What can you try next? Try exposing your kid to different kinds of social time: And some kids are loners by temperament, Cohen pointed out, but may not feel lonely at all. A version of this article appeared in print in our May issue with the headline: Do your kids struggle to make friends? We've sent an email with instructions to create a new password.
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How do kids make friends? Newborn babies are born ready to socialize, and no wonder: Throughout our evolutionary history, the ability to make friends has been a crucial survival skill.
Decades of research suggests that parents play a big role in teaching children how to make friends. The most popular kids are prosocial—i. They also have strong verbal skills and know how to keep their selfish or aggressive impulses in check. Most of all, popular kids are good at interpersonal skills: So it seems that making friends depends on skills that kids can develop with practice:. Here are some research-based tips to help kids make friends.
Tips to help kids make friends. Everybody has negative emotions and selfish impulses. But to make friends, we need to keep these responses under control.
How to help your kids make friends
Studies of Western kids suggest that children develop better emotional self-control when their parents talk to them about their feelings in a sympathetic, problem-solving way. Does emotion coaching really help kids make friends? A recent study found that that the emotion socialization strategies mothers used on their 5-year-olds predicted changes in how well their children regulated their own emotions. This, in turn, was linked with children's friendship quality years later Blair et al Practice authorative not authoritarian parenting.
Authoritarian parents discourage thoughtful discussion and attempt to control behavior through punishment. Kids raised this way are less likely to develop an internalized sense of right and wrong.
And kids subjected to harsh punishments tend to show more hostility and aggression Xu et al ; Chen and Rubin Authoritative parenting is also characterized by high levels of control, in that parents set limits and demand maturity from their kids. But authoritative parents relate to their kids with warmth, and attempt to shape behavior through rational discussion and explanation of the reasons for rules.
5 Simple Steps To Teach Your Child How to Make Friends
Studies show that authoritative parents tend to have kids who are less aggressive, more self-reliant, more self-controlled, and better-liked by peers Brotman et al ; Sheehan and Watson ; Hastings et al What's cause and what's effect? It's possible that some kids are more inclined to be defiant, and these kids elicit more heavy-handed discipline from their parents. But it also seems likely that certain aspects of authoritative parenting--like the fostering of discussion, particularly discussion about emotions and social conflicts--might boost social skills and help kids make friends.
Teach kids how to converse in a polite way. The earliest lessons kids learn about communication happen at home, and it seems they make a difference.
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In a recent study tracking young children over a period of many years, Ruth Feldman and her colleagues found that parents who showed high levels of reciprocity in their communication with children had kids who developed more social competence and better negotiation skills over time Feldman et al But we can do more than engage kids in the give-and-take of family dialogue. We can also offer concrete advice about how to make new friends. An active listener is someone who makes it clear he is paying attention--by making appropriate eye contact, orienting the body in the direction of the speaker, remaining quiet, and making relevant verbal responses.
When engaged in conversation, only answer the question at hand. Then give your partner a chance to talk, or ask a question of your own. Offer information about yourself. Frankel and Myatt suggest that kids practice their conversational skills by making phone calls to each other. For kids struggling to make friends, avoid competitive games and other situations that can provoke conflict or discourage cooperation.
Several studies suggest that kids get along better when they are engaged in cooperative activities—i. For example, one study compared how 4th grade boys behaved during competitive and cooperative games. During cooperative games, unpopular boys were less disruptive and behaved with greater maturity. And the popular boys, for their part, showed greater tolerance toward their less popular peers Gelb and Jacobson Based on such findings, Fred Frankel and Robert Myatt recommend that parents steer kids away from competitive games, at least until kids develop better social skills Frankel and Myatt Got a play date?
Frankel and Myatt also recommend that parents plan ahead and put away toys that discourage social interaction or provoke fighting. That means putting away toy weapons. It also means putting away toys designed for solitary play or which inspire self-absorption, like video games. Foster empathy and sympathetic concern for others. Coach kids on how to cope with tricky social situations. If you see some children playing and you want to join them, how do you go about it? Victoria Finnie and Alan Russell presented mothers with several hypothetical scenarios and then asked these mothers what advice they would give their preschool children Finnie and Russell The researchers discovered the mothers that gave out the best advice were the moms with the most socially-adept kids.
Helping Your Child Make New Friends . Your Child's Social Life . Going to School | PBS Parents
What did the moms say? Studies in a variety of cultures suggest that children are better off when their parents monitor their social activities Parke et al And kids with behavior problems are more likely to get rejected by their peers. When possible, let kids try to work things out on their own. Young toddlers need to be closely supervised. But as kids get older, parents need to back off. Parents who hover over their kids are robbing them of the chance to develop their own social skills Ladd and Golter Watch out for bullying.
Be aware of cultural differences.