave her husband until after both of her kids had moved out on their own. I know it was a different time back then, but I think she bears a bit of the responsibility as well. She didn't do enough, in my opinion, to protect her sons from their abusive father.

Anyway, this was a great book, and I highly recommend it even if you're not familiar with Alan Cumming. It's well worth the read or listen. Apr 28, TL rated it it was amazing Shelves: Re-read via audio book finally got my hands on it: Not to overuse the word but still amazed he put this Re-read via audio book finally got my hands on it: Not to overuse the word but still amazed he put this whole story out for the world to see and judge Go check it out now: I don't know what to say Many times and still now I just wanted to give Alan a big hug and tell him I'm proud of him for how he came through this and is leading a good life.

He's a strong person and a good man I really enjoyed this memoir which I listened to via Overdrive. Alan Cumming does not tell the story of his stardom but rather of his hard upbringing with a physically and mentally abusive father, bullying at school and the search for answers regarding his missing maternal grandfather.

Luckily he has a wonderful and supportive family including his mother Mary Darling - you have to love the name , brother, grandmother and husband, etc. I loved listening to his Scottish accent! He seems to be a v I really enjoyed this memoir which I listened to via Overdrive. He seems to be a very down-to-earth person. View all 15 comments. I love Alan Cumming, so I was really looking forward to this. However, I'm generally suspicious of celebrity biographies, so I approached it with cautious optimism. By the end of the book, I just loved him more. Not so much a biography but a memoir focusing on Cumming's reaction to being told that his father was not, in fact, his father.

Instead, I love Alan Cumming, so I was really looking forward to this. Instead, an admission by his father leads Cumming to resolve long-held memories of verbal abuse.

On the Front Line with the Women Who Fight Back

Cumming is extremely open, revealing genuine thoughts and feelings that allow the reader to share in his pain, and ultimately, his strengthened relationships with his mother and brother. Picked this up on a whim when I was skimming the new books at the library, and read it in an evening. The other half is about his abusive childhood with a violent father, and how that has effected him today. He also talks about how he has worked on it - thera Picked this up on a whim when I was skimming the new books at the library, and read it in an evening. He also talks about how he has worked on it - therapy, confrontation, release.

I can't decide if I don't recommend or highly recommend this for people who grew up in similar situations, but definitely were the parts I felt more connected to than the military darling. On dealing with an abusive parent as an adult: This change in him allowed me to pack away much of my past in a box that I never wanted to open. For ten years I kept it closed, pretending that my family was no more difficult or trying than anybody else's.

I didn't begin to forgive my father - far from it. When my dad was absent As our silence grew, so did our denial. So it nicely ties together and it does seem like he ended the book more whole than he started.

That is always nice to see. I think it was a book he needed to write for himself even if for nobody else. May it bring him strength and closure. This was pretty disappointing. Cumming clearly had a lousy childhood and I found him at his most articulate and interesting talking about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father, but the rest of it just made me dislike him.

It seems bizarre to criticize a memoir for being too self-involved, but that's definitely what this felt like. There was a focus on minute details here that felt self-absorbed, like we were supposed to care about what happened at what time, and which episode preceded This was pretty disappointing. There was a focus on minute details here that felt self-absorbed, like we were supposed to care about what happened at what time, and which episode preceded which at which precise moment only because it was Alan Cumming, not because it was actually interesting or he had taken the time to make it so through his writing.

It may be just the way he wrote about his life, but I got the unfortunate impression that pretty much everything revolves around him, that during parties at any of the three Cumming residences, one just sits around and listens to him tell stories about himself. I've always been a fan of his acting especially on The Good Wife, the best television show currently on the air; I said it , but this book did not endear him to me.

Instead it felt self-indulgent. I understand that memoirs are self-indulgent pretty much by definition but the best ones manage to make you forget that. View all 11 comments. A Family Memoir written and read by Alan Cumming. Alan Cumming's father Alex was a man who held his family hostage, who meted out violence with a frightening ease. Alex was the dark, enigmatic heart of Cumming family life.

But he was not the only mystery. He had a secret to share. And he does so with such style and grace' - Stephen Fry 'This is a beautiful book - sad, funny, haunting, surprising, suspenseful, gut-wrenching, endearing. It will linger inside of you long after you turn the final page' - Harlan Coben I have always like Alan Cumming - in his TV roles, his hosting positions, his dramatic readings, and his stage presence.

I am drawn to his honesty and accountability regardless of what he is working on. And now, I can add book author to that list of his accomplishments. The story starts out when Alan was very young. He is from a family of four, father, mother and one sibling, Tom, a brother.

It tells of his 4. It tells of his painful childhood and how he has reacted as an adult from that experience. It is during his filming of that TV reality show that Alan was able to unfurl and dissect not only his own shocking reality, but also that of his Grandfather. He takes you on his journey, shows his vulnerability, shows his anger and disappointment, and explains exactly how this has made him the man he is today. I think it's sloppy, lazy to misinterpret his behaviour. All I can say is, he believes it to be true.

And he is a person who genuinely wants to use his notoriety to help others. Unfortunately, the books' omission of background detail makes the foreground harder to trust. If, between the ages of four and 12 when he was admitted into foster care the abuse were consistently as bad as he describes it, he would have died. So there must have been lulls. In the second book, he seems to place its onset closer to when he was seven. In the third, he talks about his 'eight years of constant torture,' but only a few pages on, describes an idyllic interlude fishing with his mother when he was seven.

And if he hated her so much, why did they talk for an hour on the telephone when he got into the airforce? It is also unclear why he was finally removed from the family home. In the first book there is no attempt at explanation. In the second, we infer that it's because he has been thrown down the stairs; by the third, it seems to have been because his arms were thrust into a bucket of ammonia and bleach an incident not previously described.

Pelzer would no doubt argue that this confusion arises because each book is written from the perspective of the time as he rather inelegantly puts it, with 'the language and wisdom that was solely developed from my viewpoint as well as that particular time period'. Whatever, it gives him alarming licence to change his story and leave things out.

Why, for example, did no one intervene when these appalling things were happening? He describes his icy baths: Their friends often scoffed at me. My brothers just shook their heads saying, "I don't know. My own hunch is that, substantially, he's telling the truth: No charges were ever brought, however, and it is left unclear on what terms he was removed; his mother appears to have had the right to see him if she wanted. But there is a definite feeling of exaggeration in the later two books, which, in turn, slightly throw into question the first.

The Mother, as she is called by the second book, becomes ever more of a pantomime villain. Although ostensibly dealing respectively with Dave's life as a foster child and in the military, these second and third books return relentlessly to his childhood, replaying the scenes in - as is the way of sequels - more lurid detail.

In The Lost Boy she is a monstrous figure: I caught a whiff of her putrid body odor. As the story progresses, the conversations become increasingly soap-operatic. Exchanges that weren't included in the first book are now recalled. If Mrs Pelzer said as she tortured her son: And did he really say to her: I make mistakes, I screw up, but I learn I pray for you every night, I swear to God I really do Pelzer has announced that his story 'has two objectives: It is impossible to understand why Mrs Pelzer abuses her son.

There are hints at possibilities: Had she been abused by her own mother? Could she simply not cope with five boys? Was she suffering from some kind of hormonal imbalance? Not only is there no analysis; there's no emotional probing either. We already know that these things happen. What matters is why, and to whom. As a story of triumph over tragedy, that staple of old-fashioned women's magazines, it works if you can buy into it in the absence of authenticating detail.

And certainly, plenty of people seem able to do so. The first print run of 6, had all sold into shops six weeks before publication, so Orion printed another 4, and, a week before publication, they'd all gone too. It turned out that there was already an underground market in the American edition, so the bookshops knew about it.

Trevor Dolby attributes Pelzer's success to a number of factors. It's a short read - you can get through it in one sitting. It doesn't have that American predilection for self-analysis; it just rolls out what happened. A part of it taps into a need to feel OK.

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