John and you have on hands. I have watched you this half hour from the window; you must forgive my being such a spy, but for a long time I have fancied I hardly know what. John is a strange being — ". I wish he loved you — does he, Jane? Mary and I had both concluded he wished you to marry him. Diana clapped her hands. And you will marry him, Jane, won't you? And then he will stay in England. You never shall go: Think of the task you undertook — one of incessant fatigue, where fatigue kills even the strong, and you are weak. John — you know him — would urge you to impossibilities: I am astonished you found courage to refuse his hand.
You do not love him then, Jane? You are much too pretty, as well as too good, to be grilled alive in Calcutta. He seemed to think I had committed an impropriety in proposing to accompany him unmarried: He has again and again explained that it is not himself, but his office he wishes to mate. He has told me I am formed for labour — not for love: But, in my opinion, if I am not formed for love, it follows that I am not formed for marriage.
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Would it not be strange, Die, to be chained for life to a man who regarded one but as a useful tool? In that case, my lot would become unspeakably wretched. He would not want me to love him; and if I showed the feeling, he would make me sensible that it was a superfluity, unrequired by him, unbecoming in me. I know he would. It is better, therefore, for the insignificant to keep out of his way, lest, in his progress, he should trample them down. I will leave you, Diana. But I was forced to meet him again at supper. During that meal he appeared just as composed as usual.
I had thought he would hardly speak to me, and I was certain he had given up the pursuit of his matrimonial scheme: He addressed me precisely in his ordinary manner, or what had, of late, been his ordinary manner — one scrupulously polite.
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No doubt he had invoked the help of the Holy Spirit to subdue the anger I had roused in him, and now believed he had forgiven me once more. For the evening reading before prayers, he selected the twenty-first chapter of Revelation. It was at all times pleasant to listen while from his lips fell the words of the Bible: The succeeding words thrilled me strangely as he spoke them: A calm, subdued triumph, blent with a longing earnestness, marked his enunciation of the last glorious verses of that chapter.
The reader believed his name was already written in the Lamb's book of life, and he yearned after the hour which should admit him to the city to which the kings of the earth bring their glory and honour; which has no need of sun or moon to shine in it, because the glory of God lightens it, and the Lamb is the light thereof. In the prayer following the chapter, all his energy gathered — all his stern zeal woke: He supplicated strength for the weak-hearted; guidance for wanderers from the fold: He asked, he urged, he claimed the boon of a brand snatched from the burning.
Earnestness is ever deeply solemn: He felt the greatness and goodness of his purpose so sincerely: The prayer over, we took leave of him: Diana and Mary having kissed him, left the room — in compliance, I think, with a whispered hint from him: I tendered my hand, and wished him a pleasant journey. As I said, I shall return from Cambridge in a fortnight: If I listened to human pride, I should say no more to you of marriage with me; but I listen to my duty, and keep steadily in view my first aim — to do all things to the glory of God.
My Master was long-suffering: I cannot give you up to perdition as a vessel of wrath: Remember, we are bid to work while it is day — warned that 'the night cometh when no man shall work. God give you strength to choose that better part which shall not be taken from you!
He laid his hand on my head as he uttered the last words. He had spoken earnestly, mildly: All men of talent, whether they be men of feeling or not; whether they be zealots, or aspirants, or despots — provided only they be sincere — have their sublime moments, when they subdue and rule. I felt veneration for St. John — veneration so strong that its impetus thrust me at once to the point I had so long shunned. I was tempted to cease struggling with him — to rush down the torrent of his will into the gulf of his existence, and there lose my own.
I was almost as hard beset by him now as I had been once before, in a different way, by another. I was a fool both times. To have yielded then would have been an error of principle; to have yielded now would have been an error of judgment. So I think at this hour, when I look back to the crisis through the quiet medium of time: I was unconscious of folly at the instant. I stood motionless under my hierophant's touch. My refusals were forgotten — my fears overcome — my wrestlings paralysed. The Impossible — i.
John — was fast becoming the Possible. All was changing utterly with a sudden sweep. Religion called — Angels beckoned — God commanded — life rolled together like a scroll — death's gates opening, showed eternity beyond: The dim room was full of visions. The inquiry was put in gentle tones: I could resist St.
I grew pliant as a reed under his kindness. Yet I knew all the time, if I yielded now, I should not the less be made to repent, some day, of my former rebellion. His nature was not changed by one hour of solemn prayer: He pressed his hand firmer on my head, as if he claimed me: I contended with my inward dimness of vision, before which clouds yet rolled. I sincerely, deeply, fervently longed to do what was right; and only that. I was excited more than I had ever been; and whether what followed was the effect of excitement the reader shall judge.
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Praying for You Plain Jane
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About Kristen West Mcguire
Notify me of new comments via email. Notify me of new posts via email. Just a Plain Jane Catholic. About Kristen West Mcguire I'm a wife and mom. Sometimes I work, and sometimes I homeschool and sometimes I just meddle, Although I worked at a military chapel for a few years and even taught CCD, most of my life I have been just a pew-sitting, kid-shushing Catholic mom.
Since my conversion in , I've been propositioned to join Opus Dei, Regnum Christi, the Neocatechumenal Way, Cum Christo at least I think that is what Ultreya meant , and at least a few third orders, I just don't go for that extra stuff. I'm a Plain Jane Catholic. This entry was posted in Uncategorized. October 28, at 2: